Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Winesday, July Turd, Twenny-Turdteen. Happy Birthday to Miriam, who turns twenty-four today here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Brian, who also turns twenty-four today, also here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also too, Happy Birthday to Wally, who also too turns twenty-four today, albeit in Maine. Where the rain stays spainly on the plain. Or something.
It is not, of course, Hump Day, as tomorrow is a holiday, and many of you no doubt have Friday off as well. Which would seem to mean that, for those with Monday through Friday work schedules, yesterday was Hump Day. So Happy Belated Hump Day, better Hump than never, a Hump in the hand is worth two in the bush, a Hump in time saves nine.
Didja ever notice how little sense some of those old sayings make?
For something new and different, it is not raining at this very moment. However, it obviously rained earlier, and it clearly intends to rain again. Lest We feel neglected in the Things Falling On Us Out Of The Sky Department.
We have been contemplating the art of writing lately…
Shall We compare thee to young Susan Dey?
Thou art more lovely and less anorexic…
Shakespeare, Shmakespeare…it occurs to Us that We’ve become quite prolific of late (apparently, We rarely type the word “prolific”, as it just occurred to Us that it looks like an adjective for the “Pro-Life” movement). Why, We have two shows as yet unwritten for this year’s Fringe Festival, and, had We (subjunctively) gone with the first one We haven’t written yet, We’d have been represented in this year’s Festival ONLY as a writer. Circumstances beyond Our control, unfortunately, forced Us to go with the second show We haven’t written yet, thereby giving YouPeople a public appearance by Starzina to which to look forward. Lucky, lucky you!
Speaking of hilarity, We’re still waiting to hear what anybody has to say about that random picture of Joan Crawford and Colonel Sanders.
In other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc. Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends. Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
It is Tom Cruise’s birthday. In honor of tomorrow’s holiday, We’re going to let YouPeople Make Your Own Joke.
Take stock of what you’ve got today. (Well, it’s Tom Cruise’s birthday. So there’s probably shortcake. In the closet.)
(Hey, We gave YOU a chance to Make Your Own Joke. You didn’t do it. Whatever happens now is YOUR FAULT.)
That should largely be focused on material possessions, (‘Cause We are living in the material world, and We are a material girl.)
but you may also find it somewhat fruitful (Heh.)
to think about your spiritual resources as well. (Wow. Way to bring down the room. Bitch.)
Today you’ll get a stronger sense of what your role in a relationship is — and you might not like what you discover. (When this sentence first caught Our eye earlier, the first “role” We thought of (for reasons unfathomable) was “filibusterer”. Or, in ze Frawnch, “filibustiere”. As in “that blond girl may be stupid, but she sure can filibustiere.” (Every so often, We like to throw Our str8 boi readers a bone(r). This was one of those times.))
Does “caught Our eye” make anyone else viZZZualize Us as a Cyclops?
If you type “bone(r)” and just leave it alone, Micro$oft Weird™ makes it “bone®”. Which is also funny, but not in the same way.)
You thought there was a permanence to this partnership, (Which twin has the Toni™?)
(Gawd, We’re old.)
but now you’re not so sure. (We thought We couldn’t make up Our mind, but now We’re not so sure…)
Before you throw in the towel and assume it’s all over, (Test it out by throwing in the washcloth first.)
have a conversation with the other person. (Or that.)
Tell them what you think about the balance of power between the two of you and ask them if what you fear is true. (Wow. That was as lyrical as a miracle. You are a poet, but you are unaware of it.)
Chances are, (Johnny Mathis is as gay as Tom Cruise.)
you have misunderstood something. (Oh, Honey. We are Miss Understood 2013.)
(We have no idea what that means.)
The long hours you’ve been working are starting to pay off, and you’re recognized as the superstar you already know you are! (Again with the rhyming! Thank you Ogden Gnash. G-nash, g-nash, g-nash.)
Celebrate success with friends at your favorite happy hour and see who takes notice. (Yeah. Let’s just see who takes any notice of Us.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.