Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FreakyFriday, July 19rd , 2013. Happy Birthday to Allen, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Christopher, who also turns twenty-four today somewhere in New York that’s not New York, New York. Whatever…what IS it, Jersey?
We Our Own Self Personally are delirious with joy to see the asscrack of this craptastic week. This morning, for something new and different, three…two…one…GOOD MORNING, JACKHAMMER!!!! Now, never mind that We had already lain insomniacally awake from about 3AM to 6AM. We had finally fallen back asleep, and were right in the middle of a dream in which SomeOne (who shall remain nameless) had just obtained a large book full of nekkid photographs of people, equipped with a glow-in-the-dark (We know, riiight?) harness, enabling the owner of said book to WEAR it, while himself also otherwise nekkid.
And We certainly didn’t need to stay asleep to see how THAT turned out.
Meanwhile, join Us, won’t you, in being appalled that not only “asscrack” and “craptastic”, but also the brilliant adverb “insomniacally”, are unrecognized as words by Micro$oft Weird™.
And now, from The We’ve Got Absolutely Nothin’ This Morning department:
20 Amazing True Facts About Introverts and Extroverts
And here is the HorrorScope:
It is Lizzie Borden’s birthday today. You will recall that Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. Whack on, whack off, The Whacker. (Speaking of whacking off, it is also Jared Padalecki’s birthday. (Not to mention Simon Rex’s.))
Wow. That was deep.
Show people (There’s no people like show people, like no people We know…)
(Kiss Us quick, We’re Ethel Merman.)
(How exactly woudja KNOW it was a merMAN? Like, how could it be anatomically correct? Where would the parts be? Inquiring minds wanna know…)
(Sorry…what were We talking about?)
how it’s done today (We are guessing it is well done. Which is, paradoxically, rare.)
— you’ve got terrific energy, (Why will no one recognize that “terrific” and “horrific” are pretty much the same thing?)
(We are a cunning linguist. (If We were (subjunctively) not so fat that We eclipse the sun, We could put on some leotards and go back in time to be The Cunning Linguist as a villain on the old Batman TV series. Where We would have a long session of speaking-in-tongues with Burt Ward’s tights.))
(And if THAT mental image doesn’t freeze the hearts of all jackhammerers everywhere, We don’t know what will.)
and should be able to blaze a trail toward something new and lovely. (Since We’ve obviously already got “old and repulsive” down pat.)
(Who the hell is Pat?)
At least one friend needs guidance that only you can give. (Fortunately, the road to Hell was paved recently.)
Your insight and energy will lay the groundwork for an especially productive day today. (Let’s all just hold Our breath and wait for that to happen, shall We?)
Whether it’s finishing your taxes early, (Okay, We are fairly certain there is literally absolutely no way to “finish One’s taxes early” in July. Not in this country, at any rate. Who the hell is proofreading his drivel?)
cleaning out your garage, or pulling together a last minute celebration, you are totally on the ball and kicking you-know-what today! (You lost Us at “garage”. AssHat.)
Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)
if powerful people take notice and offer you the chance to display your abilities on a much larger stage. (We don’t give a Rat’sAssHat about the size of the stage; it’s the size of the PAYCHECK…)
Let your ambition (How many times We gotta tell yo’ ass…it’s “ambitchin”.)
take over and lead you to a success you have deserved for a long time. (Oh, Jeebus Cripes…We don’t have to “viZZZualize” shit, do We?)
It’s time to transform your romantic life and make it what you’ve always wanted it to be. (So, wait…all of a sudden, We have the power to raise the dead?)
The stars want you to make the most of this opportunity, (We’ll take Charlie Weaver for the win.)
(We’ll pause here while the youngsters scurry to Google “who the fuck is Charlie Weaver?” on Wikipedia.)
so some deep work on your part is necessary right now. (Speaking of cunning linguistics, insert Deepak Chopra deep work joke here. (Then attempt to say “Deepak Chopra deep work joke” three times fast. (ViZZZualize THIS, biz-natch!)))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.