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Thursday, December 5, 2013

One tin soldier rides away

Hello, Ducks!

Spiderman has been around since 1962.  How is it that people continue to be amazed by him?

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThird’sThirdThirstyThrowBackThursdayInThurgoodMarshall’sThermalUnderwear, December 5nd , 2013.

Happy Birthday to Rose, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in or around The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Katie, who also turns twenty-four today, also somewhere in or around The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Ren, who does not EVEN turn twenty-four today, somewhere in University City.  It’s a good thing it’s already been declared Picturing Blair In The Buff Week here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, elsewise We know exactly what We’d be picturing.

Speaking of inappropriate sexual innuendo (as opposed to Our usual, run-of-the-mill, mundane, every-day appropriate sexual innuendo), We are fairly certain that We have previously mentioned in these e-pisstles that We have an actor-friend who is currently slaving and toiling in the wilds of somewhere called “Milwaukee”, in the state of West Wisconsonomington.  (We are so proud of Ourself for both getting the geography right AND spelling the state name correctly.)

He is, of course, doing live theatre (you DID know to pronounce that “(soft) thee-AY-turr”, didn’t you?), because they don’t have television out there yet.  They did try to make moving pictures once, but it’s tough to make a flip-book out of cave paintings.

At any rate, one time…ONE TIME!...We checked the Milwaukee weather on  (yes, to make Ourself feel better by comparison), and now fucking thinks We live there and We cannot change its mind.  Which gives Us a nasty jolt when We see things such as “high of 27, with snowstorms”.  (Of course, on the plus side, Our day brightens up when We find the correct forecast with its “high of 63”.)

Astute readers (and why you’re off reading stutes when you’re supposed to be paying attention to this e-pisstle, We have no idea) will have noticed the absence of inappropriate sexual innuendo in that last bit.  And, to both of you, We say: We cut that part out.  Because We’re classy like that.

In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others:  You’re welcome.

And here’s the HorrorScope…

But first, Happy Martin van Buren’s Birthday.  When’s the parade?

You’re on the road toward success, but you might not see results quite yet. (No doubt because Our GPS has PMS.  (Someone put its IUD in the DVR.))

Your drive is strong, so you should be able to shoulder on despite whatever obstacles are in your path. (“Shoulder” on?  Seriously?  Is NO ONE proofreading for this dizzy cow?  “Shoulder” on?  Should We use Our toy shoulders, or Our tin shoulders?  AssHatt.)

Keep it up!  (That being, as you have no doubt surmised, what SHE said.)

Have you been losing perspective when it comes to the most important people in your life? (We have been losing perspective when it comes to MC Escher.)


Sure, your boss deserves a lot of your respect — but are you giving them too much? (That depends…where on that particular spectrum does screaming “you are not the boss of me!” fall?)

Try to take some time off, even if it’s just an hour or two. (Right now?  With people hanging on Our every word?  Are you MAD?)

Remind yourself about what is really important and make a necessary correction in your perspective.  (Okay, see, One can only go to the “MC Escher joke” well so many times…)

(How many of you were unaware that there was an MC Escher joke well?)


(We just wished a Happy Unbirthday to Chad.  Because We’re accommodating like that.)

(Now We’re picturing Chad in his unbirthday suit. (Well, you didn’t think We were gonna cut out ALL of the inappropriate sexual innuendo, didja?))

You’re eager to see a certain romantic situation blossom in a certain way,  (Now We’re picturing Chad in his unbirthday suit, blossoming in a certain way…)

(It just gets worse and worse, dunnit?)

but that could mean you’re blind to all other options. (Oh, goodie…Braille!!!)

Hold on for a bit, rather than rushing on with incomplete information.  (Wow.  Did that sound dirty to you?  Because it sounded dirty to Us.)

Happy Picturing Blair (Ren? (Chad?)) In The Buff Week!

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.