Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMarsAttacks!Monday, July 8rd, 2013. Happy Birthday to Connie, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Krystal who also turns twenty-four today, except in Dallas. Texas. Where JR used to live. Also, Happy Birthday also to Renee, who also turns twenty-four today also, somewhere in suburbia, and also too Happy Birthday to Joe, who also too turns twenty-four today, somewhere in town.
Happy Belated Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Tracie, who turned twenty-four this past weekend somewhere in Central Pennsylvania. Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Ty, who turned twenty-four this past weekend somewhere in Greater Bostonia. And Happy Belated Birthday to ShaunWhoHasFourFirstNames, who turned twenty-four this past weekend somewhere in New Jersey, in TheHouseThatShaunWhoHasFourFirstNamesBuilt.
Okay, that’s enough goddamn geography for one morning.
Speaking of non sequiturs (see what We did there?), there’s an old saying that says, “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” Here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, We like to say instead, “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody goes outside with an armadillo shoved up his ass, douses himself in kerosene, and immolates himself as a sacrifice to Thor about it.” Because We’re poetical like that.
Speaking of poeticality, We really need to shake a tailfeather and get snap-crackle-popping on Our Fringe show script. (Although, if We’re saying things like “shake a tailfeather” and “snap-crackle-popping”, perhaps We should lie down for a while first.)
In other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc. Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends. Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
Just when you thought today couldn’t get any more special, it is Kevin Bacon’s birthday! For those of you who enjoy the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game, We Our Own Self Personally have a Bacon Number of 1. Because We once ate bacon while watching a movie. So there’s that.
Oh, get your minds out of the gutter.
Listen to your gut today (Borborygmy…it’s what’s for breakfast.)
(That may be the classiest quasi-fart joke We’ve ever told. You’re welcome.)
— it’s sending strong signals, but they’re too easily lost in the chatter all around you, especially at home. (We are all alone here. But We still do everything the voices tell Us to do.)
Find some time to spend on your own (Clearly, We’ve nailed THAT.)
so you can really tune in. (Sorry…did you say something?)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
You can’t do it all today, (Also, you can’t take it with you, you can’t handle the truth, and you can’t take it with you. (We’ll take “What is Kevin Bacon’s penis?” for $500, Alex.))
(We’re gonna pause here so you can re-read that last bit, and realize how so very much more than a dick joke it is. You’re welcome.)
(More than a dick joke…more than a dick joke to me-ee-ee…)
(Brightening up your morning with a little BeeGees there.)
which is a fact that will become dramatically apparent almost as soon as you get started this morning. (The Addams Family started when Uncle Fester farted…)
(Can there BE too many fart jokes? We don’t think so.)
But instead of feeling frustrated, start paring off a few tasks — and adjust your expectations. (Which weren’t great to begin with.)
(Okay, see, now, that there was all litter-hairy, and cultural, and classy. Nobody farts in Dickens.)
Despite the current rumors, you are not a superhero! (Indeed. ‘Cause ain’t nobody got time for Our fat ass crammed into a leotard.)
It’s much better to do less (We may already be a winner!)
and succeed often (Ooops…We spoke too soon.)
than it is to always aim for the stars and continually fall short of them. (Indeed. That’s how restraining orders happen.)
Climbing a smaller mountain is still climbing a mountain. (But choking a smaller chicken isn’t NEARLY as much fun.)
(Kevin Bacon’s penis.)
A cheesy movie or a nice long workout (Bite your damn tongue.)
could be better for you today than trying to meet new people. (And certainly better than meeting old people.)
Your deep feelings are sure to come out in one way or another, so let them. (That was another fart joke, wasn’t it? Well, WASN’T IT???)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.