Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, July 12rd, 2013. Happy Birthday to Kathleen, who turns twenty-four today right here in the suburbs of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also Happy Birthday too to Michael, who also too turns twenty-four today, also too somewhere here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Happy Birthday additionally also too to Steve (did she say “tutu”?), who additionally also too turns twenty-four today, albeit somewhere in Chicago. (Notice how We cleverly drew attention away from the absence of a Chicago joke by including “albeit” and “tutu” in the same sentence. (We are a Highly-Trained Professional…do NOT attempt this at home. (However, if you place a dot in the middle of each “O” in this paragraph, and connect them with a pencil, you will reveal a picture of Catherine Zeta-Jones singing “All That Jazz” while riding Mrs. O’Leary’s cow.)))
Didja know that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?
Didja also know that, if you say “gullible” reeeeeeeaaaaaallllyyyyy slowly, it sounds just like “orange”?
We have precious little to report today. We are off this evening to do Our murder mystery, where We shall be working with the third of Our three sons. All We know is, the unseen father of these boys must have some serious genes, because these boys can seriously wear them some jeans. Just sayin’. We are thinking of writing a spinoff of the murder mystery, in which We remake My Three Sons. Because Fred MacMurray ain’t got nothin’ on Us. Except in this version, the boys and We run a clothing-optional tropical resort, and Uncle Charlie is---
Ooops…was that all in The Outside Voice?
Hit Us up if you would like to come see Our murder mystery. Summer being a slow time in murder mystery dinner theatre world (go figger), We may even be able to get you discount tickets. Plus, you will get to see Our Three Sons. In Their Jeans. Of course, the fatal flaw of this show is that, at any given performance, We only have one son at a time. We shall solve that problem with Our next murder mystery script, in which the boys shall play extremely suspicious Siamese triplets. At a nudist colony.
In other news, you will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show. Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour. How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone? You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out. We HAVE, however, written the script for the KickStarter video to assist in the financing of said show, coming soon to a computer near you.
In other other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc. Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends. Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
Happy Richard Simmons’s Birthday, everybody!
This is a bad time to rush through work (What, you want We should still be doing this murder mystery at midnight? Screw that noise! The faster We talk, the sooner We drink.)
— it’s too easy to make big mistakes that way! (Like it wasn’t already a big enough mistake that We let people know that We know who Fred MacMurray was.)
You need to take everything one step at a time (Also, one DAY at a time. (Because We also know who Bonnie Franklin was.))
and make sure that you get it all right the first time. (Oh, well, fine. If all We have to be is PERFECT.)
Embrace the little fires that might be erupting throughout your day, today! (Yeah. Because THAT sounds like a good idea.)
Sure, they could cause you a few headaches, (But those will pale by comparison to the lovely third-degree burns.)
but they also provide some action that’s been missing in your life. (Okay, this horoscope is seriously starting to depress Us. Shut. Up. Kelli.)
It’s been a long time since you’ve been really challenged, (Oh, We are so very challenged…you have no idea.)
and you could really use the physical exercise that the day might require. (No, thank you.)
Your blood will be pumping and your brain will be clicking. (“Clicking”, you say? Should We seek medical attention?)
You take care of your possessions and finances, (Our who?)
and you should maintain your love life in the same way. (Or get three sons to do it for you.)
Make sure to do everything possible to keep your mind, body and soul in great shape! (Jeebus Cripes, did they let Richard Simmons guest-write this for his birthday, or what?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.