Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManTitzMonday, July 22th , 20thirteen. Happy Belated Birthday to Adam who turned twenty-four this past weekend in FairBrooklynThePrideOfTheThornInTheSideOfNewYork. Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Christopher, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, all the way across the country on The Left Coast.
Susan Sarandon apparently just joined SitOnMyFaceBook last week. We are amongst the first thirty-five thousand or so people to like her page. The world is a very strange place.
Speaking of strange, We are up to Our eyeballs in creating publicity for Our Fringe show. Which show, We might add, does not yet exist. But you will be hearing a great deal more about it in the coming days. Which will still be prior to its actual existence.
Do strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
In other news, those of you who have been to OurHouseWhereWeLive know that We keep a crystal bowl full of Hershey’s™ kisses on Our coffee table in the living room. Not being a big sweets eater, We probably eat, in general, two or three kisses a month. Last night, We sat in front of Our television and ate every single piece of chocolate in the bowl.
Our bowels are not thanking Us.
Meanwhile confidentially to Our str8 boi readers who may have been wondering: it’s not gay if you do it for a Klondike™ bar.
And here is the HorrorScope:
Years from now, We sincerely hope that you will remember exactly what you were doing when you found out that it is Orson Bean’s birthday. Also, Selena Gomez turns twenty-one today, which may mark the first time that it has been brought to Our attention that there are now fully-grown-adult twenty-one-year-old persons who were born in 1992. If anyone is looking for Us, We’ll be lying under the coffee table, drinking an Everclear™ and Geritol™.
Jump on that big, fat opportunity (Eeeeuuuuwwww!!!!)
— you need to relish it for all it’s worth! (Does anyone actually EAT relish? (Does anyone? Still wear? A hat?))
There’s no need to worry about making the wrong choice, (Since this is an e-pissode of OUR life, and the wrong choice is a given.)
as you aren’t likely to see something like this again anytime soon. (Oooooohhh….a one-time only wrong choice! Those are the best ones!)
Your drive for success simply cannot steer you wrong right now, (Is it just Us, or is this driving metaphor a little muddled?)
so let it introduce you to new and exciting circumstances today! (By inserting random exclamation points, Kelli is clearly attempting to create this illusion of “exciting circumstances” to which she alludes. Unfortunately, she is failing, because she is an asshatted asshat with an ass for a hat.)
Meeting new people and tackling difficult new challenges might not be the first things on your wish list. (However, tackling new people…)
But once you get started in on something with this much possibility you won’t be able to stop until you have reached your goal. (Has anyone else ever noticed how much “goal” and “koala” look alike? Just Us? Alrighty, then. (It was apparently a very good year for Everclear™. Or Geritol™. One of those.))
You’re not so sure that scoring love points is really worth it when it comes at someone else’s expense. (Doesn’t “love” in tennis mean “nothing”? If We’re going to have sports metaphors, could they not be SO stupid that they don’t even make sense to people who know nothing about sports? KThxBye.)
You know you’ve got great moves, (You’ve no idea.)
so there’s no need to compete directly (What about directing completely?)
— play it your own way. (Oh, see, now…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.