Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDayThursday, July Forf, 2013. Happy In Depends™ Day to all of Our American readers. Our UnAmerican readers might not understand the importance of In Depends™ Day, which is pretty stupid, because just imagine not being In Depends™ when you need to be In Depends™, and you’ll pretty much get it.
We were going to take the day off, like most of the rest of you, but then We figgered perhaps there was someone amongst Our Gentle Readers whose day would be brightened by an e-pissode, and We figgered We’d do Our part. After all, not EVERYONE has the day off. Surely some of Our Gentle Readers are working today, as they are, say, paramedics. Or parade marshals. Or prostitutes.
Happy Birthday, meanwhile to a whole HOST of patriotic people. Happy Birthday to Our American Cousin Jennifer, who turns twenty-four today. As does another of Our American Cousins, Kim, so Happy Birthday to her as well. Also too, Happy Birthday to Gabrielle, and Danny, and Michael, and Bob, each of whom turns twenty-four today in various and sundry parts of the Youessive-ay.
That’s a whole lot of folks all turning twenty-four today. In fact, that may be an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! all-time record. It is making Us imagine a whole lot of determined American mamas-about-to-be, twenty four years ago, ‘round about 11PM on July 3rd, crossing their legs tightly, clenching their nether parts, and saying through gritted teeth, “Not YET, you little no-neck monster!”
But then, We’re imaginative like that.
Speaking of Birthday Boy Danny, he was the first-ever Very Special Guest Star in one of Our Time of the Month Horoscope videos. Which see, here:
Please note that he’s not In Depends™, he’s In A G-string.
Meanwhile, this just in from RuPaul: “This country was founded by a bunch of men wearing wigs!”
In other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc. Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends. Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
It’s not just folks We know who were born today…there are plenty of celebrities, too! Malia Obama, Calvin Coolidge, Gina Lollobrigida, Mitch Miller…We could go on. And on. But why would We?
Avoid anything heavy or intense today — you’ve got to deal with people who are pushing you hard already, and you are much better off if you can force them to stick to ephemera. (You hear that, YouPeople? We’re forcing you to stick to ephemera. We have no fucking clue what that’s supposed to MEAN, but that’s Kelli’s asshatted plan, and We’re sticking to it.)
There is a lot of flirtatious energy flying around today, (Which is peculiar, because We’re all alone here.)
and you could get caught in the crossfire if you’re not too careful. (We’re just gonna stick to the ephemera, thanks.)
This could be a bad thing if you are starting a new relationship, because you really don’t need the distraction (Sorry…did you say something?)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
when you should be concentrating on trying to get to know someone better. (We would love to know someone better. Most of the folks We know are bitter.)
You need to stick with one romantic pursuit at a time! (How trivial!)
But if you’re free and eager to explore new options, (Is it just Us, or did that sound like an extremely polite way of saying, “But if you’re a big ol’ slut”?)
today will be a very exciting and productive day for you. (Especially if you’re a paramedic, or a parade marshal, or a prostitute.)
(If you ARE at work today, and/or this e-pisstle brightened your day, please lettuce know. Comment below, or send Us a message.)
You find an easy out to a tough situation today, so don’t worry about how you’re going to explain it. (Again, We’re all alone. We don’t have to explain anything.)
Just when things are at their worst, (They get worser?)
inspiration sets you free. (Mmm-hmm. We’re not gonna hold Our breath.)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
Be patient and watch for clues. (We have run out of jokes. Sorry.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.