Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For SunDayFunDay, December 29st, 2013. Happy Birthday to Justin, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Much as Adam did, a little over a week
ago. Let’s all go over to Justin and
Adam’s for leftover cake.
So didja miss Us? As you may have gathered, We were holidaying
at The Sainted Mother’s in The Hinterlands, and, consequently, serving up
leftovers of Our Own in the form of e-ncore presentations of classic Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! e-pissodes from the past. Until, that is, We gave up e-ntirely at the
e-nd there. Holidailies,
Shmolidailies. (http://www.holidailies.org )
Although We were gone for eight days, We
somehow only managed to miss five birthdays in that time. Which means, amongst other things, that
whatever happens nine months before Christmas week is not conducive to The
Horizontal Bop.
And so, without further ado, ado, to you and
you and Yoo-Hoo™, Happy Belated Birthday to Alexis, who turned twenty-four this
past week right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Happy Belated Birthday also to Steve, who
also turned twenty-four this past week, also right here in The City Of
Brotherly Love Handles. In addition to
being newly-twenty-four, Steve is also a GINGER. And TALL.
With LONG HAIR. Where are Our
smelling salts when We need them?
Happy Belated Birthday also to David (not to
be confused with David), who also turned twenty-four this past week. David turned twenty-four in El Lay, whereas
David turned twenty-four in Altoona.
That, in case you hadn’t figgered it out yet, is how you can tell them
apart. You’re welcome.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy
Belated Birthday to Lou, who turned twenty-four this past week in
Indianapolis. Indiana. We know Lou because We never, ever, ever did
an original show together way back in the day.
Meanwhile, IndianaPOLIS, Indiana? You don’t even see New York, New York (The
City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us)) being pretentious like that. How stupid would New Yorkpolis, New York
sound, anyway? And how would One even
pronounce it? Maybe it only works with states
whose names end in A. Although you don’t
see Iowa trying to get away with Iowopolis.
And Pennsylvaniapolis, Pennsylvania is just preposterous…by the time you’re
done spelling it out, you’d be in New Jersey.
Fuck Math…GEOGRAPHY is hard.
In other news, TCBITWWW was here last night,
and, amongst other things, We concluded that, in the same vein as Orange Is The New Black…
Boys are the new girls.
We give you this wisdom free of charge, to do
with it what you will. We can imagine
its application to many different aspects of Modern Life, as, We are certain, can
you.
You’re welcome. Again. (Do We give, and give, and give, or what? (Whoever said, “Or what” gets a one-way
ticket to Alaskopolis.))
In other other news, it is indeed The Most
Wonderful Time Of The Year. Yes,
indeed, ladies and genitals, We’re talking about returning from The Hinterlands
to find Our mailbox chock full of Screen Actors’ Guild screeners in
anticipation of the SAG Awards. We
totally hit the jackpot this year, with Dallas
Buyers Club, Blue Jasmine, August: Osage County, The Butler, and American Hustle. Why, We might even be
able to scare up a date for a movie date night.
Lettuce go cut a hole in the bottom of a popcorn bucket right now…
In other other other news, speaking of
smelling salts and holes in the bottoms of popcorn buckets (why does that sound
so much like a euphemism for something the second time around?), in the wake of
the news of the demise of the Red Lobster, The Lovely And Talented Kevin has
provided this link to copycat recipes, which contains, most importantly, a
recipe for Those Biscuits that you can make at home: http://www.buzzfeed.com/emofly/red-lobster-copycat-recipes
In other other other other news, who has
opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in
January? That’s right, ladies and
genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!
That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday,
January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown
for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!
Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/
(FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the
logo.)),
and keep your eyes glued…GLUED,
goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think
tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know
when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)
This will not, as you may have guessed, be
the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the
Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not
peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
Check out Our Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video above. And, in the holiday spirit of giving, use this
link to share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM
And now, the HorrorScope…
The website whence comes Our celebrity birthday
information wants Us to know that it is Mary Tyler Moore’s birthday. Mary Tyler Moore, it adds helpfully in case
We are an idiot, is an “actress who had a role on The Dick Van Dyke Show.” Oh, THAT Mary Tyler Moore.
Also, it is Jude Law’s birthday. Because We weren’t already hyperventilating
enough over Steve, the tall long-haired ginger.
You may not like how today works out for you (On the plus side, the rain is not snow. On the minus side, the rain is not hundred
dollar bills or winning PowerBall™ tickets, neither.)
— but there’s some really important healing
going on underneath the surface. (Oh,
well, then. In that case….Shut. Up.
Kelli.)
Make sure that you’re pushing back against
your restlessness. (Dunno ‘bout
restlessness, but We are sure as hell pushing back against youngness.)
(Oh dear Jeebus…Micro$oft Weird™ is actually
giving “youngness” a pass…We just can’t with that.)
Try to share your emotions as much as you can
today — within reason, of course. (WHADDAYA MEAN, “WITHIN REASON”? WE’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!!! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF US!!!)
(Heh.
See what We did there?)
You shouldn’t divulge all your hopes and
dreams to the person behind the counter at your local pharmacy, (Which We had on Our to-do list for
to-day. Ta-da.)
but you should let your sweetie know how good
they make you feel sometimes. (If, by “sometimes”, you mean “never”.)
Put your energy where it will do the most
good, (Also, put your monkey where your mouth is. But don’t tell the SPCA.)
and communicate what you really feel. (How do
YOU feel, with a damn monkey in your mouth?)
Sometimes, the things that you are most
afraid to say are the very things that need to be said the soonest. (By the soonest soothsayer, forsooth.)
You’re
feeling extroverted (Is that the same as “extroPERverted”?)
(Compare and contrast extroperverted with
introperverted. BEGIN.)
and quite social during the day — the perfect
state of mind (We’re in a New Yorkpolis state of mind…hmmm…Billy Joel says, “No.”)
for
initiating some romantic business. (You
mean romantic MONKEY business.)
By tonight, though, expect some weird
emotions to show up unannounced. (Well,
how can they, now that you’ve announced them?
AssHatt.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble
beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and,
more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment