Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Hump Day, October Eightst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today in Nawlins. The Big Easy.
Josh is Our only Gentle Reader celebrating a birthday today (at least as far as SitOnOurFaceBook would have Us know), which is fitting, because twenty-four is quite a milestone.
(Did We say “The Big Easy” yet? Did We make an “easy” joke with a sexual innuendo? Was it funny?)
Senility is not for pussies.
(Speaking of Nawlins, it just made Thrillist’s list of the top 18 cities for food in the entire world, which see here: http://www.thrillist.com/eat/nation/the-world-s-best-food-cities )
This just in:
For those of you who are neither Josh, nor in Nawlins, nor The Big Easy, fear not. No matter how far removed you are from Josh, his birthday cake, and all other attendant shenanigantics, We have just learned that it is National Fluffernutter™ Day!
National Fluffernutter™ Day, people!!!
(We do NOT make this stuff up.)
(Speaking of planets, Uranus. (No, not really…We just said that because there was Fluffernutter™ in the preceding story. (Which made Us think, naturally, of Uranus. (But speaking of planets, We just heard though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine that Pluto may be a planet again. (The jury is still out on Goofy.)))))
Speaking of absolutely nothing that We’ve spoken of so far, here are thirteen sets of twin male models who are totally not safe for work. You’re welcome: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/double-the-fun?bftw&utm_term=4ldqpfp#7alark
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, it is Matt Damon’s birthday. In honor of same, this Sarah Silverman piece from the Jimmy Kimmel show has always made Us laugh:
And here is the companion piece:
You’re torn between your ambitions and your wildest dreams (Which is better than being torn between two lovers, feeling like a Foo Fighter.)
(Whatever that means.)
— but you may not have to make the choice just yet. (Well, unless one of YouPeople is surprising Us with a trip to Nawlins, We choose Fluffernutter™.)
Don’t close any doors, (Well, you know what They say: when Gawd closes a door, go jump out the window.)
(That’s a terrible thing to say; why do They say that?)
but try to stay aware of what’s going on around you. (Sorry…did you say something?)
(Heh…see what We did there?)
(That was that there existential humor.)
(Existential humor is the kind that’s not funny.)
In a gaggle of geese, you’re a swan. In a clutch of hens, you’re the head bird. In a flock of nightingales, you’ve got the sweetest and most powerful voice. (See, all of that right there is misgrammatically syntaxed…to be lexicographically correct, it’s “a grabass of gooses”, “a clutch of purses”, and “a Florence of nightingales”. Jeebus.)
(Sometimes, We are so funny We don’t know what to do with Ourself. (Then We generally go have a wank.))
Yep, you’re kind of a natural leader type. (And a natural blond, too.)
And right now, you’ve got just the right inspiration as to where to go and how to get there. (Unfortunately, We’re already past Our expiration date.)
This inspiration will turn you into a 100 percent bona fide top bird. (Alright, enough with this bird motif already.)
So go ahead and crow until everybody listens. (Jeebus Cripes…another bird? Who the hell are We, Tippi Hedren? (Hi, David!))
Today’s not the day to aggressively attempt to further your own romantic agenda — if you do, a real problem could result. (Well, sure…just imagine how hard it is to get Fluffernutter™ out of satin sheets.)
(You’re actually imagining that now, aren’t you? Bless your heart.)
Focus your energy on others instead, offering a listening ear and a good laugh. (“A listening ear”? Seriously? Is that like “a looking eye”? “A smelling nose”? “A pooping anus”? (Oh, sorry…you said a GOOD laugh. Our bad.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.