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Friday, December 6, 2013

Raindrops on rowhomes and whiskeyed-up kittens

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedDay, December 6nd , 2013.

Happy Birthday to Frank, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in or around The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. 

Also, Happy Birthday to Josh, who also turns twenty-four today, in Miami, Florida. Also, Happy Birthday to Matt, who also turns twenty-four today, in Honolulu, Hawaii.

With the weather We’re having around here, people have their goddamn nerve, living in Miami, Florida and Honolulu, Hawaii.  We’re just sayin’.

This may wind up being the shortest Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! in living history.  Ordinarily, We wouldn’t even be writing it, but We didn’t want to undaily holidailies right in the very first week. (   You see, We have a 12:30 call for a 2:30 murder mystery today.  Which means, amongst other things,  that some bunch of yahoos will be eating a 4-course Italian dinner at 2:30 in the afternoon.

Then, We are off to the opening of the WaitStaff show (which We are not in, and consequently have not plugged, as We can’t even get YouPeople to come see things We ARE in, but here:

And all in this lovely rain.  With Our umbrella left behind in the hinterlands.  Sigh.

In other news, Our Gay Card has been revoked for not watching the live version of The Sound of Muzak on television last night. 

Also, We had a dream in which We were flirted with (and groped!) by a young Cuban gentleman who was repairing the stairs at Our grandparents’ house.  (We have no idea how We knew he was Cuban, as opposed to just generically Latino, but, hey, it was obviously a dream, as (A.) he was much too cute to be groping the likes of Us, and (2.) he would never in real life have been so much as inside of Our grandfather’s house.)

In still other news, We mentioned recently that We had been dumped…We would say it’s official, but it isn’t, so We are left to imagine all of the heinous offenses We must have committed.  What it is, however, is abundantly clear.  On the plus side, however, the sex We’re not having now is the same as the sex We weren’t having before, so there’s that.

In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others:  You’re welcome.

And here’s the HorrorScope…

And suddenly, the news that it’s Agnes Moorehead’s birthday has made everything just a little bit better.  (She would be a hundred and thirteen today, in case you were wondering.)

Today’s HorrorScope is presented without interruption.  (Make your own damn callbacks.)

You may feel like you’re living in a science fiction film today — things are moving quickly, and you may be excited to see new possibilities open up before your eyes. Enjoy the future!  You might not believe that you have all the determination and ambition you need to make some major headway today, but you definitely do! Early in the morning, if you can devote some time to figuring out a few shortcuts, you will be able to free up valuable time in the afternoon to get more work done. Your brain will be sharper as the day goes on, so try to save complicated or detail-oriented work for the end of your day. In the morning, your mind will be creative but indecisive.  Your unique spirit and big ideas really shine today, but you can also play well with others! Find that hot event or promising party — you’re sure to find that the connections you make now really crackle.

Happy Picturing Blair (Ren? (Chad?)) In The Buff Week!

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.