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Thursday, July 18, 2013

All the oldies but goodies

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsThursday, July 18 nd, 2013.  (After all this time, We realized that We could turn those thingies into superscripts if We typed them with a correct number (e.g. “2nd”) and then pasted them where We wanted them.  Clearly, We are a Mensa Member.  (Or Menstruating.  One of those.))

Happy Birthday to Beth, who turns twenty-four today all the way out on The Other Coast.  In California.  Swimming pools, movie stars.  Happy Birthday also to Ted, who also turns twenty-four today somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  And Happy Birthday also too to Lary, who too also turns twenty-four today right here in the City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Additionally, Happy Belated Birthday to Brittany, who turned twenty-four yesterday, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  She somehow got overlooked yesterday, possibly because We were, oh, I don’t know BLINDED BY RAGE.

In other news, the plot to drive Us mad continues.  If this were (subjunctively) the evening news, We would now turn things over to Our foreign correspondent, who would identify his location as “war-torn Warnock Street”.  The Water Department, who jackhammered (it IS a word, goddammit) here yesterday till We teetered on the brink of madness, then threatened to shut Our water off for the evening (but never did), is today digging and subsequently filling in hole after hole up and down the street, in an effort to accomplish what, We cannot guess.

For the next part of Our story, you will need to realize that holes are still being created, that those that are ”filled in” are filled only with piles of dirt that rise above street level and are surrounded with orange cones and sawhorses, and that Warnock Street is completely impassable.

And it is Trash Day.

And now, from The You Will Not Believe THIS Department, in conjunction with The I’m Sorry, Tinkerbell Is Dead, You Just Didn’t Clap Hard Enough Department, this just in:

Our neighbors blithely put their trash out, even though there was no way for a trash truck to get anywhere near said trash.  Having at one time worked for the EAC (Evil Acquiring Company, for you newbs), and thus being well-acquainted with The Futility Of All Human Endeavor, We kept Our trash to Ourself.

Do you know that those Philadelphia sanitation workers walked up and down this block and collected every particle of trash, including recycling bins that they had to carry to their truck and then walk back to return?  We felt just as though We were in the Bible, watching Jeebus multiply loaves by fishes without a calculator, or raise Lazy Ass from the dead.

We would say that Our faith in humanity is restored, except that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “Tinkerbell” as a word, and what the hell is up with that?

On another subject entirely:

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.

And now, Nicolas Cage as your favorite Disney princesses (this is as Safe-For-Work as anything featuring skanky-assed Nicolas Cage can be construed to be):

And here is the HorrorScope:

It is Hume Cronyn’s birthday today.  Hume Cronyn is, of course, the famous actor whom We shove up Uma Thurman’s ass every time an assumption gets made around here.

It’s a time of spiritual renewal today (Our spirit being, apparently, a library book.)

— which could be somewhat painful, so watch out!  (You think THAT’S painful, talk to Uma Thurman about Hume Cronyn’s dentures.)

You’ve got to show the world that you’re up for whatever is coming, so put on a brave face and head out!  (We’ve heard of Leading Lady Pink, and Light Egyptian…what is this “Brave Face” of which you speakum?)

You’ll easily be able to keep all of your emotions in check today, no matter what kind of hassle you have to deal with. (Well, DUH.  David Hasselhoff’s birthday was YESTERDAY.)

(What was the question?)

Traffic woes won’t worry you in the least — you’ll have great music on the radio to keep you happy. (Every sha-la-la-la, every woe-woe-woe still shines…)

(Kiss Us quick, We’re Karen Carpenter’s lunch.)

There’s a calmness and clarity inside of you that keeps you on an even keel.  (We might even keel over.)

 Your best friend doesn’t like your current date. (Who gives a fig?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?  We kill Us.)

If this person makes you happy, you can’t throw them aside. (Which one?  The best friend, or the date?  (On a side note, is the date inflatable?))

Learn to stand behind your choices.  (Well, innat just a smutty suggestion?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.