Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, August 09st , 2013. Happy Birthday to Dylan, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Tennessee. Of course, if you were (subjunctively) looking at his picture, you would realize that he is actually somewhere around Elevennessee. Just sayin’.
Heh. We said “junk”.
Are We going too fast for you?
Happy Birthday also too to Maribeth, who turns twenty-four today Somewhere In New York That Is Not New York, New York. And also too, Happy Birthday to Mary Jo, who and also too turns twenty-four today Somewhere In Altoona That Is Not Altoona, Altoona.
That doesn’t work as well with Altoona as it does with New York, does it? Although We are thinking that “Altoona, Altoona” would make a better song. Because what the hell rhymes with “New York”?
Don’t mind Us. We are distracted by today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus No Muss Fuss Leave The Driving To Us, which comes (heh) to Us courtesy of the aforementioned Dylan. It is, of course, entitled “Dicktater”. (It is subtitled “Spuds and Puds”.)
We kill Us.
Speaking of Leaving The Driving To Us, there is no one here to fly the plane, because Karen Black died.
We are off to do the murder mystery this evening for what looks to be Our teeniest tiniest house yet (unless of course they cancel it on Us…that has happened once so far). On the plus side, if We do do it (heh…We said “doo-doo”), We shall have Guests in the audience for the second week in a row.
We were about to launch upon a screed, but it has been averted. Lucky, lucky you.
In other news of vital importance to the realm, We did actually begin to write the script for Our Fringe show the other day. We are talking, of course, about LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , the Kickstarter fundraiser for which can be found here:
Thanks to all of Our investors so far, whose generosity has pushed Us over the 50%- funded mark!
(Please do NOT let this fact deter you from helping out…We only get the funds if We become 100% funded.)
Another way to help out (and thanks to the many of you who have already done this) is to share the project with your SitOnMyFaceBook friends.
And, of course, they also help who show the hell up, so here is where tickets can be obtained: http://fringearts.ticketleap.com/looking-for-uranus-starzina-starfish-brownes-comeback-tour/#view=calendar
And here is the HorrorScope:
Really, celebrity birthday site? It is Ian Ziering’s ex-wife’s birthday? What exactly about that news is supposed to make Us NOT want to go right back to bed?
Service is all-important today — but you’re on the delivery side this time! (Is that, like, a metaphor or something?)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
Help those who need it most and see if you can get your customers to tell you what they really want. (It’s a murder mystery. With dinner. They want cocktails. Duh.)
You’ll enjoy a surge of power today, (Good thing We’re wearing this surge protector. (And YOU thought We looked stupid.))
which could cause some problems with one of your relationships — this person thought they were the one in charge, and it’s going to be a bit painful for them to face reality, today. (See earlier: screed, averted.)
(You have, of course, no idea what We’re talking about. Which is fine, as neither do We.)
Handle this potentially tense situation by anticipating their objections. (Or confuse them, and object to their anticipations.)
They are going through a bit of paranoia, and it’s wisest for you not to play into it. (It isn’t paranoia if they actually ARE all out to get you.)
So don’t rush to defend yourself about what they’re saying. (But…but…)
(That was an existential joke. Wait for it….THERE ya go.)
They will come around eventually. (Around what?)
Your powers of discrimination are peaking (Are you sure you mean “peaking”, and not “peeking”? Or “piquing”? (Or “Peking”? Like the duck?))
(“Like the duck”…Are We funny or what? (Who said, “Or what”?))
— so take some time for a little shopping, both for material goods and for potential suitors. (Wait…We can BUY suitors now???)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.