Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For JustAnotherManicottiMonday, December 9rd, 2013.
Happy Birthday to Domenick, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the hinterlands of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Domenick, it should be noted, directed Starzina’s first-ever public appearance in the WaitStaff’s 2008 Fringe show, WaitStaff Wit’. And look how far We’ve come! We’re still here, We’re still talking about Ourself in the third person, and We’re thisclose to announcing Our performance date in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January!
Happy Birthday also to Summer Clearance, who also turns twenty-four today, suspiciously in the very same hinterland as Domenick. Hmmm….
Meanwhile, in case you hadn’t heard, it snew here yesterday. (Know-knew-known, snow-snew-snown…Engrish is difficult. Have an eggroll, Mister Goldstone.) And, in a Christmas-fucking-miracle, when We went outside to shovel said snow, some kind neighbor had already shoveled it for Us. Halle-fuckin’-lujah! (Which is different than Halle-fuckin’-Berry, but We’re not exactly sure how.)
(We initially missed typing the S in “shoveled” above; We also mistakenly thought that “shoveled” had two Ls in it. Thus, We typed “hovelled”, and Micro$oft Weird™ did NOT mark it as misspelled. Hmmm, sed We…We knew (know-knew-known, snow-snew-snown) what a “hovel” (noun) was, but “hovel” (verb)? Guess what, monkey butt? “Hovel” (verb) means “to seek shelter in a hovel”.)
Is Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! fucking educational, or what?
In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And here’s the HorrorScope…
There are a crazy lot of celebrity birthdays today (in addition to Summer Clearance)…Donny Osmond and Judi Dench…John Malkovich and Margaret Hamilton… that’d be some movie (if only Margaret Hamilton weren’t (subjunctively) dead). Also, Kirk Douglas turns ninety-seven today…who knew (know-knew-known, snow-snew-snown) he was still alive?
Something ugly goes down (On whom? (Know-knew-known, snow-snew-snown, blow-blew-blown.))
early in the day that could turn into a real problem — so face it head-on and make sure that you’ve got everyone on your side. (Um…We’re the only One here.)
(We just heard it’s supposed to snow again tomorrow. Did We mention that it’s not even winter yet?)
It’s not as hard as you think. (As We are A Highly-Trained Professional, We shall refrain from saying, “that’s what SHE said”. However, We shall be thinking it.)
You’re about to be on the receiving end (Of the ugly person who’s going down?)
of several pieces of really great news. (Oh. Okay.)
Expect the word to arrive from a higher-up you weren’t sure had ever noticed you. (How high izzee?)
You’ll be amazed to discover you definitely haven’t been overlooked. (Much like the four-leaf clover that We overlooked before?)
Once that news sinks in, you may need to make a decision. (We “may”? How will We decide whether We do or not?)
A serious, wonderful decision. (Sentences. They need verbs.)
If it doesn’t happen right away, be patient. (What did the doctor say to the dwarf? Be a little patient.)
(This is one of those days when you wish you were (subjunctively) Us.)
It’s coming. (So is Christmas. And whoever the ugly person is going down on.)
There are times to take action and times to just stand still. (To everything, turd, turd, turd, there is a season, turd, turd, turd…)
(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “turd” is a word. “Tard” neither. Sigh.)
Right now, you need to stay where you are. (Which, while it might prove difficult for some, is nowhere near as difficult as staying where you aren’t.)
Focus your energy inside and give yourself space to let your mind wander a bit. (We let Our mind wander once. It never came back.)
Don’t try to focus on any one thing — just see where your subconscious takes you. (Oh, sure…last time We tried THAT, We wound up in Donny Osmond’s Underoos™. They STILL haven’t been able to explain it to Marie.)
(Know-knew-known, snow-snew-snown…blow-blew-blown, glow-glew-glown…flow-flew-flown, clow-clew-clown, plow-plew-plown…fuck Engrish, let’s dance.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.