Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, December 17st, 2013.
Happy Birthday to Charlie, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. We should like to point out at this juncture that, unlike many of Our SitOnOurFaceBook friends, We have actually met Charlie. We have also met Charlie’s wife. They are not only not the same person, they are in fact two different people. So why Charlie has been flitting about the WorldWideInterWebNetz, claiming that he is his own wife, is a mystery to Us. In addition to engendering difficulties with such august institutions as the Internal Revenue Service and the Daughters of the American Revolution, being One’s Own wife would seem to introduce an impossible degree of complexity to the Hokey-Pokey.
If you know what We mean. And We think you do. Trollop.
At any rate, it will please the folks at Fox News to know that both Charlie and his wife are white.
Happy Birthday also to Lizzie, who, to the best of Our knowledge, may not EVEN be turning twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Whatever tender age she may be turning, We are at least fairly certain that she is NOT claiming to be Charlie’s wife.
So there’s that.
Meanwhile, apparently We have had the fourth snowfall in a week, prior to winter even beginning. However, NOMFS*.
*NOMFS is akin to the more familiar NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard). It means, if you’re a little slow this morning, Not On My Front Stoop.
Aaaaannnddd We suddenly find Ourself with dinner plans, so it’s time to move this along, as We gotta whole lotta Christmas crap to do before then. (Fa-La-Fuckin’-La, etc.)
In other other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January? That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!
That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!
Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)
This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
In still other other other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And now, here’s the HorrorScope:
It is Giovanni Ribisi’s birthday. We bring this up because, if your name is Giovanni Ribisi, you pretty much HAVE TO become famous. Who the hell says, “This is my dry cleaner, Giovanni Ribisi.” Or, “This is my ear nose and throat specialist, Giovanni Ribisi.” Or, “This is my poolboy, Giovanni Ribisi.” (Okay, We’re reconsidering that last one.)
Your playful side is out in force now, (Good thing We hired that new poolboy then, innit?)
and you should find it easier than usual to get a date, if you’re looking, (What do We get if We’re NOT looking? A fig?)
(What do We get if We’re Helen Keller? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!)
or impress people with your easygoing nature. (Or, failing that, with Our Easy-Bake™ oven.)
Show off a little! (A little what?)
For the moment, the universe will ask you to tone it down, just a notch. (Fuck you, The Universe.)
You need some sleep, you need some soft music and low lights — and you need the affectionate attention of someone who’d like nothing better than to share it all with you. (And yet, earlier in this very sentence, We went to sleep. What the fuck are you talking about, Kelli?)
Bet you know exactly who to call, too. (Ghostbusters?)
Your next quest is to stock up on provisions: candles, soft music and a couple of your favorite videos. (And, presumably, some No-Doz™.)
Communication is crucial if you ever want someone special to know how you really feel. (We feel like a new man. Who’s gonna send Us one?)
Unless they’re mind readers, (God forbid!)
it’s up to you to clue them in. (Fine: it was Colonel Mustard in the billiard room with the hash pipe.)
Body language can only go so far, (After that, it’s body bags all the way!)
so start talking. (This is the END of the HorrorScope, AssHatt; We’re DONE talking now.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.