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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Can't you see all I really want to be is your boyfriend?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, July Sixteenf, Twennyfirteen.  Happy Birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today.  In Phoenixville.  Which, presumably, rises from Ashville.  Because We’re culturally attuned like that.

(We are well aware that the Ashville of which most of you were thinking is actually spelled “AshEville”, and is in North Carolina.  We, on the other hand, were thinking of Ashville, PENNSYLVANIA.  Population 227 as of the 2010 Census.  (The information We waste brain cells retaining would boggle your brain cells.))

Something something We on the other hand wee-wee-wee all the way home.  (There’s a joke in there somewhere…must We do everything Ourselves?)

We have been pondering the fluctuations in Our hit count.  For a while, following what We learned by doing Holidailies, it appeared to Us as though We (quite understandably) got more hits when We discoursed (heh) on an actual subject (Our review of Les Miz, the Oscars™, etc.), presumably because people would direct others to those e-pissodes, “read this funny thing about the Oscars™” being much more socially acceptable than “read this funny thing about poop” or “read this explanation of GoodPieRupeeTuesday”.  Of late, however, there appear to just be random ups and downs in said hit count (well, actually, random up-spikes…there is a solid baseline, which is, presumably, Our regular Gentle Readers and Naked Skimmers (thank you)), which does not seem attributable to any logical variation, or the spambots to which We fall frequent victim.   We were going to attempt to formulate some questions to get to the bottom of this mystery, but, since We cannot even seem to be able to formulate a wee-wee joke this morning, that will have to wait for another day.

Here, for example, is a random entry that has 5-6 times as many hits as baseline, in case any of you have your thinking caps on: 

(Note to Self:  do thinking caps come with thinking caps lock?)

So, speaking of an actual subject, here is What Today’s Screed Is About:

If We have made a plan with you on one Monday to meet at 5 o’clock the following Monday, and have confirmed said plan on the Saturday two days before the Monday in question, your reason for not showing up for the appointed appointment does not get to be that We didn’t send you a text on the actual day itself, and, therefore, you didn’t think We were coming.  Because guess what?  YOU didn’t send US a text on the day either, so, by your own logic, you never had any intention of showing up.

Did We mention that We hate people?

In other news, you will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show.  Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone?  You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out.  We HAVE, however, filmed a KickStarter video to assist in the financing of said show, coming soon to a computer near you.

In other other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.  This past weekend, We filmed the next e-pissode, the fifth installment of Our story arc.  Try not to expire from the anticipation.

We would like you to take this link to said video and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

Jeebus H. Cripes on a Cheez-Its™ cracker!  Some boy-band boy called James Maslow was born today, in honor of which We say, “Justin Bieber WHO?”  Also, Ginger Rogers, who was mentioned in yesterday’s e-pisstle, was actually born today, but she won’t care, because she’s dead.  James Maslow, on the other hand, is very much alive, and could make Us wee-wee-wee all the way home.  Also, Orville Redenbacher.   Because when your name has that many syllables, sentences don’t need verbs.  Although, despite the paucity of syllables, We are guessing that James Maslow would make an excellent verb.

Just pay attention (Sorry…did you say something?)

and everything should make sense — though it may take longer than you like. (Honey, Minute Rice™ takes longer than We like.  Instant gratification doesn’t come soon enough.)

(Meanwhile, speaking of brain cells We’ll never get back, Twatter just informed Us that Jonathan Taylor Thomas is only 5’5”.)

(You’re welcome.)

It’s hard to force the truth out of anyone today,  (That will not, however, stop Us from squeezing James Maslow, should We stumble across him.)

so make sure that you’re listening (Sorry…did you say something?)

(We literally just copied and pasted that.  Just so ya know.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

and collecting clues.  (It was Colonel Maslow.  In Our bedroom.  With his lead pipe.)

This is a time to relish your personal freedom (And throw some catsup and mustard on that bad boy while you’re at it.)

— even if you are in a relationship, you need to foster your independence every once and a while. (Oh, We are so independent that We went to a bar and had a drink with Ourself yesterday.  On the plus side, due to modern technology, One doesn’t have to feel all alone while One is being stood up.  So thanks to TCBITWWW and MizGerreGarrett, who kept Us company via text as We sat pathetically in a corner.)

Do something by yourself, (Pay attention, bee-yotch!)

something that no one else enjoys as much as you do. (Oh, see, now.  We know a euphemism when We see one.)

Go off on a day trip to a location that has special meaning for you. (The snack food aisle at the Ack-A-Me?)

Remind yourself what it’s like to be able to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it. (How would We know?)

Thinking of another person’s preferences is fine, (Assuming (thereby shoving Uma Thurman up Hume Cronyn’s ass) that “another person” shows up.)

but it’s not always the right way to handle things.  (Speaking of non sequiturs, there is an entire store in Our neighborhood devoted to cloth diapers.)

 Every romance needs stability and calm at least some of the time, but it also needs some tension to keep things moving. (Are you sure that’s romance you’re talking about?)

 A little back-and-forth energy should help your current situation. (We shall happily engage in a  little “back-and-forth energy” with Mister James Maslow…)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.