Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For SunDayFunDay, December 29st, 2013. Happy Birthday to Justin, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Much as Adam did, a little over a week ago. Let’s all go over to Justin and Adam’s for leftover cake.
So didja miss Us? As you may have gathered, We were holidaying at The Sainted Mother’s in The Hinterlands, and, consequently, serving up leftovers of Our Own in the form of e-ncore presentations of classic Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! e-pissodes from the past. Until, that is, We gave up e-ntirely at the e-nd there. Holidailies, Shmolidailies. (http://www.holidailies.org )
Although We were gone for eight days, We somehow only managed to miss five birthdays in that time. Which means, amongst other things, that whatever happens nine months before Christmas week is not conducive to The Horizontal Bop.
And so, without further ado, ado, to you and you and Yoo-Hoo™, Happy Belated Birthday to Alexis, who turned twenty-four this past week right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Happy Belated Birthday also to Steve, who also turned twenty-four this past week, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. In addition to being newly-twenty-four, Steve is also a GINGER. And TALL. With LONG HAIR. Where are Our smelling salts when We need them?
Happy Belated Birthday also to David (not to be confused with David), who also turned twenty-four this past week. David turned twenty-four in El Lay, whereas David turned twenty-four in Altoona. That, in case you hadn’t figgered it out yet, is how you can tell them apart. You’re welcome.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Lou, who turned twenty-four this past week in Indianapolis. Indiana. We know Lou because We never, ever, ever did an original show together way back in the day.
Meanwhile, IndianaPOLIS, Indiana? You don’t even see New York, New York (The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us)) being pretentious like that. How stupid would New Yorkpolis, New York sound, anyway? And how would One even pronounce it? Maybe it only works with states whose names end in A. Although you don’t see Iowa trying to get away with Iowopolis. And Pennsylvaniapolis, Pennsylvania is just preposterous…by the time you’re done spelling it out, you’d be in New Jersey.
Fuck Math…GEOGRAPHY is hard.
In other news, TCBITWWW was here last night, and, amongst other things, We concluded that, in the same vein as Orange Is The New Black…
Boys are the new girls.
We give you this wisdom free of charge, to do with it what you will. We can imagine its application to many different aspects of Modern Life, as, We are certain, can you.
You’re welcome. Again. (Do We give, and give, and give, or what? (Whoever said, “Or what” gets a one-way ticket to Alaskopolis.))
In other other news, it is indeed The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year. Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, We’re talking about returning from The Hinterlands to find Our mailbox chock full of Screen Actors’ Guild screeners in anticipation of the SAG Awards. We totally hit the jackpot this year, with Dallas Buyers Club, Blue Jasmine, August: Osage County, The Butler, and American Hustle. Why, We might even be able to scare up a date for a movie date night. Lettuce go cut a hole in the bottom of a popcorn bucket right now…
In other other other news, speaking of smelling salts and holes in the bottoms of popcorn buckets (why does that sound so much like a euphemism for something the second time around?), in the wake of the news of the demise of the Red Lobster, The Lovely And Talented Kevin has provided this link to copycat recipes, which contains, most importantly, a recipe for Those Biscuits that you can make at home: http://www.buzzfeed.com/emofly/red-lobster-copycat-recipes
In other other other other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January? That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!
That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!
Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)
This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
Check out Our Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video above. And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use this link to share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM
And now, the HorrorScope…
The website whence comes Our celebrity birthday information wants Us to know that it is Mary Tyler Moore’s birthday. Mary Tyler Moore, it adds helpfully in case We are an idiot, is an “actress who had a role on The Dick Van Dyke Show.” Oh, THAT Mary Tyler Moore.
Also, it is Jude Law’s birthday. Because We weren’t already hyperventilating enough over Steve, the tall long-haired ginger.
You may not like how today works out for you (On the plus side, the rain is not snow. On the minus side, the rain is not hundred dollar bills or winning PowerBall™ tickets, neither.)
— but there’s some really important healing going on underneath the surface. (Oh, well, then. In that case….Shut. Up. Kelli.)
Make sure that you’re pushing back against your restlessness. (Dunno ‘bout restlessness, but We are sure as hell pushing back against youngness.)
(Oh dear Jeebus…Micro$oft Weird™ is actually giving “youngness” a pass…We just can’t with that.)
Try to share your emotions as much as you can today — within reason, of course. (WHADDAYA MEAN, “WITHIN REASON”? WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!!! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF US!!!)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
You shouldn’t divulge all your hopes and dreams to the person behind the counter at your local pharmacy, (Which We had on Our to-do list for to-day. Ta-da.)
but you should let your sweetie know how good they make you feel sometimes. (If, by “sometimes”, you mean “never”.)
Put your energy where it will do the most good, (Also, put your monkey where your mouth is. But don’t tell the SPCA.)
and communicate what you really feel. (How do YOU feel, with a damn monkey in your mouth?)
Sometimes, the things that you are most afraid to say are the very things that need to be said the soonest. (By the soonest soothsayer, forsooth.)
You’re feeling extroverted (Is that the same as “extroPERverted”?)
(Compare and contrast extroperverted with introperverted. BEGIN.)
and quite social during the day — the perfect state of mind (We’re in a New Yorkpolis state of mind…hmmm…Billy Joel says, “No.”)
for initiating some romantic business. (You mean romantic MONKEY business.)
By tonight, though, expect some weird emotions to show up unannounced. (Well, how can they, now that you’ve announced them? AssHatt.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.