Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, October TwennyOnethst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Karen, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
And Happy Birthday to Jason, who also turns
twenty-four today, somewhere across the bridge in Jew Nersey.
Our celebrity birthday website is confusing
Us today by insisting that it is the birthday of some Kardashian. As far as We know, the Kardashian is the
monetary unit of Kazakhstan, so what it’s doing with a birthday is beyond Us.
In other news, last night We had one of those
dreams that was so complexicated and detail-laden that it woke Us up, whereupon
We lay awake, still trying to figger out the dream’s conundrum, which was
completely irrelevant to real life. If
Our head had a USB port, We could run Our Own cable network.
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here
is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
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And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In ACTUAL celebrity birthday news, Joyce
Randolph (Trixie Norton of The
Honeymooners fame) is ninety today.
We were somewhat taken aback that no one
responded to Our offer yesterday…perhaps it is just taking you a while to get
your self-addressed self-stamped envelopes together, or perhaps the Pony
Express is less express-esque where you are, but, I case you missed it, here it
is again:
For you whore fans, send a self-addressed
self-stamped envelope for your very own printed list of “Things Starzina Will
Do For A Dollar”.
This is not a good time to openly criticize
people or programs, even if they sorely deserve it. (This is, without a doubt, the most moronic thing you’ve said
in quite some time, Kelli. Also, you are
ugly, and stupid, and your mother dresses you funny.)
(Heh.
See what We did there?)
Hold on to your thoughts for just one more
day (Are
you kidding? We would need a thoughts
laxative. Or maybe a thoughts enema.)
and things should make a lot more sense. (But, if not, at least We’ve just made a poop
joke. And what’s funnier than poop? (Hint: the answer is pooping nuns.))
It’s going to be an interesting day, (Compared to what?)
complete with the possibility of a visit from
the green-eyed monster. (Trick –or-treating so early? How gauche.)
And
when it comes along, you really shouldn’t blame yourself. (As with any such situation, the first
priority is to find an appropriate scapegoat.)
Jealousy is in the air. (Of
course, you’re not likely to notice it, what with all these nuns pooping.)
Doesn’t mean you actually did anything to
inspire it, much less that you’re responsible for its arrival. (Plausible Deniability…it’s not just for
breakfast any more.)
Your only defense is to be honest, stand your
ground and try to explain what happened. (WhatHadHappenedWas…)
Make your health your main focus for the next
few days. (Honey, We have three
murder mysteries in the next four days.
Also, We are still trying to cast the damn murder mystery for November
1. Our health isn’t even in the rearview
mirror.)
(Speaking of November 1, We still need one actor. It is a well-paid gig, with almost no
rehearsal. You could do it as a
one-shot, or become part of the troupe, working according to your schedule. Get at Us if you’re free for more details.)
Kick your exercise routine up a notch, (That sounds like it might involve getting
off the couch. Screw THAT noise!)
and pay extra attention to your diet. (We ate a meatball off the floor right over
there…)
With all the good things that are coming your
way, you want to have the stamina to enjoy them! (Could you pass the gravy? This stamina is a little dry…)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
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Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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