Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here, coming to you remotely with A Very Special E-Pissode of Eric's!Daily!Horoscope!
Happy Birthday to Meron, who turns twenty-four today in New York. The New York that’s IN New York, that is. Also, Happy Birthday to Tony, who also turns twenty-four today, but only near the New York that’s in New York. (He is actually in Hackensack. (Or should that be, “He is ACKtually in HACKensACK.”? (Geography is hard.))) Also too, Happy Birthday to Scott, who turns twenty-four today in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Janelle, who may not be turning quite twenty-four today in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Starzina Starfish-Browne here, coming to you remotely with A Very Special E-Pissode of Eric's!Daily!Horoscope!
Happy Birthday to Meron, who turns twenty-four today in New York. The New York that’s IN New York, that is. Also, Happy Birthday to Tony, who also turns twenty-four today, but only near the New York that’s in New York. (He is actually in Hackensack. (Or should that be, “He is ACKtually in HACKensACK.”? (Geography is hard.))) Also too, Happy Birthday to Scott, who turns twenty-four today in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Janelle, who may not be turning quite twenty-four today in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
In other news of vital importance to the realm, We are hard at work, shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, nipples to the wind, and titz akimbo, writing the script for Our Fringe show . We are talking, of course, about LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for which can be found here:
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/635878991/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeb
Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!
(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)
Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.
And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar
As We are so hard (ahem) at work, today's e-pissode is an encore presentation from approximately a year ago:
Do-do-do-do can't wait to get a mouth full of
WAFFLES!
Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, August 24,
2012. Happy National Waffle Day, everyone! Seriously. How
exciting izzat? On this day in 1869, Cornelius Swartwout patented the
first waffle iron. Later that day, Helen Keller read it, and comedy was
born.
We really are a very
funny person once you get to know Us.
Speaking of famous
people and breakfast foods, on the heels (not that We’re wearing heels at
this hour…bunny slippers, Sweetie Darling) of yesterday’s discussion of hit
counts, We note that The One Where We Have A Picture Of Prince William In A
Speedo™ (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/06/hes-very-nice-prince.html
) is on the verge of eclipsing The One Where We Have A Recent Picture Of
Charlene Tilton (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-could-have-spread-my-legs-and-eaten.html
). Ahead of these by a small margin is The One Where The Picture Is
Nothing Special But We Use The Phrase “Justin Bieber’s Penis” (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2012/04/chillin-by-fire-while-we-eatin-fondue.html
. And still inexplicably leading the pack, by a factor of over four-fold,
is The One With The Picture Of The Grotesquely Fat Man (http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2011/11/madness-takes-its-tollplease-have-exact.html
), which people actually search for with such phrases as “grotesquely fat
man”. Does this make any sense to you? Because it makes no sense to
Us. We would much rather look at Prince William’s Speedo™, or present-day
Charlene Tilton, or even Justin Bieber’s penis (which, you will recall, We’ve
already seen, which see Us seeing same:
)
than look at a
near-naked grotesquely fat man, but different strokes for different stroke
victims.
Whatevs.
Clearly, We’ve strayed
wide of Our original point, which was Cornelius Swartwout and Helen Keller
reading the waffle iron. Also, you will note that, in that entire
desperate attention–seeking paragraph about hit counts, not once did We stoop
to using the phrase “Prince Harry naked”. (Ooops. (Although, now that We HAVE
used it, We wonder if We’d do better to use “Prince Harry’s penis”?))
Uneasy lies the head
that wears the crown. Which, of course, in the case of Prince Harry’s
penis, leads to a rather ribald French tickler joke. Lettuce all pause
here while Helen Keller reads THAT.
We may actually be
funnier than We had first suspected. Although We WERE hugged by a
stand-up comic last night, so it’s possible that some of it just rubbed
off. (Did that sound dirty to you? Because it sounded dirty to Us,
and We were there when it happened.)
In other news, there
is a brand spanking (oooooohhh!!!) new Starzina’s Time of the Month
Horoscope video, which is above for your viewing pleasure. And here is
the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/wdOHgajc7hY
Here is last year’s
Virgo, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning
horoscope:
Here’s the
HorrorScope:
It is Rupert Grint’s
birthday today. Rupert Grint is a Virgo. Daniel Radcliffe? Is
a Leo. Like your scrotum there it is in a nutshell.
Your emotional side is
somewhat exposed today, (Suddenly, We feel just like Sharon Stone in Basic
Instinct.)
so see if you can get
yourself back into a safer space. (Does the absence of panties make Our FUPA
look fat?)
(Okay, all together
now: eeeeuuuuwwww!!!!)
It’s a really good
time for you to get back in touch with feelings you thought were long gone.
(Hey, We rubbed one out on a stand-up comedian. There’s yer Fringe
festival right there!)
You always have
time to learn new things, so even if your day is jam-packed, (Or
fudge-packed.)
you should reserve at
least a minute or two to go exploring! (What about spelunking? Nobody
ever goes spelunking any more.)
Check out that new
store at the mall, go for a drive in a different part of town, or pick up a
book about something or someone you’ve never heard of before. (Just don’t
accidentally pick up a waffle iron instead.)
Someone will want you
to take off with them on a new adventure that sounds like fun. (Oddly enough,
We are fairly certain that “sounds like fun” and “actually IS fun” are not
necessarily always the same thing.)
If you think you can squeeze
it into your day, you definitely should! (Give Us some Spanx™, some
Crisco™, and a crowbar, and We’ll squeeze just about anything into just about
anywhere.)
(Hi, Prince Harry…is
that a breakfast bar in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?)
Watch out for that
self-fulfilling prophecy — it’s a killer. (Indeed so. Because, not having
learned her lesson with the waffle iron, you can’t imagine what Helen Keller
mistook for a Ouija board.)
If you let the
negativity creep in, it’ll turn into self-esteem cancer. (No, it won’t.)
(Heh. See what
We did there?)
Don’t let one or two
bad days on the dating circuit ruin your whole outlook on life.
(Wait…there’s a circuit? Somebody get Us an extension cord…)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t
think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they
say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.
Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel
better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your
very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of
planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
I love your first picture. I'm sending that to a friend of mine who was telling me she's not calling back one of her last dates. LOL!
ReplyDeleteI may have to start posting audition notices...
ReplyDelete