At first I was afraid, I was PETrified!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, September 07, 2012.  The epic dreams continue, not that We shall waste your time recounting them.  Last night, for instance, We were stranded in LA (Los Angeles, not Louisiana…but then you probably knew that), and realized We did not have Our wallet.  We also realized (within the dream) that We had had a dream the previous night in which We did not have Our wallet.  This was so profoundly affecting that, when We woke up from the dream, We were compelled to check that Our wallet was where We had left it.

It was.  (We know, you’re relieved too.)

In other news, We were paid $125 for an hour of Our time yesterday, and We didn’t even have to take Our clothes off.  If We could just translate that into an eight-hour day once or twice a week, We’d be good to go.

In still other news, We know We should be grateful for whatever We can get, but if you are going to hit on Us, please try to be a little more original than, “You look familiar”, because it will be only Our excellent upbringing and well-developed manners that prevent Us from replying, “Really?  You look like an old guy with a lousy complexion and really bad hair.”  KThxBye.

Tonight is, of course,  the opening of the Philadelphia Fringe Festival, and, coincidentally, the opening of the WaitStaff’s The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game! , where you will be able to find Us intermittently for the rest of the month, and for which you will obtain your tickets here: http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar .

Hear the WaitStaff’s praises sung here:  http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/arts-and-culture/stage/funky_four_plus_one_more-168536276.html   

And Our Own Personal praises sung here: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

                                                                                                                                                                       

Today, We are informed, is Gloria Gaynor’s birthday.  Which may not seem like all that, until you realize that it has more impact on your day-to-day life than Queen Elizabeth I or Devon Sawa.

It’s a great day for shopping, or for restoring antiques (Honey, We have to appear on stage later.  We will most assuredly be Restoring Antiques.)

— anything that keeps you busy and focused on beautiful things. (Anybody who shows up at the door with fifteen bucks is a Beautiful Thing as far as We’re concerned.  (Unless they say, “You look familiar.”))

(In all seriousness, however, if you are planning to come see Us, don’t wait till the last minute.  As of this morning’s early sales report, almost all of tonight’s tickets are gone.   And the WaitStaff is notorious for selling out at the Fringe.  Make a reservation, people.)

You need to refocus your energy on activities that matter to you.  (Fine.  If anyone wants Us, We shall be dancing about to “I Will Survive”.   The rest of you can dance to Queen Elizabeth I or Devon Sawa’s Greatest Hit.)

(Apropos of nothing, is Prince Charles the current Queen Elizabeth’s Greatest Twit?)

 Mixing finances with friendships is seldom a good idea, and that goes double for today!  (Mixing foie gras with Fresca™, on the other hand, will definitely put those PopRocks™-in-Pepsi™ people in their place!)

(What?)

One of your most beloved people needs some money, (Show Us one who doesn’t.)

but unfortunately they don’t always know how to handle it responsibly. (Then they shouldn’t fondle their bills and drive.)

If you loan them some out of kindness, you’ll probably be tense about when and how they will pay you back — which will only create tension. (Hmmm…being tense could create tension, you say?  Who knew?)

(AssHat.)

                                                                            

 Unless you are able to give it to them as a gift outright, don’t give them anything.  (Not even herpes?)

It’s just not worth it. (Speaking of not worth it, We are counting down to a blatant display of “you (meaning Us) are less equal than me (meaning them)” behavior.  If We weren’t (subjunctively) speaking (virtually), We would say We were virtually speechless.  Wow.)

Plenty of energy is flying back and forth between you and a potential love interest, but is it constructive? (We’re just gonna go right ahead and guess “no”.)

 The sheer spectacle makes it too distracting to tell at first. (And you haven’t even seen what’s in the sheep receptacle.)

Once the dust settles, reevaluate. (Also, vacuum.  No matter WHAT Nature’s whores tell you to do.)

 

 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weenie hot pink polka dot bikini

(Yes, folks, We said ‘weenie’.  It’s an entendre.  Not quite a double entendre, more like an entendre and a half.  Deal and cope, people, deal and cope.)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, April 25, 2011.  Happy birthday to Our Manhattanese sister, Asphyxia8, who, if the beads on Our trusty abacus do not misinform Us, turns twenty-four today. And Happy Anniversary to Us here at Erix Daily Horoscope, as Google informs Us that today We are publishing Our three hundredth installment in Bloggonia. (Of course, the actual number of Erix Daily Horoscopes ever published is unknowable, many of the initial offerings since 2001 having been lost.  A few of Our Faithful Readers will no doubt recall when these epistles were delivered by carrier pigeon, who travelled barefoot uphill both ways in the snow (why they didn’t fly, We’ll never know).  And here We are, ten years later, still undiscovered, still poor as a church mouse (whatever the hell a church mouse is), and cranky as ever.  Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. (We would point out that that last bit was Frawnch, but We’re pretty sure the two of you who are actually reading this are already aware of that.))

Hidden in the preceding paragraph is an Erix Daily Horoscope Movie Trivia Quote.  (Well, okay, it’s “Why we didn’t fly, I’ll never know”, so not so much with the hidden.) Name the fillum, win a prize.

Today is also, of course, the kickoff of Royal Wedding Week.  They really need to speed these nuptials along quick, fast, and in a hurry.  Not because What’s-Her-Face is preggers, but because, if they wait any longer, poor Prince William will have lost his hair entirely.  Poor thing, he showed such promise in late adolescence, resembling his mother as he did. Then he took that unfortunate left turn into Prince Charles-dom, and it’s been all downhill ever since.   He should have taken a cue from his brother, Prince Ginger…er, Prince Harry, who’s looked like the milkman all along.

In honor of Royal Wedding Week, We shall be featuring pixtures of happy couples as Our Erix Daily Horoscope Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Artist Formerly Known As Prince Hal Prince Prince Albert In The Can Nine Days Old.  In today’s pixture, for instance, We are particularly intrigued by the way Our Viking friend’s tasty beverage seems to perfectly match his blue-headdressed companion’s Speedo™, even as We attempt to ignore the incipient alien about to emerge from his navel. You’re welcome.

Apropos of nothing, Can. Not. One. God. Damned. Thing. Be easy?  (Sorry…just had to get that off Our chest(s).)

And now, the muumuu you’ve all been weighing for, Le Scope de Horreur:

Your ambitious nature is making life quite a bit more interesting for you. (We are going to pause at this juncture to coin a neologism (did that sound dirty?  Was it because it had gism in it?), as We do.  We have always felt that there should be a better word than “ambitious” to describe an ambitious person, such as Ourselves, with an atty-tood.  And that word is: “ambitchous”.)

That could mean that your energy is ready for a new level of activity, (Indeed. “Zero” has become so predictable. (Why “PREdictable”?  It’s not like it means “dictable in advance”.  And there’s no such thing as “POSTdictable”….))

or that you are taking on the whole world.  (Right now, We’re just trying to come up with a definition for “dictable”.)

 If you have too many ambitions, (“Ambitchions”.)

you run the risk of having too many disappointments!  (And again We say, “Huh?”  “Disappear” is the opposite of “appear”, yes.  But “disappointment”….)

(Actually, all of these cunning linguistics are just a desperate effort to distract Ourself.  It’s like when They tell you not to think about pink elephants, and then all you can think about are pink elephants.  Well, earlier, We happened to think about Prince Harry’s boner…)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is now objecting to the possessive form of “Harry”, and suggesting all sorts of ludicrous things (“Hurry’s”, “Hardy’s”, “Harpy’s”, “Ghurry’s”, Carry’s”), none of which would be as common as a guy named Harry who owns something.  (Not that We are at all suggesting that Harry is common.  Harry is, as We all know, a PRINCE.  (Harry, if you’re reading this, CALL US.)))

Pare down your long list of things to do before a big milestone in your life (See, one of the problems with Our life is that Our metaphors are constantly getting mixed.  So milestones and millstones are often muddled, and one or the other generally winds up around Our neck.)

— so you aren’t setting yourself up for feelings of inadequacy. (Prince Harry’s boner. (Sorry.  It just slipped out. (OOOOOOHHHH!!!)))

Just take each day as it comes. (Now you’re just being mean.)

Work on your important goals when you can, but let go of outlandish (More than landish?  The opposite of inlandish?  Words are weird.)

predictions (See above.)

and unrealistic retirement fantasies. (Why is it so unrealistic to retire now, then go back to work once We’re senile?)

Instead of dreaming about the future, enjoy all the wonderful things that the present has to offer.  

(Fine.  Name one.)

(No, really. We’ll wait.)

(Are those crickets?)

Volunteering is an excellent way to meet like-minded and cute people. (Actually, volunteering is an excellent way to do a lot of work and make absolutely no money.)

Pick your favorite organization and dive right in. (This advice works best if your favorite organization happens to be the Swedish Olympic men’s Swim Team.)

You’re making a difference — and making new connections while you’re at it. (Prince Harry’s boner.  (Sorry…she said “connections”.))

 

*****************************************************************************  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

This is what it sounds like when doves cry “Wolf!”

Greetings, Egret Regrets Ingesting Courgettes---


(Because they gave him Courgette’s Syndrome. Heh.)


Here is your horoscope for Saturday, February 13, 2010 (We have to amuse you very quickly this morning, as We are off to a marathon WaitStaff rehearsal. (We would say “of Olympic proportions”, but that would just sound like a desperate effort to be au courant. Also, you would probably think We were talking about Our @ssz.)):


(“Courgette”, meanwhile, is British for “zucchini”. What would possess the Britannians to refer to a perfectly lovely Eye-talian vegetable in French is entirely beyond Us, but, then, a lot of things the Britannians do are inexplicable to Us. However, in this particular instance, they have afforded Us the opportunity to end a paragraph with Prince Harry n@ked, so We are grateful. Prince Harry naked.)


(Did We really just do that? Sigh. Well, at least it kept Us from getting all caught up in a discussion of grammar, style, and etymology which, as you can see from today’s pixture, is serious bidness. Entomology, on the other hand, is about bugs.)


(Speaking of naked princes, the WaitStaff’s post-VD sketch comedy show Desperate and Dateless plays for one night only at the World Café Live at 7:30 on Friday, February 19th, and you can buy your tickets here: http://tickets.worldcafelive.com/eventperformances.asp?evt=3418 . Because if you wait much longer to buy them, the show will have already happened, and you’ll be shelling out money for a useless piece of paper. And wouldn’t that seem a little foolish?)


(Our-O-Scope…)


Hi, All! (Since when is Our name “All”? Our @SSZ’S name may be “All”, but even that’s a bit presumptuous. After all, who the h3ll are you, Prince Harry naked?)


It's Valentines weekend (Scr3w that noise. VD is tomorrow, and that’s it. It’s Prince Harry naked weekend, and you cannot convince Us otherwise.)


(The Relevant Adz Generator is gonna love Us today!)


and the outlook is good. (See, now you’re expecting a “Prince Harry naked” joke. So We’re going to refrain. Now THAT’S comedy!)


If your romance is in trouble, (It’s nothing a little Prince Harry naked wouldn’t cure. (Remember back when Prince William was the cute one and this would have been all about “Prince William naked”? Then all of a sudden he turned into his dad and, trust Us, no one has ever uttered the words “Prince Charles naked”.))


(Whew! That’s a lotta stuff about one naked Prince or another. (You’re thinking about little red Courgettes now, aren’t you?))


(Heh. See how all y’all thought that was just random insanity, and We tied it all up together? Do not attempt this at home.)


then it really must be in some serious trouble because the Stars are looking very positive. (Especially Paul Lynde. We are thinking he’s had work done.)


If you're infatuated with someone and you're thinking about declaring your love - no guarantees but you have excellent stars for it! (Okay, We’re just gonna wrap this up and go start sexting naked Prince Harry. L8r g8tors.)


(YOUR-O-Scopes:


http://www.humorscope.com


do you have Prince Cowgrass in a can?)