Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, October Fifteenst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Cathy, who is OurAmericanCousin-In-Law’s Mother. Or, alternatively, OurAmericanCousin’sMother-In-Law. (Family trees are difficult. Especially in the Fall, when they start to shed their leaves. (Sorry…Our metaphor just fell into the MixMaster™.) ) At any rate, Cathy turns twenty-four today. In Chest Wester.
Speaking of suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles, Happy Birthday also to Mike, who also turns twenty-four today. In some suburb of which We have never heard. So, as far We as We are concerned, We are going to call it Narnia.
Happy Birthday also too to Justin, who also too turns twenty-four today, in WeHo, El Lay.
And, continuing to peripatetically terpsichoriate Our way around this glorious little globe of Ours, Happy Birthday to Ian, who turns twenty-four today. In Canada. Montreal, Quebec, to be exact. Which, until this very moment, We would have told you were two different places in Canada. (Geography is difficult. Especially in the Fall, when they start to shed their leaves.)
Does anyone have a fucking CLUE what We’re talking about? Because We sure as hell don’t.
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Zachary, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) back.
(Speaking of planets, Uranus. (No, not really…We just said that because of all the hot birthday boys. (Which made Us think, naturally, of Uranus. (But speaking of planets, We just heard though the WorldWideInterWebNetz grapevine that Pluto may be a planet again. (The jury is still out on Goofy.)))))
In other news, We had a friend for dinner last night. He was delicious. (We’re just kidding. We didn’t eat Our friend. (That would make him a Friend With Benefits. (Or a Friend With Benefiber™. (Or a Friend With Bananas Foster. (One of those. (Is anybody else hungry now? (And does “Bananas Foster” totally sound like a euphemism? (Much like “plug it into my wall”. (Of course, in the second instance, the quotation marks greatly add to the euphemismesqueness.)))))))))
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), was that last paragraph a parenthesis-fest, or what?)
(Who said, “Or what”?)
And, as if all of this Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! high-larity were not e-nough, this will totally make your day (it is completely Safe For Work): http://jamesbiliusjean.tumblr.com/post/99961130901/bvckyneedshugs-tumblr-and-puns
Speaking of absolutely nothing that We’ve spoken of so far, here are thirteen sets of twin male models who are totally not safe for work. You’re welcome: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/double-the-fun?bftw&utm_term=4ldqpfp#7alark
Meanwhile, Our Libra video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/I-sVEr84fyk?list=UUtq4ffsQ_xGu4T5NSA2HfaQ
And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, it may or may not be Friedrich Nietzsche’s birthday.
(Heh. See what We did there?)
(It was existential humor. You know, the kind that’s not funny.)
Ya know what’s good about dinner parties? Leftover lasagna.
· Aries After a long, sweaty, painful time trying to fix a knotty problem yourself, you'll finally admit defeat and call in a real thoracic surgeon.
· Taurus You'll become frustrated and depressed when, after approaching beautiful women with the corny line "I must paint you," you find it actually works like a charm.
· Gemini A horrifying incident with a knife-thrower, a chainsaw-juggler, and a fire-eater will result in grievous bodily harm, although it's kind of a surprise that it mostly involves being hit by a bus.
· Cancer The stars are sorry, but someone has already thought of starting a band with two of each instrument in it. It wasn't all that great an idea then, either.
· Leo You aren't the first person to try to change someone after falling in love, but you might be the first to try to unfold that someone into a robot.
· Virgo The powers-that-be will get back to you on that pesky legal matter with the news that they're sorry, but you can't be officially recognized as the first blind person to drive across North America if you put out your eyes just before crossing the finish line.
· Libra Some say the world will end in ice, some fire. However, the end of your personal world will be most notable for banal remarks on the humidity.
· Scorpio While it's true there is no plumbing the depths of the human heart, you'll come up with some novel ideas about its heating and electrical wiring.
· Sagittarius Your theory that there are only two types of people in the world won't go over well with the only other survivor of this week's global thermonuclear holocaust.
· Capricorn You've always considered yourself a belt-and-suspenders type, but all everyone else seems to focus on is your lack of pants.
· Aquarius Buck up: You still have a lot of life ahead of you, even if the good part was over years ago.
· Pisces You will fall into a pattern of self-destructive behavior this week when you discover how much fun that sort of thing is.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.