Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMarsAttacks!Monday,
July 8rd, 2013. Happy Birthday to
Connie, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love
Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Krystal
who also turns twenty-four today, except in Dallas. Texas.
Where JR used to live. Also,
Happy Birthday also to Renee, who also turns twenty-four today also, somewhere
in suburbia, and also too Happy Birthday to Joe, who also too turns twenty-four
today, somewhere in town.
Happy
Belated Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Tracie, who turned twenty-four this past
weekend somewhere in Central Pennsylvania.
Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Ty, who turned twenty-four this past
weekend somewhere in Greater Bostonia.
And Happy Belated Birthday to ShaunWhoHasFourFirstNames, who turned
twenty-four this past weekend somewhere in New Jersey, in TheHouseThatShaunWhoHasFourFirstNamesBuilt.
Okay,
that’s enough goddamn geography for one morning.
Speaking
of non sequiturs (see what We did there?), there’s an old saying that says, “Everybody
talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” Here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, We like to
say instead, “Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody goes outside with
an armadillo shoved up his ass, douses himself in kerosene, and immolates
himself as a sacrifice to Thor about it.”
Because We’re poetical like that.
Speaking
of poeticality, We really need to shake a tailfeather and get snap-crackle-popping
on Our Fringe show script. (Although, if
We’re saying things like “shake a tailfeather” and “snap-crackle-popping”, perhaps
We should lie down for a while first.)
In
other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER
2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax;
We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a
(so far) four e-pissode story arc.
Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said
video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and
email it to your friends. Or put it on
their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they
are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
Just when you thought today couldn’t get any more
special, it is Kevin Bacon’s birthday!
For those of you who enjoy the Six
Degrees of Kevin Bacon game, We Our Own Self Personally have a Bacon Number
of 1. Because We once ate bacon while
watching a movie. So there’s that.
Oh, get your minds out of the gutter.
Listen to your gut today (Borborygmy…it’s what’s for breakfast.)
(That may be the classiest quasi-fart joke We’ve ever
told. You’re welcome.)
— it’s sending strong signals, but they’re too easily
lost in the chatter all around you, especially at home. (We are all alone here. But We still do everything the voices tell Us
to do.)
Find some time to spend on your own (Clearly, We’ve
nailed THAT.)
so you can really tune in. (Sorry…did you say something?)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
You can’t do it all today, (Also, you can’t take it with
you, you can’t handle the truth, and you can’t take it with you. (We’ll take “What is Kevin Bacon’s penis?” for
$500, Alex.))
(We’re gonna pause here so you can re-read that last bit,
and realize how so very much more than a dick joke it is. You’re welcome.)
(More than a dick joke…more than a dick joke to me-ee-ee…)
(Brightening up your morning with a little BeeGees there.)
which is a fact
that will become dramatically apparent almost as soon as you get started this
morning. (The Addams Family started when
Uncle Fester farted…)
(Can there BE too many fart jokes? We don’t think so.)
But instead of feeling frustrated, start paring off a few
tasks — and adjust your expectations. (Which weren’t great to begin with.)
(Okay, see, now, that there was all litter-hairy, and
cultural, and classy. Nobody farts in
Dickens.)
Despite the current rumors, you are not a superhero! (Indeed.
‘Cause ain’t nobody got time for Our fat ass crammed into a leotard.)
It’s much better to do less (We may already be a winner!)
and succeed often (Ooops…We spoke too soon.)
than it is to always aim for the stars and continually
fall short of them. (Indeed. That’s how restraining orders happen.)
Climbing a smaller mountain is still climbing a
mountain. (But choking a smaller
chicken isn’t NEARLY as much fun.)
(Kevin Bacon’s penis.)
(WHAT?)
A cheesy movie or a nice long workout (Bite your damn
tongue.)
could be better
for you today than trying to meet new people. (And certainly better than meeting old
people.)
Your deep feelings are sure to come out in one way or
another, so let them. (That was another
fart joke, wasn’t it? Well, WASN’T
IT???)
In
gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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