Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThursday, August 8st, 2013. Happy Birthday to Kevin, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Nicholas, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit for only the second time. In Reading. Where the Monopoly™ railroad is. And also too, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to TCBITWWW, who and also too turns twenty-four today somewhere in WeHo.
Also, Happy Eid al-Fitr to the rest of all y’all. This apparently has something to do with Muslims, and ending a month of fasting. (As it is a slow news day here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, We will permit you to chuckle over the fact that We mistyped that as “fisting” on the first go-round.) What is up with all these crazy religions imagining that Gawd gives a shit what they do or do not eat? Maybe it’s Us, but if We were (subjunctively) Gawd, We would have a lot more important things on Our mind than what the fuck some group of religious nimrods chose to eat or not eat today. Questions like “could We make a rock so heavy that We couldn’t lift it?”, and “how do you KNOW the light in the refrigerator goes off when you close the door?”, and “who makes the best pizza in Souf Philly?” would occupy much more of Our time than worrying about whether a bunch of crazed zealots in bad outfits had growling stomachs. Jeebus.
In other news of vital importance to the realm, We did actually begin to write the script for Our Fringe show yesterday. We are talking, of course, about LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for which can be found here:
Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!
(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)
Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.
And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar
This just in from The Onion: Winning Lottery Numbers So Obvious In Hindsight.
And here is the HorrorScope:
We do not recall researching this before, although We may be wrong (We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken). It turns out, TCBITWWW shares his birthday with Dustin Hoffman, whose claim to fame is, well, Being Dustin Hoffman (not to be confused with Being John Malkovich) , Esther Williams, whose claim to fame is turning down the Shelley Winters role in The Poseidon Adventure, and Donny Most, whose claim to fame is playing Ralph Malph on Happy Days.
Based on the preceding paragraph, you can just imagine how well Our script is coming along.
You have to take care of your health today (We are guessing you mean mental health? No idea why…)
(What do We want?
A cure for Tourette’s!
When do We want it?
(We love that joke.)
— there’s just no getting around it! (Indeed. Our mental health is vast. Kinda like the Grand Canyon. Or Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure.)
See if you can get your friends to help you figure out a new routine so you don’t fall back into bad habits once again. (Honey, if you see Us dressed as a nun, call for backup.)
If you are getting sick of doing the same thing every day, look in the mirror to find the solution. (Vampires don’t have reflections. Or is that umpires? No, umpires don’t have erections. It’s something about the stripes…)
(Yeah, this fuckin’ script is gonna win a Pulitzer.)
It’s time for you to use some of your fabulous ingenuity. (Won’t there come a point where We use it all up?)
Brighten up your blah daily routine by coming up with a new avenue to explore. (We are not quite understanding how We shall become a successful streetwalker when We cannot even GIVE it away…)
Take things where you want them to go today, whether anyone else is on board with your idea or not. (There. Is No One. Else. Here. Both of Our social plans for the week fell through, and We last saw people who are not total strangers at the murder mystery on Saturday. We talk to Ourself. A LOT.)
You don’t need other people’s permission to live your life. (We are, however, desperate for their persimmons.)
Education is the easiest path to finding love. (Or that streetwalking thing.)
It’s time to decide which old skill needs sharpening (Wait….you mean it’s NOT like riding a bicycle?)
or settle on a topic you’ve been wanting to explore for a while. (How many angels can dance on the head of a penis?)
The brain is the biggest erogenous zone! (Clearly, you’ve not seen the size of Our ass lately.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.