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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Twice on the crackpipe if the answer is “No”

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday,  October TwennyEightst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Deb, who turns twenty-four today all the way out on The Left Coast.  In El Lay.  Which We always imagine to mean WeHo.  (West Hollywood, for those who are geographically uninclined. (Like the not-so-famous Uninclined Plane.  (Which is not so not-so-famous as The Non-Leaning Tower of Pisa.))

Happy Birthday also to Soi, who also turns twenty-four today. Also in Hollywood.  Albeit Hollywood, Florida.  Which We’re just gonna go right ahead and call “East Hollywood”.  “EaHo”, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…what makes you imagine that it’s all about YOU?)  Because We’ve never heard anyone from El Lay talk about an EaHo out there, so We hereby declare that there isn’t one.

(Hey, We obviously have that power…just one paragraph ago, We invented The Non-Leaning Tower of Pisa, and YouPeople all bought it.)

Speaking of power, We would like you all to know that We fixed a very pesky computer problem this morning, before We even had any coffee!  We are Woman, hear Us roar, like a drunk Zsa Zsa Gabor….

But, before We stray completely from the subject, Happy Belated Birthday to Blaine, and Celeste, and TJ, and Cheez-Its™ Box, each of whom turned twenty-four somewhere over the past two days.

In case you were wondering where We were yesterday (yeah, right), We spent the morning responding to a guest complaint from the Murder Mystery Factory, and the early afternoon making the November schedule for same.  Neither of these activities earned Us so much as one nickel to rub against another one, assuming We had the first nickel to begin with. 

Clearly, We need to re-evaluate Our position and draw some serious boundaries.  On the plus side, in the middle of it all, We booked a focus group for the following week, so that’s a good thing.

Oddly enough, We have precious little else to report.  We did watch (and thoroughly enjoy) The Grand Budapest Hotel on Sunday.  And We have plenty of things We could complain about, but why bother? We’re still waiting around for results from last week’s “Show Us The Penis” Week.

(This seems like it would be a good place for a Leaning Tower of Penis joke.  If only We knew one…)

(For the naked skimmers and newbies in da house, here is a link to the aforementioned inaugural “Show Us The Penis” e-pissode: 

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: 


And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Telma Hopkins of Tony Orlando and Dawn fame was born today, and if you know of a better reason to celebrate, We’d like to hear it. (For some reason, We were just persuing Our Google-O-Meter™ and had an acid flashback to Francisco Lachowski’s birthday.  Which seems as good a reason as any to put a picture of him above.)

It’s a really good time for you to make new connections and try to get others to share their perspectives. (Paging MC Escher…MC Escher to the white courtesy phone…)

Your great energy is sure to make life more interesting for at least one person from far away. (And how exactly does that help Us?)

 The stars are set and ready to turn you into a veritable machine when it comes to getting the job done, and getting it done well. (Could We get it done medium rare?)

This diligent influence will be just what the doctor ordered — if you want to keep your job, that is. (We’re evaluating that…We may, in fact, have too much job for the money.)

All this hard work could get you a promotion!  (Fuck that noise…how ‘bout a raise?)

Something new breathes fresh life into your romantic business.  (Yeah it does…two weeks from now.)

It could be as small as a new lip gloss or sunglasses, or maybe somewhat grander, but it gives you a new lease on love. (Wait…We’re RENTING?  The hell?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.