I’m an ordinary woman, with feelings; I’d like a man to nibble on my rear…

Wow, that Annie had some risqué lyrics, no?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  WinesDay, July 24^nd , 2013.  Happy Birthday to Kim, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City of Brotherly Love Handles.  Can you believe We’re in Leo already?

Neither can he.

Ba-DUMP-bump.  (Schtick around for da jokes.)

So One Direction’s “Best Song Ever” may not actually BE the best song ever, but it sure does get stuck in your head, dunnit? Oh, sure, it’s no “Hennery the Eighth I Am”…(Second verse, same as the first…

I am Hennery the Eighth, I am

Hennery the Eighth, I am, I am

I got married to the widow next door

She’d been married seven times before.

And every one was a Hennery (Hennery)

There never was a Willy or a Sam (No Sam)

I’m her eighth old man, I’m Hennery

Hennery the Eighth, I am, I am

Hennery the Eighth, I am…

…Oh, is THAT stuck in your head now?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Is anyone else wondering about this poor widow next door who somehow managed to marry seven men without willies?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.

And thus We have, once again, brilliantly demonstrated Our ability to conjure up somethingness out of nothingness, which should stand Us in good stead if and when We ever sit down to write Our as-yet nonexistent Fringe show.

And here is the HorrorScope:

In case you missed it, it’s Amelia Earhart’s birthday.  (Heh.  See what We did there?)  Also Ruth Buzzi’s.  And, speaking of British boy bands and Harry-Styles-wannabes, someone called Jay McGuiness from The Wanted is not-quite-twenty-four today.

Try to make a play today  (Mmm-hmm.  Because all the best plays were written in one day.  Just ask Will-I-Am Shakespeare.  He wrote (oh, who DIDN’T see this coming?) Hennery the Eighth I Am. ”…(Second verse, same as the first…

I am Hennery the Eighth, I am

Hennery the Eighth, I am, I am

I got married to the widow next door

She’d been married seven times before.

And every one was a Hennery (Hennery)

There never was a Willy or a Sam (No Sam)

I’m her eighth old man, I’m Hennery

Hennery the Eighth, I am, I am

Hennery the Eighth, I am…)

(YouPeople are so easy!)

— your goals are that much closer to completion!  (As We mentioned recently, from now on, when We see the word “goal”, We are mentally replacing it with “koala”.  So We are damn near ecstatic that Our koalas are closer to completion.  Whatever the fuck THAT means.)

Things should keep moving your way, (Why does that sound suspiciously like a threat?)

but you have to contribute some energy to really make it happen. (Oh, sure.  Stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.)

Go for it!  (What is this “it” of which you speak?)

Ever been on the verge of finishing a jigsaw puzzle only to discover the last piece has gone missing?  (Yeah.  ‘Cause that’s what We do here, is sit around doing jigsaw puzzles.  But only when We get too tired of macramé.)

And remember how frustrating it feels to not find it after hours of searching, (Why, yes.  Yes, We DO remember how frustrating it feels.)

only to discover it a day later hiding under the sofa’s dust ruffle?  (What the hell kind of gay fag homosexual sofa has a goddamn DUST RUFFLE?)

A small but possibly life-changing piece of your own personal puzzle will fall into place, but only when you’re not hunting for it. (Is a personal puzzle like a personal pan pizza? (Actually, they are ALL personal pan pizzas if you do it right.)  And can you keep a personal pan pizza in your purse?)

(On a related note, remember when Human Resources used to be called “Personnel”? That was before they realized that you can’t spell “Who cares?” without HR.)

Don’t try and force this; it’ll happen quite nicely on its own.  (You’ve already insinuated that you think We’re the sort of person whose sofa has a dusty ruffle; how forceful do you think We’re gonna be?)

You’re driven by ambition, as you are so often, but romance demands a lighter touch.   (Show Us on the doll where the lighter touched you.)

(That didn’t really make any sense, did it?)

Save the bold moves for the working world or traffic, and let that personal situation evolve at its own pace.  (That sentence?  Needs more P words.  Just sayin’.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.