Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, October TwennyTwothst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Darren, who is having his final dress rehearsal for turning twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. (Darren is a lovely ginger and, as today is his birthday but otherwise a thoroughly dreary day, We intend to spend a number of random odd moments picturing him in his birthday suit. (We have now made Darren blush, and if there’s anything hotter than a blushing ginger, We haven’t yet heard what it is.))
In between picturings of Darren in his birthday suit, We must trundle out into the deluge for a private show at the Murder Mystery Factory. (Please note that the phrase “private show” does not, in this particular instance, mean that We will be showing Our privates. (Not, mind you, that We wouldn’t show you Our privates, that being on the list of Things Starzina Would Do For A Dollar, to which We have recently been alluding (which see:
We were somewhat taken aback that no one responded to Our offer yesterday…perhaps it is just taking you a while to get your self-addressed self-stamped envelopes together, or perhaps the Pony Express is less express-esque where you are, but, I case you missed it, here it is again:
For you whore fans, send a self-addressed self-stamped envelope for your very own printed list of “Things Starzina Will Do For A Dollar”.
We would, of course, be even more likely to show you Darren’s privates for a dollar, mainly because We figger you’d be less likely to ask for change.
Speaking of dollars, We love when the mail arrives with an unexpected check in it.
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, in case you were mistakenly feeling young today, Michael Fishman, who played little DJ on Roseanne, is thirty-three today. Zac Hanson, the youngest Hanson brother in Hanson, is twenty-nine. And little Jonathan Lipnicki, who famously said, “You said fuck” to Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire, is twenty-four. He is also pictured above. You’re welcome.
And now, as We need to go find Our little yellow rain slicker and Our rubbers prior to going off to show Our mysterious privates, here, in lieu of call-and-response with the AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, is a reading from Madame Olivia. (We love ANY reading that contains a suggestion to “Think Uranus”.):
Greetings Starzina ~
Welcome back. Madame Olivia is happy to see you again.
Madame Olivia has a splendid insight into handling anxiety or worry. Worry is usually about a future event. True, one can worry about an ongoing problem, but it is forecasting doom that causes the worry. The trick is to focus on action that can be taken now. If there is no action that you can take (and want to take), for example to help a loved one with a problem, then worry is counter-productive. It really can make things worse as it pulls you into the system of dysfunction. So if you find yourself worrying about something obsessively, back out; stay calm; do what you can; and eschew worry.
Well, dear Aries, Madame Olivia can see that you are venturing into some new territory these days, which is perfectly consistent with the planetary movement: think Uranus. Despite your much-vaunted esprit, you too are sometimes assailed by doubts. Go ahead and entertain them: some choices loom in the near future which merit close inspection. Just because people are expecting you to leap in doesn't mean either that you must or that it's a good idea right now. Let your head rule your heart in the coming days.
Madame Olivia senses that the color yellow is going to be important for you
Godspeed and good wishes from Madame Olivia until next time.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.