Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, July 12rd,
2013. Happy Birthday to Kathleen, who
turns twenty-four today right here in the suburbs of The City That Loves You
(On Your) Back. Also Happy Birthday too
to Michael, who also too turns twenty-four today, also too somewhere here in
The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Happy Birthday additionally also too to Steve
(did she say “tutu”?), who additionally also too turns twenty-four today, albeit
somewhere in Chicago. (Notice how We
cleverly drew attention away from the absence of a Chicago joke by including “albeit”
and “tutu” in the same sentence. (We are
a Highly-Trained Professional…do NOT attempt this at home. (However, if you
place a dot in the middle of each “O” in this paragraph, and connect them with
a pencil, you will reveal a picture of Catherine Zeta-Jones singing “All That Jazz” while riding Mrs. O’Leary’s
cow.)))
Didja
know that “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?
Didja
also know that, if you say “gullible” reeeeeeeaaaaaallllyyyyy slowly, it sounds
just like “orange”?
We
have precious little to report today. We
are off this evening to do Our murder mystery, where We shall be working with
the third of Our three sons. All We know
is, the unseen father of these boys must have some serious genes, because these
boys can seriously wear them some jeans.
Just sayin’. We are thinking of
writing a spinoff of the murder mystery, in which We remake My Three Sons. Because Fred MacMurray
ain’t got nothin’ on Us. Except in this
version, the boys and We run a clothing-optional tropical resort, and Uncle
Charlie is---
Ooops…was
that all in The Outside Voice?
Hit
Us up if you would like to come see Our murder mystery. Summer being a slow time in murder mystery
dinner theatre world (go figger), We may even be able to get you discount
tickets. Plus, you will get to see Our Three Sons. In Their Jeans. Of course, the fatal flaw of this show is
that, at any given performance, We only have one son at a time. We shall solve that problem with Our next
murder mystery script, in which the boys shall play extremely suspicious
Siamese triplets. At a nudist colony.
In
other news, you will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing
Our Fringe show. Although it DOES have a
title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour. How, you may well ask, can We come
back, when We’ve never been gone? You’ll
have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out. We HAVE, however, written the script for the
KickStarter video to assist in the financing of said show, coming soon to a
computer near you.
In
other other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER
2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh,
relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment
in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.
Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said
video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and
email it to your friends. Or put it on
their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they
are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
Happy Richard Simmons’s Birthday, everybody!
This is a bad time to rush through work (What, you want We should still be doing this
murder mystery at midnight? Screw that
noise! The faster We talk, the sooner We
drink.)
— it’s too easy to make big mistakes that way! (Like it wasn’t already a big enough mistake
that We let people know that We know who Fred MacMurray was.)
You need to take everything one step at a time (Also, one
DAY at a time. (Because We also know who Bonnie Franklin was.))
and make sure that you get it all right the first time. (Oh,
well, fine. If all We have to be is
PERFECT.)
Embrace the little
fires that might be erupting throughout your day, today! (Yeah.
Because THAT sounds like a good idea.)
Sure, they could cause you a few headaches, (But those will pale by comparison to the
lovely third-degree burns.)
but they also provide some action that’s been missing in
your life. (Okay, this horoscope is seriously starting to depress Us. Shut. Up. Kelli.)
It’s been a long time since you’ve been really
challenged, (Oh, We are so very challenged…you
have no idea.)
and you could really use the physical exercise that the
day might require. (No, thank you.)
Your blood will be pumping and your brain will be
clicking. (“Clicking”, you say? Should We seek medical attention?)
You take care of your possessions and finances, (Our
who?)
and you should maintain your love life in the same way. (Or get three sons to do it for you.)
Make sure to do everything possible to keep your mind,
body and soul in great shape! (Jeebus
Cripes, did they let Richard Simmons guest-write this for his birthday, or
what?)
In
gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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