Good times and bum times, We’ve seen ‘em all, and Our dear…We’re still queer

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For JustAnotherManicottiMonday, December 9^rd, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Domenick, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the hinterlands of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Domenick, it should be noted, directed Starzina’s first-ever public appearance in the WaitStaff’s 2008 Fringe show, WaitStaff Wit’.  And look how far We’ve come!  We’re still here, We’re still talking about Ourself in the third person, and We’re thisclose to announcing Our performance date in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January!

Happy Birthday also to Summer Clearance, who also turns twenty-four today, suspiciously in the very same hinterland as Domenick.  Hmmm….

Meanwhile, in case you hadn’t heard, it snew here yesterday.  (Know-knew-known, snow-snew-snown…Engrish is difficult. Have an eggroll, Mister Goldstone.)  And, in a Christmas-fucking-miracle, when We went outside to shovel said snow, some kind neighbor had already shoveled it for Us. Halle-fuckin’-lujah!  (Which is different than Halle-fuckin’-Berry, but We’re not exactly sure how.)

(We initially missed typing the S in “shoveled” above; We also mistakenly thought that “shoveled” had two Ls in it.  Thus, We typed “hovelled”, and Micro$oft Weird™ did NOT mark it as misspelled.  Hmmm, sed We…We knew (know-knew-known, snow-snew-snown) what a “hovel” (noun) was, but “hovel” (verb)?  Guess what, monkey butt?  “Hovel” (verb) means “to seek shelter in a hovel”.)

Is Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! fucking educational, or what?

In still other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope  video (Sagittarius) with you (see above).  Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  You’re welcome.

And here’s the HorrorScope…

There are a crazy lot of celebrity birthdays today (in addition to Summer Clearance)…Donny Osmond and Judi Dench…John Malkovich and Margaret Hamilton… that’d be some movie (if only Margaret Hamilton weren’t (subjunctively) dead).  Also, Kirk Douglas turns ninety-seven today…who knew (know-knew-known, snow-snew-snown) he was still alive?

Something ugly goes down (On whom? (Know-knew-known, snow-snew-snown, blow-blew-blown.))

early in the day that could turn into a real problem — so face it head-on and make sure that you’ve got everyone on your side. (Um…We’re the only One here.)

(We just heard it’s supposed to snow again tomorrow.  Did We mention that it’s not even winter yet?)

It’s not as hard as you think.  (As We are A Highly-Trained Professional, We shall refrain from saying, “that’s what SHE said”.  However, We shall be thinking it.)

You’re about to be on the receiving end (Of the ugly person who’s going down?)

of several pieces of really great news. (Oh.  Okay.)

Expect the word to arrive from a higher-up you weren’t sure had ever noticed you. (How high izzee?)

You’ll be amazed to discover you definitely haven’t been overlooked. (Much like the four-leaf clover that We overlooked before?)

(What?)

Once that news sinks in, you may need to make a decision.  (We “may”?  How will We decide whether We do or not?)

A serious, wonderful decision.  (Sentences.   They need verbs.)

If it doesn’t happen right away, be patient. (What did the doctor say to the dwarf?  Be a little patient.)

(This is one of those days when you wish you were (subjunctively) Us.)

It’s coming.  (So is Christmas.  And whoever the ugly person is going down on.)

There are times to take action and times to just stand still. (To everything, turd, turd, turd, there is a season, turd, turd, turd…)

(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “turd” is a word.  “Tard” neither.  Sigh.)

Right now, you need to stay where you are. (Which, while it might prove difficult for some, is nowhere near as difficult as staying where you aren’t.)

Focus your energy inside and give yourself space to let your mind wander a bit. (We let Our mind wander once.  It never came back.)

Don’t try to focus on any one thing — just see where your subconscious takes you. (Oh, sure…last time We tried THAT, We wound up in Donny Osmond’s Underoos™.  They STILL haven’t been able to explain it to Marie.)

(Know-knew-known, snow-snew-snown…blow-blew-blown, glow-glew-glown…flow-flew-flown, clow-clew-clown, plow-plew-plown…fuck Engrish, let’s dance.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

What if God was one of us?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThursday, August 8^st, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Kevin, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Nicholas, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit for only the second time.  In Reading.  Where the Monopoly™ railroad is.  And also too, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to TCBITWWW, who and also too turns twenty-four today somewhere in WeHo.

Also, Happy Eid al-Fitr to the rest of all y’all.  This apparently has something to do with Muslims, and ending a month of fasting.  (As it is a slow news day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, We will permit you to chuckle over the fact that We mistyped that as “fisting” on the first go-round.)  What is up with all these crazy religions imagining that Gawd gives a shit what they do or do not eat?  Maybe it’s Us, but if We were (subjunctively) Gawd, We would have a lot more important things on Our mind than what the fuck some group of religious nimrods chose to eat or not eat today.  Questions like “could We make a rock so heavy that We couldn’t lift it?”, and “how do you KNOW the light in the refrigerator goes off when you close the door?”, and “who makes the best pizza in Souf Philly?”  would occupy much more of Our time than worrying about whether a bunch of crazed zealots in bad outfits had growling stomachs.  Jeebus.

In other news of vital importance to the realm, We did actually begin to write the script for Our Fringe show yesterday.   We are talking, of course, about  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for  which can be found here:   

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb  

Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!

(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)

Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.

And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar

This just in from The Onion: Winning Lottery Numbers So Obvious In Hindsight.   

                                                                                                    

And here is the HorrorScope:

We do not recall researching this before, although We may be wrong (We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken).  It turns out, TCBITWWW shares his birthday with Dustin Hoffman, whose claim to fame is, well, Being Dustin Hoffman (not to be confused with Being John Malkovich) , Esther Williams, whose claim to fame is turning down the Shelley Winters role in The Poseidon Adventure, and Donny Most, whose claim to fame is playing Ralph Malph on Happy Days.

Based on the preceding paragraph, you can just imagine how well Our script is coming along.

You have to take care of your health today (We are guessing you mean mental health?  No idea why…)

(What do We want?

A cure for Tourette’s!

When do We want it?

Cunt!)

(We love that joke.)

— there’s just no getting around it!  (Indeed. Our mental health is vast.  Kinda like the Grand Canyon.  Or Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure.)

See if you can get your friends to help you figure out a new routine so you don’t fall back into bad habits once again.  (Honey, if you see Us dressed as a nun, call for backup.)

If you are getting sick of doing the same thing every day, look in the mirror to find the solution. (Vampires don’t have reflections.  Or is that umpires?  No, umpires don’t have erections.  It’s something about the stripes…)

(Yeah, this fuckin’ script is gonna win a Pulitzer.)

It’s time for you to use some of your fabulous ingenuity. (Won’t there come a point where We use it all up?)

Brighten up your blah daily routine by coming up with a new avenue to explore.  (We are not quite understanding how We shall become a successful streetwalker when We cannot even GIVE it away…)

Take things where you want them to go today, whether anyone else is on board with your idea or not.  (There. Is No One. Else. Here.  Both of Our social plans for the week fell through, and We last saw people who are not total strangers at the murder mystery on Saturday.  We talk to Ourself.  A LOT.)

You don’t need other people’s permission to live your life.  (We are, however, desperate for their persimmons.)

Education is the easiest path to finding love. (Or that streetwalking thing.)

It’s time to decide which old skill needs sharpening (Wait….you mean it’s NOT like riding a bicycle?)

or settle on a topic you’ve been wanting to explore for a while. (How many angels can dance on the head of a penis?)

The brain is the biggest erogenous zone!  (Clearly, you’ve not seen the size of Our ass lately.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.