Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FreakyFriday, July 19rd , 2013. Happy Birthday to Allen, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Christopher, who also
turns twenty-four today somewhere in New York that’s not New York, New York. Whatever…what IS it, Jersey?
We
Our Own Self Personally are delirious with joy to see the asscrack of this
craptastic week. This morning, for
something new and different, three…two…one…GOOD MORNING, JACKHAMMER!!!! Now, never mind that We had already lain
insomniacally awake from about 3AM to 6AM.
We had finally fallen back asleep, and were right in the middle of a
dream in which SomeOne (who shall remain nameless) had just obtained a large
book full of nekkid photographs of people, equipped with a glow-in-the-dark (We
know, riiight?) harness, enabling the owner of said book to WEAR it, while
himself also otherwise nekkid.
And
We certainly didn’t need to stay asleep to see how THAT turned out.
Meanwhile,
join Us, won’t you, in being appalled that not only “asscrack” and “craptastic”,
but also the brilliant adverb “insomniacally”, are unrecognized as words by Micro$oft
Weird™.
And
now, from The We’ve Got Absolutely Nothin’ This Morning department:
20
Amazing True Facts About Introverts and Extroverts
Extroverts must swim
constantly: if they stop, they will suffocate.
Introverts
never have to drink water. They can get all the water they need from reading
books.
According
to the principles of aerodynamics, extroverts should be incapable of flight.
However, no one ever told extroverts this. Well actually they tried, but
the extroverts didn’t listen.
What
is commonly referred to as the introvert’s “second brain” is actually a
walnut-sized cluster of neurons at the base of the spine. It exchanges
information with the introvert’s true brain, but the neural impulses travel
slowly. If you step on an introvert’s tail, it can take as long as half an hour
before the introvert complains on Tumblr.
A
group of extroverts is called a “parliament.”
No
two introverts have the same markings.
Despite
their reputation, extroverts will generally only bite if provoked.
As
their teeth never stop growing, introverts must gnaw constantly to wear their
dentition down to a functional length.
There
are about 25 million extroverts for each introvert. Or at least it seems like
it.
Introverts
don’t really change color in order to blend in with the background. Their color
changes actually relate more to their moods and their activities, as when
fighting, fleeing, or attempting to mate.
Despite
the urban legend, eating uncooked rice does not cause an extrovert’s stomach to
explode.
Slowly
closing your eyes and then opening them again means “I love you” in Introvert.
An
extrovert’s quack does not echo.
Introvert
hair is made of keratin, the same proteinaceous material that makes up your
horn if you’re a rhino.
Extroverts
can keep talking for as long as two hours after their heads are chopped off.
The
common introvert can see in near-complete darkness if he or she can find the light
switch.
An
extrovert placed into a pot of boiling water will jump out immediately.
However, if you place an extrovert in a pot of lukewarm water and slowly turn
up the temperature until the water reaches the boiling point, he or she will
just keep texting.
Reclusicanthropus
giganticus, the largest known fossil
introvert, had a couch 22 feet long.
Extroverts
are native to all continents except Antarctica, but they’re starting to show up
there too.
Introverts
can slam their heads into solid wood at rates up to 20 times per second, but
are protected from impact trauma by a sponge-filled, shock-absorbing sinus
cavity… no wait, that’s woodpeckers.
And here is the HorrorScope:
It is Lizzie Borden’s birthday today. You will recall that Lizzie Borden took an
axe and gave her mother forty whacks.
Whack on, whack off, The Whacker.
(Speaking of whacking off, it is also Jared Padalecki’s birthday. (Not to mention Simon Rex’s.))
Wow. That was
deep.
Show people (There’s no people like show people, like no
people We know…)
(Kiss Us quick, We’re Ethel Merman.)
(How exactly woudja KNOW it was a merMAN? Like, how could it be anatomically
correct? Where would the parts be? Inquiring minds wanna know…)
(Sorry…what were We talking about?)
how it’s done today (We are guessing it is well
done. Which is, paradoxically, rare.)
— you’ve got terrific energy, (Why will no one recognize
that “terrific” and “horrific” are pretty much the same thing?)
(We are a cunning linguist. (If We were (subjunctively) not so fat that
We eclipse the sun, We could put on some leotards and go back in time to be The
Cunning Linguist as a villain on the old Batman
TV series. Where We would have a long session of
speaking-in-tongues with Burt Ward’s tights.))
(And if THAT mental image doesn’t freeze the hearts of
all jackhammerers everywhere, We don’t know what will.)
and should be able to blaze a trail toward something new
and lovely. (Since We’ve obviously
already got “old and repulsive” down pat.)
(Who the hell is Pat?)
At least one friend needs guidance that only you can
give. (Fortunately, the road to Hell was
paved recently.)
Your insight and
energy will lay the groundwork for an especially productive day today. (Let’s
all just hold Our breath and wait for that to happen, shall We?)
Whether it’s
finishing your taxes early, (Okay, We are fairly certain there is literally
absolutely no way to “finish One’s taxes early” in July. Not in this country, at any rate. Who the hell is proofreading his drivel?)
cleaning out your garage, or pulling together a last
minute celebration, you are totally on the ball and kicking you-know-what
today! (You lost Us at “garage”. AssHat.)
Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)
if powerful people take notice and offer you the chance
to display your abilities on a much larger stage. (We don’t give a Rat’sAssHat
about the size of the stage; it’s the size of the PAYCHECK…)
Let your ambition (How many times We gotta tell yo’ ass…it’s
“ambitchin”.)
take over and lead you to a success you have deserved for
a long time. (Oh, Jeebus Cripes…We don’t
have to “viZZZualize” shit, do We?)
It’s time to
transform your romantic life and make it what you’ve always wanted it to be. (So,
wait…all of a sudden, We have the power to raise the dead?)
The stars want you to make the most of this opportunity,
(We’ll take Charlie Weaver for the win.)
(We’ll pause here while the youngsters scurry to Google “who
the fuck is Charlie Weaver?” on Wikipedia.)
so some deep work
on your part is necessary right now.
(Speaking of cunning linguistics, insert Deepak Chopra deep work joke
here. (Then attempt to say “Deepak
Chopra deep work joke” three times fast.
(ViZZZualize THIS, biz-natch!)))
In gaseousness,
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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