I’m in love with a girl named Fred

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, November 6, 2012.  Happy Erection Day to all Our United Statesian readers.  Also, Happy Birthday to Peter, who turns twenty-four today.  In Delaware, which is not a swinger state.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Monica, who also also turns twenty-four today. In Ohio, which IS a swinger state. Also also also lhasa apso, Happy Birthday to Vincent, who also also also lhasa apso turns twenty-four today.  Right here in Pennsylvania, which is CLEARLY a swinger state, as this is where We Our Own Self Personally live.  And swing.  Like the pendulum do.  (Did anyone else get that reference?  God, We’re old.)

We hear that, immediately after the polls close, there will be a key party along the Pennsylvania-Ohio border.  (Again, Us?  Old.)

Speaking of voting, We Our Own Self Personally have not done so yet. Contrary to the way people are behaving on SitOnMyFaceBook, there is no rule that the earlier in the day you vote, the more times your vote gets counted. (Unless you’re a Republicant in Ohio, using Mitt Romney’s son’s voting machines.  (We would look up the kid’s name, but We can’t be arsed.  Dick?  No, it starts with a T…Twat?  Or is that one of those Alaskan retards?  Sigh.  Republicants are difficult.))

When We DO go to vote (which will be immediately after We post this, for those of you who like to play along at home and live vicariously through Us), We shall be exercising Our right NOT to have to show ID.  No doubt We shall get into a fight with little old polling place ladies, but We shall have the FBI on speed dial.  So if Starzina’s picture winds up in the paper, you’ll know why.

We do so love doing Our civic doody.

(Every so often, We edit Ourself.  You’re welcome.)

Wow…ANOTHER NCIS spinoff on CBS.  Wherever will We find the time?

*************************************************************************************

Here is the link with which you would share Our new Time of the Month Horoscope video with your friends, if you were (subjunctively) so inclined.  Like the plane. http://youtu.be/UiJLA4MRNNg .  Enjoy!

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Scorpio video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

WHAT?  Not only Erection Day, but also SALLY FIELD’S BIRTHDAY?!?  Surely you jest…

You may find it a little harder than usual  (That’s what she said.)

to get along peaceably with your friends — but any fights should be playful, not serious. (Ah, those playful not serious fights.  We always forget…which kind was the French and Indian War?)

(Meanwhile, whoever expected a French and Indian War reference in an Eric Daily Horoscope?  It’s almost as unexpected as the Spanish Inquisition.  (Everyone, on the other hand, expects a Spanish Panic reference.))

Your great energy keeps you from going over the line. (One toke over the line, Sweet Jeebus.)

 If you are looking for a new dose of romance in your life, (Is it just Us, or does “dose” sound  a little too clinical?  And possibly I a bad way?  For instance, doesn’t one get a “dose” of the clap?  Just sayin’.)

playing ‘hard to get’ is not advisable right now. (Fine. We’ll play badminton.  Show Us your birdie.)

You have nothing to lose (Indeed.)

by advertising your urge to get to know someone better, so put some effort into getting the word out today. (Oh, please.  We can’t even get people to answer Our SitOnMyFaceBook messages.)

Let people know that you are looking — it could plant just the right seed in someone’s head. (“Planting a seed in someone’s head” is a euphemism, right?)

If romance isn’t on your list right now, (Wait…there’s a list?)

use your communication skills (Habnah fleebender krumptz.)

to make sure a friend understands how your relationship has changed.  (Wouldn’t the “planting of the seed in his head” give him a clue?  How stupid IS this friend, anyway?)

Feeling hot, hot, hot? (It’s November.  No.)

You should be, if the stars have anything to say about it (We’ll take Paul Lynde to block.)

— and you’re looking hot, hot, hot too! (Clearly, Kelli wants something from Us.)

Don’t delay when it comes to having some sizzling fun. (Does the word “sizzling” automatically make anyone else think of fajitas?  Mmmm…fajitas.)

How about salsa dancing?  (Sounds messy.)

(Wait for it…THERE ya go!)

                           

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Science fiction double feature

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WhinesDay, September 26, 2012.  Welcome to Pray For Death Day Three, otherwise known as James Caviezel’s birthday.  James Caviezel, for those who are unenlightened (much as We Our Own Self Personally were until just a moment ago), played Jesus H. Christ in Mel Gibson’s S&M flick, The Passion of the Christ. We Our Own Self Personally played Jesus H. Christ in The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game. James Caviezel no doubt made more money than We did, but We had more fun.

All around the mulberry bush, the monkey James Caviezel…

Oh, you know you were singing it too…

Speaking of death, Our InterNetz tell Us that Andy Williams just died.  We were pretty sure he was already dead.  We, meanwhile, are not actually Praying For Death as fervently as We might, because, despite the sweet release it would provide from this bubonic-plague-like ailment with which We are currently afflicted, We would be embarrassed to have Our body discovered in a house as filthy as Ours currently is.  So We suppose We shall have to live.

Sigh.

Meanwhile, if We have to be so deathly ill, is it too much to ask that we should lose Our appetite at the same time? Gawd forbid We should lose a pound or two for Our troubles.

In other news, having already been forced to miss Heather Locklear’s birthday festivities this week, today We shall be forced to give Olivia Newton-John’s shindig a miss.  Sigh.

(All of Our str8 boi readers are desperately trying to create a euphemism out of “Olivia Newton-John’s shindig”.  Let me hear your body talk, your body talk.)

Here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above).  All of your insights have been so helpful so far, much like Mitt Rmoney’s Open Window Policy for airplanes and submarines:

It is difficult to believe that it was only a few short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You need to take control of a new situation, and make sure that everyone involved knows what’s expected of them. (Yeah, okay, that right there?  Way more energy than We have at Our disposal.  We’re gonna need to pencil that in for, say, early next week.  Mmmmkay?)

Your organizational skills might be rusty, (Possibly even gangrenous.)

but you can still get it done.  (Whence came “gangrenous”?  We’ve no idea.  (Although We were about to start a riff on “gangrenous” in Frawnch, i.e “gangre-nous”, but We thought better of it.  (You’re welcome.))  Perhaps, instead of quasi-coherent sentences, We should just begin making a list of all the words We know…)

aardvark

alabaster

Anabaptist

aqueduct

assimilate

attaché

awake

aware

aye

azure

(This is no fun.)

It’s the perfect time for you to organize a group outing (Fine.  The Boy Scouts?  Are gay.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

or party, (‘Cause tonight We’re gonna party like it’s nineteen twenty-nine.)

and you won’t need any excuse to get your people together. (Okay, do you even listen to yourself when you talk, you asshatted asshat who’s wearing her ass as a hat?  If We’ve organized a group outing or party, that IS Our excuse for getting “Our people” together.  Jeebus.)

Everyone’s feeling fine and in the mood to let loose with the laughter and have a good time. (Good.  Then they can all go to Olivia Newton-John’s shindig without Us.)

Why not figure out a way to get all your different social circles intertwined together?  (Because that sounds like absolute hell on earth?  Just a thought.)

Having all of your worlds collide (Said George Powell to his bride, “I’m gonna give you some terrible thrills.”)

doesn’t have to be stressful at all. (Not for you, maybe.  It’s OUR  worlds you’ve got colliding.  Bitch.)

After all, everyone has something in common — they adore you!   (We’ll have what she’s having.)

Get them talking about you and all will be fine.  (We can just imagine.)

Staying firmly in touch with your personal values now means you’re that much closer to attaining a certain romantic goal.  (Oh, please.  If you could see Us right now, the last thing you would imagine would be Us “attaining a romantic goal”.)

A long talk with a friend about what you want keeps you on target. (Ready…fire…aim.)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

A person could develop a bad, bad cold

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, September 25, 2012.

Three days coming, three days with you, three days going.  We are very confused.  Sunday was definitely a “coming” day, and today it is definitely “with Us”.  We are unclear as to what yesterday was, although it’s pretty clear that this shit ain’t gonna start going away until at least tomorrow.

Sigh.

And We had so many plans for things We needed to get done after the show closed.  Sitting around watching snot fall out of Our nose was, oddly, not on the list.  What a waste of a week.

Our apologies to Heather Locklear, but We are fairly sure you wouldn’t want Us to show up to your birthday festivities in Our current condition.

Meanwhile, from the No ‘Tard Left Behind Department, Presidential Candidate and Inappropriate Spray Tanner Mitt Rmoney doesn’t know why you can’t open the windows on  an airplane.  Is it just Us, or is this assclown starting to make Dumbya look smart?

Because We clearly have nothing, here are some tweets from Twatter:

Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong unless it's the rearview mirror and you're driving a school bus.

I wish babies would stop saying "hi" to me while in the checkout line.  I don't fucking know you.  Don't talk to me.

Your neck tattoo says "Only God can judge me", yet here I am.

Remember, if you're attractive, it's called persistence.  If you're ugly, it's called being a stalker.

It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-It on the one they want me to look at when we're talking.

The best way to prepare Brussels sprouts is to throw them in the trash while ordering a delicious pizza.

You don't have to break my  heart to make me cry.  Just put me in Home Depot and tell me to find an air filter.

Here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above).  All of your insights have been so helpful so far, much like Helen Keller in an air traffic control tower.

It is difficult to believe that it was only three short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:  http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Your leadership is rarely in question, and today shows why that’s the case.  (Because We’re all alone in OurHouseWhereWeLive?)

You take the reins at work or at home in a way that shows everyone concerned what’s what.   (Wait…We’re on a horse? Are We Isaiah Mustafa?)

Don’t look back!  (Or down.  Or in the basement.)

The future belongs to people who think for themselves, (That’s what YOU think.)

(Heh.)

so where does that leave you? (In bed, hopefully.)

Being a part of the crowd is important, (Ve vant to be alone.)

and you certainly don’t want to create tension among your people. (If We have so many damn people, why can’t one of ‘em be sick for Us?)

But when you start agreeing to things that you don’t actually believe in, that’s too far over the line. (One toke over the line, Sweet Jeebus…)

Today, you have to hold on to your convictions and keep your individuality.  (That sounds like a lot of work.  Can We do it tomorrow?  Or, preferably, next week?)

If other people react poorly to your opinions or disagreement, then that’s their problem to solve — not yours.  (Good.)

Make a few plans today.  (Perhaps We shall start in on next week’s social calendar.  Assuming, of course, that We live that long.)

You could bake a cheesecake (In what universe?)

or you could ask that good-looking stranger to grow old with you. (Yeah.  Because that’s a pick-up line that’ll work.)

You pick!  (You suck!)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

I said NO, NO, NO

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, September 14, 2012.   It is Amy Winehouse’s birthday.  They tried to make her go to rehab, but she said, “Fuck you; I’m dead.”

So, recent events having proven to US that We are completely alone in here, We’re gonna talk about whatever We want, and not worry about entertaining anybody’s asses.  To wit, New And Improved(?) Glee. We are not entirely sure We are on board.  For one thing, the “spin-off” of Rachel in New York?  Has already been done.  It was called That Girl, and it starred Marlo Thomas.  Of course, in this version, she has a gay boyfriend, but…oh, wait.  Never mind.

Also, where was everybody?  Finn, Mercedes, Quinn, Santana, Puck, Emma, Mike, etc., etc.?  All the absences made it really difficult to remember who had graduated and who hadn’t.

That said, all of those people are still on contract, AND they’ve added about twenty new characters?  (And that was just the lunch lady.  (Ba-DUMP-bump.))  There are too many people on this show.  It is time for a tornado to blow through Lima, Ohio and thin the herd.  Seriously.  While We applaud Ryan Murphy for not letting these characters stay in high school until they’re collecting their pensions, it’s time to let go.  See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya….don’t let the screen door hit ya where the good lord split ya…buh-BYE!

In still other news, it’s a good thing Christian Guy looks so much like Christ, or We would forget he was Christian Guy, not having heard him speak in so long.  Also, if We were Mercedes, We’d be very upset to be being replaced by a drag queen.  Also also, bringing on Puck’s younger brother so We will assume he is “just like Puck”, and thereby forgive you the absence of character development is lazy, lazy writing.

Naturally, We shall tune in next week anyway.

Meanwhile, We Our Own Self Personally are now following yet another Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) bloggist, which see:  http://www.astrologydating.com/pub/blog_post/an-astrologer-gets-you-pregnant How can you fail to believe in someone who tells you Uranus isn’t good for making babies?

Editing to add this, which just went live: http://blog.livearts-fringe.org/2012/09/14/philly-fringe-vital-stats-jesus-christ/

In other other news, tickets are almost gone for The Match Game  tonight and tomorrow, so grab ‘em quick if you’re planning to come:

http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar .

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:  http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/criticalmass/FRINGE-REVIEW-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly-Play-Match-Game-.html

And here is Our Own Personal most recent claim to fame: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You need a new adventure — and one is coming your way at top speed!   (No doubt The Poseidon Adventure.  With Shelley Winters as The Lunch Lady.)

Hop on board and take the reins as you find a way to have fun without spoiling any other plans you had made.  (So what you seem to be saying, with your limited linguistic skills, is that We had originally made plans to have no fun…is that right, AssHat?)

The amount of work you put into something is directly proportional to the quality of said work, (ExACTly.  The less work We have to do, the better.  See?  Proportional.)

so try not to cut any corners today. (Of course not.  Where’s the fun in that?)

Give yourself all the time you need, (Time being, naturally, infinite.  Also, controllable by mere mortals.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

(This just in:  Mittens R-money wants Us all to know that “middle income” is $200,000 to $250,000 a year.  So even when We were working, We were impoverished.  Good to know, asshole.)

so you won’t rush and miss some very urgent details. (Not to mention unguent details. And ungulate details.  Don’t miss those, either.)

Be thorough with everything you do — spell check every email before sending it off, (Also, climb ev’ry mountain.  And ford ev’ry stream.)

and make sure you have returned all important phone calls by the middle of the day. (Well, yes.  It’s very important that you give everyone their phone calls back.  By the end of the day, everyone should have exactly the phone calls they started out with.)

Leaving too many questions unanswered will cause someone’s imagination to spin in some weird directions.  (Why?)

(She didn’t answer Our question.)

Those around you may be moving slow, (Hi, Uncle Joe!)

(If you got that?  You are very, very old.  Go directly back to bed.  Do not pass gas, do not collect  200,000 dollars.)

(See how We tied that all together?  THAT’S comedy.)

(Is there an echo in here?)

but according to the stars, (Get ready to match the stars!)

you’re raring to go. (What does that even mean?)

You’ll love a challenge now, and if you make an effort to make connections, they can really go places.  (Who are these “they” of whom you speak?  Why can’t WE go places?)

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.