Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, October
Fifteenst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Cathy, who is
OurAmericanCousin-In-Law’s Mother. Or,
alternatively, OurAmericanCousin’sMother-In-Law. (Family trees are difficult. Especially in the Fall, when they start to
shed their leaves. (Sorry…Our metaphor just fell into the MixMaster™.) ) At any
rate, Cathy turns twenty-four today. In
Chest Wester.
Speaking of suburbs of The City Of Brotherly
Love Handles, Happy Birthday also to Mike, who also turns twenty-four
today. In some suburb of which We have
never heard. So, as far We as We are
concerned, We are going to call it Narnia.
Happy Birthday also too to Justin, who also
too turns twenty-four today, in WeHo, El Lay.
And, continuing to peripatetically
terpsichoriate Our way around this glorious little globe of Ours, Happy
Birthday to Ian, who turns twenty-four today. In Canada. Montreal, Quebec, to be exact. Which, until this very moment, We would have
told you were two different places in Canada.
(Geography is difficult.
Especially in the Fall, when they start to shed their leaves.)
Does anyone have a fucking CLUE what We’re
talking about? Because We sure as hell
don’t.
And, last
but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Zachary, who turns twenty-four
today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) back.
(Speaking
of planets, Uranus. (No, not really…We
just said that because of all the hot birthday boys. (Which made Us think, naturally, of Uranus. (But
speaking of planets, We just heard though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine
that Pluto may be a planet again. (The
jury is still out on Goofy.)))))
In other news, We had a friend for dinner
last night. He was delicious. (We’re just kidding. We didn’t eat Our friend. (That would make
him a Friend With Benefits. (Or a Friend
With Benefiber™. (Or a Friend With
Bananas Foster. (One of those. (Is
anybody else hungry now? (And does
“Bananas Foster” totally sound like a euphemism? (Much like “plug it into my
wall”. (Of course, in the second
instance, the quotation marks greatly add to the euphemismesqueness.)))))))))
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), was
that last paragraph a parenthesis-fest, or what?)
(Who said, “Or what”?)
And, as if all of this Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! high-larity were not e-nough, this will totally make your day (it
is completely Safe For Work): http://jamesbiliusjean.tumblr.com/post/99961130901/bvckyneedshugs-tumblr-and-puns
Speaking of absolutely nothing that We’ve
spoken of so far, here are thirteen sets of twin male models who are totally
not safe for work. You’re welcome: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/double-the-fun?bftw&utm_term=4ldqpfp#7alark
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here
is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
****************************************
And
heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, it may or may not be
Friedrich Nietzsche’s birthday.
(Heh.
See what We did there?)
(It was existential humor. You know, the kind that’s not funny.)
Ya know what’s good about dinner
parties? Leftover lasagna.
·
Aries After a long, sweaty,
painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you'll finally admit
defeat and call in a real thoracic surgeon.
·
Taurus You'll
become frustrated and depressed when, after approaching beautiful women with
the corny line "I must paint you," you find it actually works like a
charm.
·
Gemini A
horrifying incident with a knife-thrower, a chainsaw-juggler, and a fire-eater
will result in grievous bodily harm, although it's kind of a surprise that it
mostly involves being hit by a bus.
·
Cancer The
stars are sorry, but someone has already thought of starting a band with two of
each instrument in it. It wasn't all that great an idea then, either.
·
Leo You aren't the first
person to try to change someone after falling in love, but you might be the
first to try to unfold that someone into a robot.
·
Virgo The powers-that-be
will get back to you on that pesky legal matter with the news that they're
sorry, but you can't be officially recognized as the first blind person to
drive across North America if you put out your eyes just before crossing the
finish line.
·
Libra Some say the world
will end in ice, some fire. However, the end of your personal world will be
most notable for banal remarks on the humidity.
·
Scorpio While
it's true there is no plumbing the depths of the human heart, you'll come up
with some novel ideas about its heating and electrical wiring.
·
Sagittarius Your
theory that there are only two types of people in the world won't go over well
with the only other survivor of this week's global thermonuclear holocaust.
·
Capricorn You've
always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, but all everyone else
seems to focus on is your lack of pants.
·
Aquarius Buck
up: You still have a lot of life ahead of you, even if the good part was over
years ago.
·
Pisces You
will fall into a pattern of self-destructive behavior this week when you
discover how much fun that sort of thing is.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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