Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManJackMonday, July 15st, 2013. Happy Birthday to Jonathan, who turns twenty-four today right here in the suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. (It occurs to Us that, for Our purposes, the suburbs of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles might well be referred to as The Love Handles of The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Because We’re a punster like that.)
Also, Happy Belated Birthdays to Ankit, Jeff, Leslie, Matt, Mike, and Michael, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend, somewhere or another. Michael, we shall celebrate soon. Leslie, We hope to see you in September.
Before We begin in earnest (whoever he may be (although We hear he is of some importance (kiss Us quick, We’re Oscar Wilde))), Dominick The Italian Christmas Donkey would like Us all to know that there are only 162 days till Christmas. You’re welcome. Also, hee-haw!
Lawd-a-mercy, We just opened the front door to get the mail…it’s a wee tad warm out there. Additionally, We have the HAWTTEST mailman in the history of HAWTTNESS-WITH-TWO-Ts, especially when he’s all sweaty-like. We may have to go lie down. And lick a stamp.
(Much as One no longer dials the phone, One also no longer licks stamps. That sort of disappeared without One noticing. Not that One misses it, of course.)
In other news, We had a dream this weekend in which We were watching a made-for-TV movie. We don’t remember too much about it, except that it was starring Michelle Lee. That hardly seems worth the effort of dreaming about, when One could certainly just turn on One’s television and flip channels until One came across a made-for-TV movie starring Michelle Lee. Or someone like Michelle Lee. Although, come to think of it, there really isn’t anyone LIKE Michelle Lee.
Wow. That was deep.
Everybody doesn’t like SOMEthing, but nobody doesn’t like Michelle Lee.
In other other news, We are very upset by the passing of Cory Monteith. When We get a free moment, We may have to go watch the very first-ever episode of Glee. The one where he’s singing in the shower. We may have to lick another stamp.
In other other other news, you will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show. Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour. How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone? You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out. We HAVE, however, filmed a KickStarter video to assist in the financing of said show, coming soon to a computer near you.
In other other other other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc. Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff. This past weekend, We filmed the next e-pissode, the fifth installment of Our story arc. Try not to expire from the anticipation.
We would like you to take this link to said video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends. Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
Okay, Brian Austin Green, the youngest cast member of the original Beverly Hills 90210? Is FORTY. Put THAT in your Peach Pit and smoke it.
It’s time to put an end to any selfish thoughts or desires (The hell you say!)
— or at least to put a hold on them. (Maybe it’s just Us, but We are thinking that, if you are able to put a hold on your selfish desires, maybe you’re just not good enough at being selfish. Try harder.)
Your social energy is more valuable right now, (And what are Our social diseases worth?)
and you can get more out of helping others than from helping yourself. (Especially if the others We’re helping were helping Us to begin with.)
Just like peanut butter and jelly or Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, (Alternatively, like Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, COVERED in peanut butter and jelly. And licking stamps.)
(Is it just Us, or does “licking stamps” get dirtier every time We say it?)
(Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
you and your best friend make an excellent combination right now! (Yes, but why do WE always have to be the one doing everything backwards and in high heels?)
The two of you generate wonderful energy when you get together, and people enjoy watching you two in action more than you might realize. (Kinky!)
Acknowledge this attention, and go ahead and play up to it! (Who, Us?)
Charm the waiter, (Especially the dumbwaiter.)
make the cab driver blush, (Did you ever try to put makeup on a cab driver? In a moving cab? Not nearly as easy as it sounds.)
and work that dynamic duo magic. (It is WAY too hot for the Batman costume. Sorry, kids.)
It makes everyday activities so much more fun. (Than what?)
You think that you’re ready for change. (And We are, as long as everything stays exactly the same.)
Are you sure, or is that just what you want to think so you can prepare for love? (You can’t pre-pare love, no, you just have to wait. Love don’t come, Sleazy; stay at home and masturbate.)
(Oh, great; now Diana Ross is pissed off at Us.)
It may be time for you to examine your motives and figure out what you really want. (To lick Johnny Depp’s stamps. DUH. (Who didn’t see THAT coming?))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.