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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I met The Devil in Poughkeepsie, New York

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesdayWeld’sChildIsFullOfGraceSlick, July 2th, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York, that is.  One has to specify, because, if One just says, “New York”, One could mean Poughkeepsie.

Geography is hard.

In still other news, it’s raining.  Quelle surprise.  Or, as the Frawnch say, “Merde, il pleut.”  Which means “Shit is falling out of the sky”.  As opposed, of course, to “A House of Merde il Pleut”, which means, “Oh, shit, how did We end up in a whorehouse?”

Frawnch is such a colorful language.  And it has whores in it.

We do so enjoy amusing Our Sistah Ovella by speaking Frawnch.  Just yesterday, she commented on Our e-pisstle (YouPeople WERE aware that it is possible to comment on these e-pisstles, yes?  (Is this thing on?)) that she was unable to send the nekkid pixtures We had requested.  (We have already told that story twice, so We are not telling it again.  If you nakedly skimmed past it the first two times, go here:  .) 

We know just how she feels.  We Our Own Self Personally are currently so large that all of Our nekkid pixtures now say “Continued next pixture”.

Of course, Our Sistah Ovella was not the gentleman in question who sent Us nekkid pixtures in Our dream and was thus being requested to send them in real life, because (A.) she is Our sistah, and thus no gentleman, and (2.) We specifically indicated that We had never seen the gentleman in question completely nekkid, and We’ll just be ending this paragraph right here now.

In random other news which will amuse other Gentle Readers, Our first step every morning in writing these e-pisstles is to take the previous day’s e-dition and delete out all the specifics, leaving those parts which will go forward into the new day’s e-pissode.  (We trust you are not too disappointed to learn that We do not type “Hello, Ducks! Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for” every single day.  Because We looked at Our calendar for yesterday, and it did not say, “Be born”. (As a matter, of fact, We did not even type it just now, We copied and pasted it.  (Your illusions, see how We destroy them.)))   At any rate, the number of words remaining today after We deleted?  420.  Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.

And these random items just in from the WorldWideInterWebNetz:

·         Why do hot dogs come in packages of 10 but we only use our military to intervene in troubled countries if oil is their natural resource‏?

·         Life hack: If your cellphone gets wet, put it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you‏

In other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

No wonder We made a 420 joke earlier…speaking of 420 and other controlled substances, it’s Lindsay Lohan’s birthday!  How is it possible that she’s only twenty-seven?  We are wearing panties that are older than she is.  Oh, wait…We’re not wearing any panties.  Never mind.

Money issues are taking up too much of your mental energy (Our what?!?)

— so settle at least one big problem once and for all! (Fine…from now on, We’re going Native (American, that is) and paying for everything with beads.  Wampum!  (You wampum, you brought ‘em.))

(How much do We love that Micro$oft Weird™ recognizes “wampum” as a word?  THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS much!)

It could involve forgiving a debt (To say nothing of forgiving Our trespasses (Or Our trannypasses (Or those who have trannypassed against Us.)))

(Somewhere along the way, We’ve lost the thread.  And the spool.  And, quite frankly, the entire sewing basket.)

or taking on a second job, (Can it be the job called blow?)

but it’s likely to be major.  (So We’ve skipped right past privates, then?  Isn’t THAT just the story of Our life?)

Sometimes it feels like patience isn’t a virtue (Also, Dalmatians aren’t cockatoos.  But you probably knew that already.)

as much as it’s a method of torture!  (We hear dat if you puts a knife under de bed it cuts de pain.)

If you want to retain any sense of balance in your life, you are going to have to find a way to take your internal clock and slow it down!  (Take Our internal…oh, she said “CLOCK”.  Never mind.)

A great way to slow your roll (“Slow Our roll”?  Oh, Kelli…you are so hep to the jive…)

would be to laugh a lot (We have been laughing ever since Lindsay Lohan’s panties.)

— so get together with people who always have a funny take on things.  (And go to a funeral.)

Their quips and witty comments will help take your mind off your urge to rush around, and will help you stay hopeful for the future.  (Free sketch comedy idea for the taking:  pie fight at a funeral.  GO!)

If you’re getting tired of waiting for someone to ask you out, (Or, indeed, ANYone.)

you can get things rolling.  (Was that another 420 joke?)

Feel things out  (First?!?)

and when the time is right, go for it. (Wow.  Way to go from zero to restraining order in sixty seconds.)

The other person is sure to be glad you took the lead. (Not to mention the leash.  (No, really…don’t mention it.))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.