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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Operator? Information. Get me Jesus on the line.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  WinesDay, August 28st, 2013.

Happy Birthday to Johnny, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Johnny is the third of Our Three Sons in the murder mystery.  (We say “third” only because he was the third of them that We met/worked with; We certainly love all of Our Three Sons equally, and we do not discriminate amongst them and their skinny jeans.)

It occurs to Us that We have waxed rhapsodic on the subject of Our Three Sons before (complete with an arcane Fred MacMurray reference), so, lest We repetitively and reiteratively repeat Ourself, We shall simply refer you to said rhapsodic waxation here:

Oh, and Happy Hump Day to the rest of all y’all. (We don’t suppose there’s any chance anybody would trundle over in mid-monsoon for a little hump?  (What hump?  (Oh, look: just Our luck, Marty Feldman is here. (Which is especially charming, as he’s been dead since 1982.))))

There is less than a day left on the KickStarter for Our Fringe show,  LOOKING FOR URANUS:  Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour , which can be found here:   

…so if you had planned to contribute, but haven’t yet, now is the time.  As of tomorrow, We shall shut up about it (except for thanking people profusely) and start exhorting (ooooohhhhh!!!!) you to buy tickets:

There is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here: for your convenience in sharing on that platform.

Our script, meanwhile, awaits finishing touches.  Also, an ending.  So We really need to hurry this along.

And here is the HorrorScope:

Well, never mind Leo Tolstoy and Johann von Goethe; move over, Jason Priestley and Emma Samms…it is Honey Boo Boo’s birthday!  Dear Lord Jeebus.

Communication needs to be short and sweet today — so make sure that you’re quick and to the point. (K.)

That can be easy in person, but make sure your writing is cut back as much as possible.  (Oh, great.  Way to inspire those finishing touches and that ending.  AssHat.)

You’ll be seeking injustice today, because you know what it feels like to be treated unfairly. (Get a fucking proofreader.  Jeebus.)

This compassion will force you to butt into a situation you feel isn’t right. (Have you SEEN Our butt lately?  Honey, if We “butt in” to a situation, that pretty much guarantees the end of the situation, its participants, and most of the innocent bystanders. K?)

Friends will admire your principled ways and call you a hero when you stop a silly situation from rapidly growing into a heated argument. (Being An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really: who wants to know?), We are now wondering what differentiates a heated argument from a reheated argument, or a preheated argument?)

(It isn’t easy being Us.  Or green.  One of those.)

Though you strive to avoid conflict, you simply can’t ignore this one.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

Besides, it feels good to fight for the little guy.  (Especially if he is wearing skinny jeans.  And carrying a big stick.)

You’ve got the number (69?)

— now make the call! (Order before midnight tonight and receive a free set of Ginsu steak knives.!  For all that Ginsu steak you eat!  You fucking pig!)

(Micro$oft Weird™ has put a green squiggly line under “You fucking” in the preceding sentence, meaning that it believes something is amiss with the grammar therein.  As improvements to said grammar, it offers the suggestions “You fuck”, “You are fucking”, and “You were fucking”.  Thanks, Micro$oft Weird™.  You fuck.)

Consider what you want to say for no longer than one minute and then pick up that phone. (Hey, this script business would go a lot faster if We could dick-tate it to somebody over the phone…any takers?)

 If you’re feeling oddly shy, (Oh, We are.  Demure, even.)

an email can get your message across. (Oh, please.  We actually mailed a LETTER the other day.  We sure hope it’s gotten there by now.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.