You say it’s your birthday

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day,  October TwennyTwothst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Darren, who is having his final dress rehearsal for turning twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  (Darren is a lovely ginger and, as today is his birthday but otherwise a thoroughly dreary day, We intend to spend a number of random odd moments picturing him in his birthday suit. (We have now made Darren blush, and if there’s anything hotter than a blushing ginger, We haven’t yet heard what it is.))

In between picturings of Darren in his birthday suit, We must trundle out into the deluge for a private show at the Murder Mystery Factory.  (Please note that the phrase “private show” does not, in this particular instance, mean that We will be showing Our privates. (Not, mind you, that We wouldn’t show you Our privates, that being on the list of Things Starzina Would Do For A Dollar, to which We have recently been alluding (which see:

We were somewhat taken aback that no one responded to Our offer yesterday…perhaps it is just taking you a while to get your self-addressed self-stamped envelopes together, or perhaps the Pony Express is less express-esque where you are, but, I case you missed it, here it is again:

For you whore fans, send a self-addressed self-stamped envelope for your very own printed list of “Things Starzina Will Do For A Dollar”.

We would, of course, be even more likely to show you Darren’s privates for a dollar, mainly because We figger you’d be less likely to ask for change.

Speaking of dollars, We love when the mail arrives with an unexpected check in it.

Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:  http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ

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And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, in case you were mistakenly feeling young today, Michael Fishman, who played little DJ on Roseanne, is thirty-three today. Zac Hanson, the youngest Hanson brother in Hanson, is twenty-nine. And little Jonathan Lipnicki, who famously said, “You said fuck” to Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire, is twenty-four.  He is also pictured above.  You’re welcome.

And now, as We need to go find Our little yellow rain slicker and Our rubbers prior to going off to show Our mysterious privates, here, in lieu of call-and-response with the AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia.  (We love ANY reading that contains a suggestion to “Think Uranus”.):

Greetings Starzina ~

Welcome back. Madame Olivia is happy to see you again.

Madame Olivia has a splendid insight into handling anxiety or worry. Worry is usually about a future event. True, one can worry about an ongoing problem, but it is forecasting doom that causes the worry. The trick is to focus on action that can be taken now. If there is no action that you can take (and want to take), for example to help a loved one with a problem, then worry is counter-productive. It really can make things worse as it pulls you into the system of dysfunction. So if you find yourself worrying about something obsessively, back out; stay calm; do what you can; and eschew worry.

Well, dear Aries, Madame Olivia can see that you are venturing into some new territory these days, which is perfectly consistent with the planetary movement: think Uranus. Despite your much-vaunted esprit, you too are sometimes assailed by doubts. Go ahead and entertain them: some choices loom in the near future which merit close inspection. Just because people are expecting you to leap in doesn't mean either that you must or that it's a good idea right now. Let your head rule your heart in the coming days.

Madame Olivia senses that the color yellow is going to be important for you

Godspeed and good wishes from Madame Olivia until next time.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

They say I better get a chaperone because I can't stop messin' with the danger zone

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For March 14^st , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Barb, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in California.  (It is always a mystery to Us why they give place-names to places in California when, as all Right-Coasters know, there are only two places there:  El Lay (which contains, of course, WeHo) and Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat.  (Purists will argue the existence of San Diego, which is where they make gay porn, but, this being a family-friendly horoscope, We decline to enter that discussion.))

(It is so too a family-friendly horoscope!  If your family’s name is Addams…)

Barb, as it turns out, is turning twenty-four in the Fran Sancisco part of California.  With, hopefully, a candle in her Rice-A-Roni™.  (Did that sound like a vulgar euphemism to you?  Because it sounded like a vulgar euphemism to Us, and We were uncharacteristically aware of what the hell We were talking about.)

We have lamented in these e-pisstles before, but it bears repeating, that Rice-A-Roni™ ceased being a treat when they took the little slivered almonds out of the fried-rice Rice-A-Roni™ flavor.  Because, as you may have surmised, We prefer Our treats to have nuts.  (Our tricks, too, but that’s a whore of another color.)

Moving on, Happy Birthday also to Dominic, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  Also too, Happy Birthday to Sue, aka Berdine, who also too turns twenty-four today, in, We just today for the first time noticed, Bethlehem.  Where We had no idea anyone actually lived, although We had heard of people being born there.

(That right there was a little of the family-friendly religious humor for which Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is famous.  A Jesus joke that your starchiest nun would be hard-pressed to take offense at, if you will.  (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about YOU?))

Apropos of nothing, how much do We love it when Our Hottie McHottHott With HottSauce mailman brings the mail, AND there’s a check in it?  Thanks, Loretta! (We should note at this juncture that Loretta and LOretta are two different people.  So it’s good that one of them is called “Loretta” and the other is called “LOretta”.  (Also, how damn glamorous is Our life that We know TWO people named Loretta (well, one named Loretta and one named LOretta, but still…))

We had a red-letter day yesterday (literarily, a red-letter day is good, but a scarlet letter is bad; discuss) in that We heard from more people named in Our e-pisstle than ever before…We hope this signifies the start of a trend!  So shout-outs to Ian (We hope you got a “candle in your Rice-A-Roni™” for your birthday (god, that sounds vile!)), and Josh, and Jill (who would actually be mentioned again today regardless of this shout-out, as it was during a convo on her SitOnMyFaceBook page that We were told (not by Jill, mind you) to shut Our pie-hole about Pie Day.

Also, confidential to Becky (so the rest of you, put pie in your ears):  the last time We bought a slip, it was at FW Woolworth & Company.  So that tells you how long ago THAT was.

Moving on, in ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopular) news, We have entered the sign of Pisces, Our most recent video for which is above.  Here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 

Because you do that, don’t you?  DON’T YOU?

And here, because We can resist no opportunity to share it, is Our FIRST Pisces video, starring the now non-teen-aged Justin Bieber.  :

In horrifying news, We had better best get the fuck out of Pisces FAST, because We just discovered that Justin Bieber has now surpassed Johnny Depp as Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s most-cited celebrity.  Jeebus.

http://www.queerty.com/justin-biebers-penis-will-be-redacted-from-police-security-footage-sorry-everyone-20140305/

And now, the HorrorScope:

Bringing you, as We do, the Up-To-The-Minute, Vital-To-The-Realm Celebrity Birthday News…Taylor Hanson (of Hanson fame) turns thirty-one today.  Because We like Our treats with nuts, We spent some time this morning Googling various Hansons on Wikipedia.  Turns out, “Taylor” is his middle name; his full name is Jordan Taylor Hanson.  One wonders how he came to call himself “Taylor” when “Jordan” is an equally cool name.  (He also has five, count ‘em, FIVE children, but We prefer not to think about that.  Who does he think he is, a fucking Osmond brother?)

Meanwhile, his poor older brother Isaac (and, if you were (subjunctively) unfortunate enough to be named “Isaac”, wouldn’t you simply HAVE to call yourself “Zac” (well, “Sac” (okay, actually “Saac”))?) can’t even call himself “Zac”, because that’s the youngest brother’s name.  Turns out, however, that he doesn’t even HAVE to call himself “Isaac”, because his actual first name is “Clarke”.  Which is way cooler, except for that unnecessary Very Gay E.

Zac, meanwhile, is using a diminutive of his actual first name (Zachary), which does, however, raise several questions.  How does a Zachary decide between “Zac” and “Zach”?  And where the hell does the K come from in all these “Zack”s? Zac also has a perfectly acceptable middle name, to wit, “Walker”.  Much like Walker, Texas Ranger.  Except that Walker was his LAST name.  (Is Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! fucking educational or what?) Also, the Hansons are from Oklahoma, and "Walker, Oklahoma Ranger" just sounds stupid.

Whew!  That’s a whole lotta stuff about Hanson.  And their half-a-dozen nuts.  We are plumb wore out!

We shall leave you with two mental pixtures:  the Hanson brothers taking a SitOnMyFaceBook quiz entitled “Which Jonas Brother Are You?,   And Chuck Norris listening to a mash-up of “Mmm-Bop” and Cyndi Lauper’s “She-Bop”.  On his Walkman™.

You’re welcome.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

One dream can change the world. Keep believing till you find a way.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  FriedEgg, May 24, 2013.  Yes, ladies and genitals, it is MAY TWENNY-FORF, and We have just had to close Our kitchen window because We got cold.  What the mother-fucking fuckety-fuck?

Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Jose, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to Charlene, who also turns twenty-four today.  And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Bill, who apparently turns twenty-four every day this week.

In other news, it has come (heh) to Our attention that Hanson (you remember Hanson, yes?  Isaac, Taylor, and Zac?  The Jonas Brothers from the 90s?) are producing their own beer. (The youngest one is now 27, so they can legally drink and everything.)  The beer is called Mmmhops™, and, because that totally sounds like something We would just make up, here is a reference to prove that We didn’t: http://twentytwowords.com/2013/05/24/hanson-yes-as-in-hanson-the-boy-band-has-their-own-beer-now/

Meanwhile, in a totally different sector of the WorldWideInterWebNetz, We were involved in a discussion about vajazzling, when it occurred to Us that The Vajazzler would have been an excellent villain on the 60s Batman TV series.  Because We’re twisted like that.  And because men in tights are hot.  Especially when they carry weapons that shoot rhinestones.

We are, you may have noticed, not forthcoming with the e-ditorial We mentioned having up Our sleeve yesterday.  Mainly because it would require actual writing, and the formation of coherent sentences, for which (A.) We shot Our wad earlier in the week, and (2.) We cannot be arsed on a day in which clearly Our loftiest ambitchion is to go back to bed.  Perhaps Monday, same bat-time, same bat-channel.

In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

And now the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthdays, today is Queen Victoria’s, not to mention Priscilla Presley’s.  Also, it is the birthday of some country singer of whom We had never heard until just now, whose name is Billy Gilman, and who desperately needs an orthodontist.

Your aggressive tendencies (What the fuck are you talking about?  You shut your mouth before We shut it for you!  We will punch you right in the cootch!)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

are making life really weird (Not as weird as Billy Gilman’s teeth.)

— mostly for you!  (Meanwhile, how many of YouPeople are reading this with one eye, while mentally designing a costume for The Vajazzler?)

(Y’all are so gay.)

If you can find a way to ratchet it back a bit, (Honey, We only gonna “ratchet” if you rhyme it with “sashay”.)

you should find that you come a lot closer to achieving your goals.  (You DO realize that “coming closer to achieving your goals” is not the same thing as “achieving your goals”, don’t you?)

Feeling a little bit bored with your social life lately? (Wait…when did We get a social life?)

To get a sense of renewal in your life right now, you should let other people take charge of things. (Wait…when did We get things?)

Let them organize the get-togethers and the parties for the next few weeks.   (Generally, they already do.  Of course, they never invite Us…)

Sure, you love to get people together, (Although never, apparently, with Us Our Own Self Personally.)

but why not give someone else a chance to take the lead?  (We tried that earlier in the week.  It didn’t work out.)

By always being the ringleader, you’re never getting a taste of anything new! (On the other hand, if you’re not the lead dog, the view never changes.)

Keep things fresh in your life by handing over the reins. (Alternatively, stick some Summer’s Eve™ in a seltzer bottle…shit’ll get fresh quick fast and in a hurry.)

Open your mind and get ready to try some new things.   (We opened Our mind once.  Everything fell out.  We never did find it all again.  Sigh.)

 For better or worse, your love life isn’t a cheesy sitcom:  (Of course not.  It’s Waiting for Godot.)

(That there was a litter-hairy theatre joke.  Because We’re cultured like that.  We’re so cultured that Jamie Lee Curtis calls Us when she needs to poop.)

There’s no soundtrack and no pat formulaic ending. (Who the hell is Pat Formulaic, and what is he (or she) doing in Our Cheesy Sitcom?)

Instead, the situation is much more real, touching and, yes, complicated than that.  (Well.  Innat just a fuckin’ Hallmark™ card?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.