Another encore presentation, as The Sainted
Mother’s computer doctor is coming to minister to her ailing computer…
Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for Sunday!Sunday!Sunday!, December 23, 2012. The sun is shining here in West Hinterlandia,
and We hope it is shining where you are, as well. (We don’t actually care, but
We thought We’d say that in case Santa Claus is reading this. Since he’s
already seen Us when We’re sleeping (naked), and knows when We’re a fake.)
Check out Our new Time of the Month Horoscope:
CAPRICORN video above. And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use
this link to share it with your friends:
http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM
Meanwhile, this just in from
Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! correspondent, Helen Keller:
Why is everyone giving me
the silent treatment today?
Uh oh. Been swallowing
skittles instead of my birth control. Could be an interesting next couple of
months.
Sooooo... Where the hell
am I
And heeeeeere’s the HorrorScope:
Why are you sitting around reading this when
you should be out shopping for Greg Biffle’s birthday?
You need to make sure that you stick with your
principles today — though you may find it tough. (Ya know what’s tough? Liam Neeson.)
(We have no idea where that came from.)
That’s why we admire people with convictions,
though, so remember what you want and go for it! (Our prior convictions are none of your
business.)
Perseverance takes patience, but it rewards
you with more than you can ever imagine. (Some pitchman on television is
hollering about making perfect pancakes.
Please come and kill Us now.)
Right
now, you need to just keep going.
(Poop!)
Stick with things long enough, and eventually
things will start to make sense. (Ah, the old “better living through monotony”
plan.)
Thereafter, everything you do will have much
more purpose and possibility. (Since
We’re doing P-words, what about penis?)
Even the things that used to confuse you will
now suddenly click in a whole new way (But won’t that be confusing in and of
itself?)
— and
you’ll be struck by a great idea that no one else has thought of yet. (Apparently, We haven’t thought of it
either.)
You’ve got plenty of moxie during daylight
hours, which makes it easy to be the first to introduce yourself. (Did she say “moxie”? Seriously?)
By later tonight, expect more calm. (That’s what that “Silent Night” song says.)
(You’re Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We
didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking,
as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular
musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison,
but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on
upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids,
asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and
Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of
a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake,
Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town
mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with
Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne.
Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a
Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter,
Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford
(yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual
major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the
rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid
photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with
Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of
questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in
Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double
Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn
rowing team.
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