Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling), October Ninest, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Jim, who turns twenty-four today
right here in The City Of Brotherly Love handles.
Also, Happy Birthday to Kristina, who also
turns twenty-four today, somewhere in Greater Bostonia.
In other news, We had a dream last
night. In which We watched an entire
play. It starred, randomly, Kristen (hi,
Kristen!), with whom We last worked whilst seeing Goody Proctor with The Devil. Her male co-star was unknown to Us.
The play seemed, at first, to be a two-hander,
and was going along splendidly, until We were distracted by two (str8) couples
making out in the audience.
Then Kristen and her scene partner came down into
the audience, and did a scene lying across empty audience chairs. Which, while
certainly avant garde, would have been better if it were (subjunctively)
audible.
It subsequently developed that the making-out
couples in the audience were actually part of the play. Everyone went back to the stage, and the
thing wrapped up with some sort of an O. Henry twist.
Completely unrelated to Kristen’s
thespianistic efforts, there were then homemade meatballs.
(Speaking
of planets, Uranus. (No, not really…We
just said that because there were meatballs in the preceding story. (Which made Us think, naturally, of Uranus. (But
speaking of planets, We just heard though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine
that Pluto may be a planet again. (The
jury is still out on Goofy.)))))
Speaking of absolutely nothing that We’ve
spoken of so far, here are thirteen sets of twin male models who are totally
not safe for work. You’re welcome: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/double-the-fun?bftw&utm_term=4ldqpfp#7alark
In random other news, a
WorldWideInterWebNetzian group to which We belong wants Us to know that Zilpha
Keatley Snyder has died.
We didn’t even know she was sick.
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here
is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
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And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, you probably already
knew that it is John Lennon and son Sean Lennon’s birthday. But did you know that it is also Brandon
Routh’s penis’s birthday? We thought
not.
Aries
Sleep will elude you
as you wrestle all night with existential questions of mortality and meaning as
well as a couple of random wrestlers.
Taurus
You'll start to think
the people who want you to choose between hugs and drugs have set up a false
dichotomy after discovering you can actually have both at once.
Gemini
Remember, only you can
give yourself permission to be happy, although the people in charge of giving
you permission to use the bathroom may have something to say about that.
Cancer
You had no idea the
love life of the nuthatch was so vigorous, so obsessive, and so likely to
result in the death of people like yourself who just like to watch birds do it.
Leo
You hate the phrase
"We're through the looking glass here, people," but you'll have to
use it anyway this week when you and a bunch of people go through a looking
glass.
Virgo
The stars hate to be
the ones to tell you, but the problem with you is certainly not that you love
too much.
Libra
People will say you've
hit a new low even for you, which is depressing, as they clearly haven't been
paying attention to a thing you've done.
Scorpio
You'll score a bunch
of great stereo equipment and furniture from your neighbors, who happen to die
when you go into their house and stab them and take all their things.
Sagittarius
You'll finally give in
to a persistent coworker's desire to, as he puts it, "spread you wide
open, throw your feet up on the mantel, and really go to town," but to
your great dismay there seems to be sex involved.
Capricorn
You knew that moving
to the suburbs would expose you to a whole new kind of culture shock, but you
had no idea there were people who didn't get drunk to mow the lawn.
Aquarius
Romance will bloom in
your sign this week, coating everything with a thin layer of pollen and making
a mess before germinating into the overripe and rotten fruit of routine.
Pisces
There will be no major
changes in your life this week, which given the fires and barracudas, is pretty
terrible news.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
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Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys
Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of
the Penn rowing team.
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