Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, October
Threeth, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Karen, who turns
twenty-four today in New York. New York,
New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
Happy Birthday also to Dawn, who also turns
twenty-four today in Phoenix, Arizona.
Which might remind Gentle Readers Of A Certain Age of the Glen Campbell
(who?) song, “By the Time I Get To
Phoenix”, but which just makes Us want to sing “Phoenix, Arizona” to the
tune of “Gary, Indiana” from The Music Man, because it will make Us
do funny things with our lips.
(No, seriously…try it and see…”Phoenix,
Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona…”
See? Would We lie to you?)
(We would know We had achieved true synchronicity
and that the planets were truly aligned if, at the same moment that Dawn was
singing …”Phoenix, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona…” while actually
IN Phoenix, Arizona, Karen, who is actually a singer (not that Dawn is NOT a
singer, but Karen is a singer by profession), was also singing …”Phoenix,
Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona…” in New York, feeling the funny
things it makes One do with One’s lips, and peeing herself a little.)
(Speaking of planets, Uranus. (No, not really…We just said that because
there was urine in the last paragraph. (But speaking of planets, We just heard
though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine that Pluto may be a planet
again. (The jury is still out on
Goofy.))))
(Is it just Us, or should We be calling The
Guinness Book of World Records, as We have just typed “Phoenix, Arizona” the
most times successively in any one document not related to the governing body
of same?)
And now, before We test Our Gentle Readers’
attention span any further, here is today’s piece
de resistance. This is the reason
why several Gentle Readers who perform stand-up comedy were notified of today’s
e-pisstle. This is one of the most
amazing pieces of stand-up, nay, THEATRE, that We have ever seen. Perhaps We are just tardy to the party, and
everybody else has already heard of Bo Burnham, but check this out (please
note: contains Not Safe For Work language, so either put on your headphones, or
turn the sound down and just read his lips (We Our Own Self Personally are all
about reading his lips)):
In still other news, speaking of specific
Gentle Readers, the following will be of particular interest to Dena, with whom
We used to work, who now works for the gummint. (Hi, Dena!) Those of you who
have the good fortune to know Us personally know that one of Our many
(virtually useless) life skills is Our ability to hold a grudge. (And, parenthetically (hence the parentheses),
why We can never find a job listing in the want ads for a grudgeholder is
completely inexplicable to Us.) You may
also know that one of the ways We make ends meet these days (and, when your
middle is this big, good luck with making your ends meet (you’re picturing that
now, aren’t you? Sorry.)) is by doing
online surveys.
Imagine if you will then Our gleeful surprise
when We fired up a survey this morning and the topic turned out to be the EAC
(Evil Acquiring Company, for you newbs…where Dena and I used to work).
We will allow you to use your imaginations as
to how they fared on any number of rating scales from one to ten. And We can neither confirm nor deny that, in
dialog boxes where We were asked to enter Our opinion in text, We used not only
the word “evil”, but also the word “nefarious”.
(We will confirm, however, that We did NOT use the word “Satan”, but
only because it would have been an insult to Satan.)
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link
with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
****************************************
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
Our celebrity birthday website shows Us,
every day, the top forty-eight celebrities having a birthday that day. We are fairly certain that today wins the “Who
The Fuck Is THAT?” award, for, obviously, having the most celebrities that We
don’t know who the fuck they are. So
Happy Birthday, Seann William Scott and Chubby Checker, because We know who the
fuck you are.
And now, because We have more important
things to do than be amusing YouPeople all day, here, in lieu of
call-and-response with AssHated Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is A Reading From Madame Olivia (and
lettuce call your attention to her reference to Uranus…See? We’re not the only One!):
Greetings
Starzina ~
A warm
welcome back to Madame Olivia.
Perhaps now
is a good time to take this into consideration: a fabulously successful
entrepreneur and smart person said something interesting: "Having a great
idea is overrated: you need great execution." Madame Olivia loves great
ideas but one can never overestimate the crucial importance of just doing the
thing! Sometimes we strive so hard for novelty or differentness when what is
needed is something less glamorous: plugging away.
Dear Aries,
we should talk about some challenges that could present themselves. Something
might well happen that at first looks a little weird. Chalk it up to the
movement of the planets, notably Uranus in Aries! However, if you just wait it
out you will discover that this state of affairs will actually lead to a
fantastic opportunity.
Word of the
hour: connection
Madame
Olivia wishes you the best of the best until we meet again.
For your
next reading, look for an email invitation in a few days from the very busy
Madame Olivia!
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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