Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, August 20rd, 2013. Happy Birthday to Mark, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Ed, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Bon Voyage to The Lovely And Talented Mike Doh, who is now in the wilds of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, bringing culture to the hinterlands by appearing in an all-white-male adaptation of For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf. Being geographically challenged as We are, We had to Google Mapquest on Wikipedia to figger out where such a place even is. Turns out, Wisconsin is on Lake Michigan, which is, obviously, one of the many reasons why geography is annoying, and which begs the question, if they can have North and South Dakota, why can’t Michigan be East Michigan and Wisconsin be West Michigan?
Etymology being much more Our forte, We will happily point out to you that “Wisconsin” is an old Arapaho Indian word meaning “there’s an early frost on the fat girl”. “Milwaukee”, of course, is also an Arapaho word, meaning, “there are cheese curds in your beer”.
We are pausing here for a moment to reflect on the loveliness of a gentleman who once PLAYED an Arapaho Indian in a play We directed, and who now also lives somewhere geographically complexicated and named by Indians. Sigh.
We did not attend M. Doh’s going away party (you did all get that that was “M.” for “Monsieur”, not an abbreviation of “Mike”, right? If not, go back and read it again. We’ll wait.), as We determined, quite correctly, that We were Coming Down With Something, and did not feel that said Something was an appropriate going away present. As We are currently sitting here doing Our very best impression of Act Four of La Boheme: Mimi Dies Of Consumption, We would say We made the right call. (How Mimi manages to shriek out those appalling soprano high notes while dying of consumption is a subject for another screed. (On the other hand, since they have already filmed Rent, and since We don’t expect a La Boheme movie any time soon, We shall probably never be subjected to Anne Hathaway’s interpretation of Mimi.))
At any rate, if you are one of Our Wisconsonian readers, look for Mike Doh as The Lady In Chartreuse in For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enuf, coming soon to a wigwam near you. And, since you know We can never mention M. Doh (Monsieur, right?) without mentioning Our Own Personal M. Doh fillum, here it is for your viewing pleasure:
In other news of vital importance to the realm, We spent a great deal of Our time last week slaving and toiling over the script for Our Fringe show, which We are supposed to be finishing up here on Our death bed. (One wonders how One will work in all of that drivel One just spewed forth about Wisconsin and Arapahos.) We are talking, of course, about LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for which can be found here:
Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us up to the 70%- funded mark!
(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded, and We currently seem to be a little stalled.)
Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.
And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar
There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/ for your convenience in sharing on that platform.
And here is the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, Happy Birthday to Domo Arigato Demi Lovato. Also to Andrew Garfield. (“Domo Arigato Demi Lovato” is, of course, and old Arapaho Indian phrase meaning, “I would totally do Andrew Garfield, wouldn’t you?”)
You’re longing for something new (Also, something nude. Andrew Garfield would be fine, especially since Chord Overstreet isn’t returning Our calls.)
— so make it happen! (Take your passion! And make it happen! (Who the hell let Irene Cara in here?))
You should find that your energy is just right for jumping into new fields and shaking up your coworkers’ old preconceptions. (Those were both euphemisms, yes? (We’re not THAT sick.))
Just in the nick of time, (Nick who?)
a friend you haven’t seen in far too long will ride in and rescue you. (Hmmm…will he show Us his tattoos?)
They might not be royalty, (That’s okay…We’re a big enough queen for both of Us.)
and their steed may not be a white horse — or even a BMW. (Okay, “steed”? What’s THAT Arapaho for?)
But the sentiment will be the same, as will your happy reaction. (Never mind that…what about a happy ending?)
Oh, and if your social calendar is booked, (Okay, wait…”covered in cobwebs” and “booked” aren’t the same thing, right?)
better clear it right away. (We’ll get right on that.)
After all, how often does a fairy-tale ending even seem possible after the age of ten? (That’s one of those rhetorical questions, innit? (“Rhetorical” being, naturally, an Arapaho word meaning “stupid”.)
Someone unexpected plays Cupid for you today. (We have no idea how YOUR lives work, but if somebody shows up here carrying a bow and arrow and wearing a diaper, We would pretty much have to file that under “unexpected”.)
Before you stammer out a denial and tell them you’re okay with conducting your own love life, remember that love works in some really weird ways.
(We have absolutely no comeback for that.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.