Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne
here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, August 28st, 2013.
Happy
Birthday to Johnny, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of
Brotherly Love Handles. Johnny is the third
of Our Three Sons in the murder mystery.
(We say “third” only because he was the third of them that We met/worked
with; We certainly love all of Our Three Sons equally, and we do not discriminate
amongst them and their skinny jeans.)
It
occurs to Us that We have waxed rhapsodic on the subject of Our Three Sons
before (complete with an arcane Fred MacMurray reference), so, lest We
repetitively and reiteratively repeat Ourself, We shall simply refer you to
said rhapsodic waxation here: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/07/we-are-si-mese-if-you-prease.html
Oh,
and Happy Hump Day to the rest of all y’all. (We don’t suppose there’s any
chance anybody would trundle over in mid-monsoon for a little hump? (What hump?
(Oh, look: just Our luck, Marty Feldman is here. (Which is especially
charming, as he’s been dead since 1982.))))
There is less than a day left on the
KickStarter for Our Fringe show, LOOKING
FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s
Comeback Tour , which can be found here:
…so if you had planned to contribute, but haven’t yet,
now is the time. As of tomorrow, We
shall shut up about it (except for thanking people profusely) and start
exhorting (ooooohhhhh!!!!) you to buy tickets:
There
is also a SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
https://www.facebook.com/events/706806152678843/
for your convenience in sharing on that platform.
Our
script, meanwhile, awaits finishing touches.
Also, an ending. So We really
need to hurry this along.
And
here is the HorrorScope:
Well,
never mind Leo Tolstoy and Johann von Goethe; move over, Jason Priestley and
Emma Samms…it is Honey Boo Boo’s birthday!
Dear Lord Jeebus.
Communication
needs to be short and sweet today — so make sure that you’re quick and to the
point. (K.)
That
can be easy in person, but make sure your writing is cut back as much as
possible. (Oh, great. Way to inspire those finishing touches and
that ending. AssHat.)
You’ll
be seeking injustice today, because you know what it feels like to be treated
unfairly. (Get a fucking proofreader.
Jeebus.)
This
compassion will force you to butt into a situation you feel isn’t right. (Have
you SEEN Our butt lately? Honey, if We “butt
in” to a situation, that pretty much guarantees the end of the situation, its
participants, and most of the innocent bystanders. K?)
Friends
will admire your principled ways and call you a hero when you stop a silly
situation from rapidly growing into a heated argument. (Being An Inquiring Mind
Who Wants To Know (no, really: who wants to know?), We are now wondering what
differentiates a heated argument from a reheated argument, or a preheated
argument?)
(It
isn’t easy being Us. Or green. One of those.)
Though
you strive to avoid conflict, you simply can’t ignore this one. (Sorry…did you say something?)
Besides,
it feels good to fight for the little guy.
(Especially if he is wearing skinny jeans. And carrying a big stick.)
You’ve
got the number (69?)
—
now make the call! (Order before midnight tonight and receive a free set of
Ginsu steak knives.! For all that Ginsu
steak you eat! You fucking pig!)
(Micro$oft
Weird™ has put a green squiggly line under “You fucking” in the preceding
sentence, meaning that it believes something is amiss with the grammar therein. As improvements to said grammar, it offers the
suggestions “You fuck”, “You are fucking”, and “You were fucking”. Thanks, Micro$oft Weird™. You fuck.)
Consider
what you want to say for no longer than one minute and then pick up that phone.
(Hey, this script business would go a lot faster if We could dick-tate it to
somebody over the phone…any takers?)
If you’re feeling oddly shy, (Oh, We are. Demure, even.)
an
email can get your message across. (Oh, please.
We actually mailed a LETTER the other day. We sure hope it’s gotten there by now.)
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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