Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SunDayFunDay, December 8rd, 2013.
It is fucking snowing outside. Not just snowing, but fucking snowing. And it is not even winter yet. And no matter how much weather.com thinks We live in Milwaukee, West
Wisconsonomington, and keeps telling Us how much worse the weather is there
than here, it doesn’t help, because all We can think of is Our poor actor
friend, out there attempting to bring culture to the dairy farmers, and being
rewarded for his thespian efforts by his testicles scurrying up into his
alabaster abdominal cavity, saying to each other, “Why don’t we just go be
ovaries? It’d be warmer…”
(Has anyone seen Our smelling salts?)
We can tell by the dazed and confused
expressions on some of Our gentlemen Gentle Readers’ faces that you may have
been previously unaware that your testicles talk to each other. Of course they do! (Who else
are they gonna talk to?) Why, every morning
when you stand up, the one that hangs less low says to the lower-hanging one, “Why
so down?”
(You should see the expressions on your
scrotums’ faces right now.)
(How many of you just looked down?)
Some of Our more prudish Victorian Gentle
Readers are probably shocked and appalled right about now. We, however, with Our innate ability to turn
chicken shit into chicken salad, are proud of Ourself for getting through that
whole thing without making a dick joke.
But enough about cold cojones; it’s time for
some birthday wishes. Happy Birthday to
Aaron, whose cojones turn twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves
You (On Your) Back. (No, the fact that
he has two cojones turning twenty-four does NOT make him forty-eight. Math is hard. (Refrain from dick joke,
refrain from dick joke, refrain from dick joke…))
Also, Happy Birthday to Bill, who also turns
twenty-four today, in New York. New
York, New York, that is, The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us). Our SitOnMyFaceBook informs Us that Bill is
now a Native New Yorker. (How many of
you remember that song? All of the
twenty-four-year-olds, no doubt…)
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy
Birthday to Bryan, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The
City Of Brotherly Love Handles. (We should point out here that, despite having a
Y in his name, this is a completely different Bryan than the one who was the
star of “Picturing Bryan’s Birthday Suit” here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! a few
weeks ago, lest We give offense where none is meant.)
Okay, the goddamn snow is laying now. We are fairly certain it was Shakespeare who
said, “This motherfucking weather can suck my sodding dick.”
(So much for that “no dick joke” business.)
Speaking of dick jokes, Happy Feast Of The Immaculate
Contraption to the rest of Our Gentle Readers.
The Immaculate Contraption refers, of course, to the fact that Mrs.
MaryMotherOfGod was conceived without original sin. Which means that she was only capable of
committing the same crappy sins as everybody else. With the exception, They would have Us
believe, of fornication. Although We don’t
know about you, but if We were
(subjunctively) impregnated by The Almighty, We would certainly want to lose
Our virginity in the process.
Meanwhile, does anybody else feel sorry for
Joseph when they start hearing this whole cock(heh)amamie story at this time of
year? The poor man’s wife is a virgin,
AND a Jewish mother…does this sound like the recipe for a happy marriage to
you? Because it certainly doesn’t sound
like the recipe for a happy marriage to Us…
We are going to have to SHOVEL this fucking
snow. It is not even fucking winter yet. Jeebus H. Motherfucking Cripes On A Goddamn
Cracker!
In still other news We are
once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month
Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with
you (see above). Here is the link with
which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And here’s the HorrorScope…
In the single bright ray of
sunshine We are able to discern in today’s bleak forecast, it is Ian
Somerhalder’s birthday. Perhaps if We
Picture THAT particular birthday suit long and hard (heh…stealth dick joke) the
motherfucking snow will just melt of its own accord.
Reach out and lend a hand
to someone who needs it today (Paging Ian Somerhalder…Ian Somerhalder to the
white courtesy phone…)
— you should score extra
karma, (Oh, please. If any more fucking
karma lands around here, We’ll be able to open a chameleon store.)
and you may find that
you’re drawn toward something new and cool (Don’t say “cool”. AssHatt.)
once the day is done. (Well, that shouldn’t take much time,
considering that days at this time of year are about eight minutes long.)
Real problems involving your nearest and
dearest need most of your attention, so try to ignore frivolous situations as
much as possible. (Yeah. Frivolous.
Whatevs. Meanwhile, where do They
get off calling it The FEAST Of The Immaculate Contraption? The only way a fucking feast is gonna appear
around here is if We betake Our assz to the Ack-A-Me for the provisions for
said feast, and then come home and prepare said feast Our Own Self. That ain’t no goddamn miracle.)
(We can just imagine the
Ack-A-Me right about now…all those people grabbing all the eggs, milk, bread,
and toilet paper…after all, there’s gonna be two or three inches of snow. That means it’s time to eat French toast till
We shit Ourselves.)
You have enough projects to
keep you busy for now — avoid taking on any new business or personal tasks
unless it’s absolutely necessary. (You
know, Kelli, if you keep giving advice like that, We might stop calling you “AssHatt”.)
The key word right now is
‘prioritize.’ (Actually, the key word right now is “Ian Somerhalder’s dick”. Which is, of course, more than one word, but
then, One imagines it’s a rather exceptional dick.)
Although it might be difficult
to tear yourself away from your own dramas, your selflessness will be rewarded
in extremely beneficial ways. (Tell it
to the Marines. (But only if they’re
gonna shovel Our snow for Us.))
(What does “tell it to the
Marines” even mean? (We just Googled it on Wikipedia…it appears to imply that
Marines are stupider than people in the Navy.
Not, however, apparently stupid enough to come shovel Our snow.))
Sometimes the best thing to
do is nothing at all. (Oh, Kelli. We take back (almost) everything bad We’ve ever
said about you.)
Today you’re feeling
frustrated and possibly unable to get anything accomplished. (Fortunately, We bought Our Sunday paper
yesterday. We are now trying to imagine
(because We are too lazy to go to the refrigerator and look) what food might
actually be in Our house to keep Us from having to venture any further than Our
front stoop…)
Don’t fight it — just make
it a lazy day and let yourself just chill. (That was such a lovely sentence
till you fucked it all up by saying “chill”.)
Tonight, make a date with a
favorite movie and some ice cream. (“Ice
cream”? You really ARE an AssHatt, aren’t
you?)
(Ian Somerhalder’s dick,
Ian Somerhalder’s dick, Ian Somerhalder’s dick…)
(Just in case you were
wondering, that did NOT work like “Beetlejuice”.)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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