Before We even begin The Horoscope Proper, lettuce just point out that yesterday’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Catherine Deneuve was a pixture of James Maslow, who was discussed in the celebrity birthday section therein. The subject line was a song lyric, as it always is, taken from one of Mister Maslow’s hits. So, “creepy”? Yeah, only if you never read any further. KThxBye.
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WowWe’veWeallyGotOurBitchOnEarlyInTheMorningWednesday, July 17rd, 2013. Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Dan, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
To continue with today’s bitchfest, there is apparently a new wrinkle in Modern Etiquette, whereby, when We do you a favor, you then get to holler at Us.
No, The Universe, the jackhammer jackhammering immediately outside Our front door is NOT going to make Us any less bitchy; why do you ask?
Also, how the fuck is “jackhammering” not a word?
Here is an apparently hot news flash for some people out there: We are all “crazy busy”. We all have too many things to do, and not enough time in which to do them. We are all trying to make ends meet, and, for the most part, failing. Your “crazy busy” schedule does not make you different, or special, or unique. And it most assuredly does not excuse your acting like an asshole.
It would appear that We are not very funny this morning. Lettuce see if there are any celebrity birthdays to cheer Us up…
Hmmm…Alex Winter (the one in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure who WASN’T Keanu Reeves) was born today. Wasn’t there recent talk of another sequel? (It was another sequel, right, not a remake? Please tell Us We didn’t hallucinate that.) Also born today: Survivor producer Mark Burnett. And David Hasselhoff.
And here is the HorrorScope:
Because We are in such a foul humor, We shall be sharing a reading from Madame Olivia instead of Kelli The AssHat:
It is very good to see you again.
Madame Olivia has a word about dealing with tension, a recurring fact of life. For stress reduction, always go to the breath. Simply stop a few times a day, relax your scalp and shoulders, and observe three or four breaths. Don't make them too deep or too shallow, just breathe normally, but observe yourself doing it. You'll feel a difference right away.
Madame Olivia cannot shake this saying out of her head. For her it's right up there with and the fact that both are swarming in her brain can mean only one thing: this is a good time for you, little Aries, to make a decision that feels right even though it might look a little shaky on paper.
Alas, it is time to take our leave but Madame Olivia looks forward to your next visit and sends you warmest wishes.
All things considered, the hell with the Devil…how ‘bout We let James Maslow take the hindmost?
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.