And let me kiss you

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  WinesDay, March 27, 2013.  Happy Hump Day, YouPeople.

Our email would like Us to know that “You could receive up to $6000 worth of laser hair removal FREE!”  Is that a lot?  We have no idea…naturally, $6000 is a lot, but We have no earthly concept of how many unsightly hairs there are.  Let’s say that’s six thousand hairs, at one dollar per…what if that only finishes off one leg, and they’re like “Okay, cough up $6000 for the other leg!”  There are really only so many places that One can appropriately wear Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Oscar™ gown.

In other news, speaking of Hump Day, We have decided that Our new fast track to fame and fortune involves Our leaking a sex tape.  Now, We just need to have Us some sex.  Which is gonna be extra-complicated, what with this one smooth leg and one hairy one.  Somebody get Brad Pitt on the phone…

On the subject of sexual confusion, it has come to Our (somewhat limited) attention that there is a member of the British boy band One Direction who looks EXACTLY like a Jonas Brother.  Of all the times NOT to have Attention Deficit Disorder…

How many of all y’all are now picturing Us in Angelina Jolie’s 2012 Oscar™ gown, in between Brad Pitt and a random Jonas Brother, making a leaky sex tape?  We are so very, very sorry.

As you can see, We got nothin’.  So here is the link with which you would share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, if you were so inclined: 

http://youtu.be/saxvaR85vYU

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get worse, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Speaking of one hairy leg and one smooth one, it is Gloria Swanson’s birthday.  She invented the Swanson™ TV Dinner.  We had faces then.  And they seated five. 

Try to take care of other people first today (Okay.  Hi there…which Jonas Brother are YOU?)

 — your own needs can wait, (We’re pretty sure that, as long as We can manage to stay in between Brad Pitt and this Jonas Brother, Our needs will be met just fine, ThankYouVeryMuch.)

(Apropos of nothing, we were reading an old book last night (you didn’t know We could read, did you?   Shocking, we know.), and it occurred to Us that, much as no one names their baby Adolf any more (for obvious reasons), no one names their baby Jemima, neither.  Wussup wit dat?)

(We ARE big.  It’s the pixels that got small.)

and your energy is just better directed outward.  (So you are saying that that would be energy efficient?  Because We are nothing if not green.  Even though it isn’t easy.)

(It’s like somebody ate a case of Skittles™ and projectile-vomited a whole bunch of pop culture up in here, innit?)

It’s a good time to rack up karma so you can move ahead more quickly later!  (We do not buy Our karma off the rack.)

Are you a little bit nervous about meeting someone new or starting a new venture today?  (All We want to know is, do We put Brad Pitt on the side with the smooth leg, or the hairy one?)

As soon as you shake hands with a key new person in today’s adventure, you will be able to feel right at ease.  (Give Us your paw, Jemima Jonas.)

(See how all the threads eventually weave together?  It’s like a muthafuggin’ tapestry up in heah.)

Look into their eyes,  (Did anybody else read  that with a Dracula accent?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

and you will know that everything is going to work out fine. (It just occurred to Us that we cannot name a single Jonas Brothers song.  And We’re pretty much okay with that.)

Yes, seeing is believing (Also, peeing is relieving.)

— and it is also reassuring. (Ya know what’s reassuring, speaking of peeing?  Spending time with people who actually WOULD pee on One if One were (subjunctively) on fi-yah.)

(Does anybody else smell something odd?)

As you ramp up that romantic roaming, (Always actively avoid alliteration.  Asshat.)

think about the good you can do for others. (Mmm-hmm.  We gonna have Brad Pitt’s baby.  Enough of this adoption nonsense.)

Give altruism and Cupid equal time right now. (Ah, yes, it’s time for the old Cupid stunts trick.)

The universe will look kindly on your generosity,  (Yeah.  Because The Universe is so big on kindliness.)

so volunteer your time.  (How ‘bout We just volunteer Our timepiece instead?  Here’s a fuckin’ eggtimer; let’s call it even, Jemima.)

(You just KNOW We’re gonna get stuck with the UGLIEST Jonas Brother.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

Baby, you’re a firework

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, July 05, 2012.  Happy birthday to Our American Cousin Jonetta, who turns twenty-four today.

This is the way the world ends: if you want wavy bangs, use your crimper.

 That just came to Us, unbidden, fully formed, as if We were (subjunctively) being guided.  Now We know how Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Ringo felt when they wrote The Bible.  And the Abbey Road album.

(Seriously, Micro$oft Weird™?  “Ringo” is not a word?  How do you think he feels when he sees you letting John, Paul, and George slide?  And, as if that weren’t (subjunctively) bad enough, as a spelling correction suggestion, you offer “Ingo”.  Ingo Rademacher is a soap opera actor; Ringo Starr was a fucking Beatle.  Get your priorities together, Bee-Yotch.)

We trust you all had a lovely In Depends™ day yesterday, sliding your wieners into buns and such. (Oh, relax.  Big Long Wiener Joke Day was yesterday.  Clearly today, Our e-pisstulations are being directed by A Higher Power…)

The bombs bursting in air

And the old Frigidaire

Eighty proof won’t ignite

If there’s cum in your hair…

Good heavens, We shall be speaking in tongues next!  Send Ingo Rademacher over at once!  (Yeah, but seriously…have you SEEN Ringo Starr lately?)

(See how We manage to weave all of Our threads together?  Kinda like a tapestry.  Just imagine if We actually had something to say.)

Speaking of having nothing to say, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game on Friday, July 13 and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/, but since YouPeople pay no attention to Us whatsoever, We shall just simply tell you here in big, bold letters that Our Sistah Ovella (aka BOB MASON) will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly this time around.  So get your tickets NOW, HERE:    http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809 .  Be there, or be BLANK.)

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Okay, We need to wrap this up quickly, folks.  We just found out that it is Edie Falco’s birthday, and We don’t have a THING to wear.

You have the power to succeed today (That’s the power of Pine-Sol™, baby.)

(What?)

— even if it feels like you’re losing ground. (It’s like We’re losing Our minds…)

Just keep pushing yourself. (Honey, We can’t even give it away; what the hell  makes you think anybody’s gonna PAY for it?)

Things may look dark early in the morning, (And they’ll probably look dark again once it’s night time.  AssHat.)

but by tonight you should see a glimmer of hope.  (And some soap-on-a-rope, shaped like the Pope.)

(Sorry.)

(Do they still make soap-on-a-rope?)

(Naturally, being An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really…who wants to know?), We just Googled “soap-on-a-rope” on Wikipedia.  Suffice it to say, there is a http://soaponarope.com/ for all your soap-on-a-rope needs.  (Does anyone actually have “soap-on-a-rope needs”?  And, if so, how very, very sad.))

Someone’s opportunistic tendencies are sometimes helpful for you, and sometimes a hindrance.  (On the other hand, avoid people with opportunistic infections like the plague.)

(Heh.  “Like the plague”.  See what We did there?)

Be careful not to always be standing behind them, ready to grab on to their coattails.  (Go right past their coattails and slide your wiener into their buns.)

(Ooops, sorry; that was yesterday.)

(Meanwhile, if Ingo Rademacher married Orville Redenbacher…they would most likely cancel General Hospital.)

If you get too out of practice when it comes to making your own opportunities, you won’t be able to be as independent as you might need to be in the near future. (Nope, “independent” was yesterday too.  Try to keep up.)

Step away from the big personalities today (It was the pictures that got small.)

(We had faces then.  And they seated five or six.)

(Why they never let Gloria Swanson finish that line, We’ll never know.)

(We shall pause here, to give the str8 bois a chance to figger out what We’re talking about.)

— go your own way (Make your own kind of Muzak, sling your own special schlong…)

and try to open a few doors yourself.   (Try it using your butt crack…it’s a really cool party trick.)

It will be tough, but rewarding.  (That Depends™ on how many wieners you’ve had.)

You secretly envy someone's so-called perfect relationship, but what you fail to realize is this: Nothing is as it seems. (We fail?  But right at the beginning, you told Us We would succeed.  Were We TRYING to fail?)

Problems abound, always -- don't forget that.  (No, We’re pretty sure We’re not bloody likely to forget THAT.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Take back your mink, take back your poils, what made you think that I was one of those goils?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May Twoth, 2011.  Happy birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today.  So, how about the news, eh?  Just when We expected nothing but a week of paparazzi chasing Wills and Kate about on their honeymoon, things certainly took a turn.  We Our Own Self Personally were at a photoshoot, striving to satisfy Our fans, who are constantly clamoring for a recent photograph of Ourself, when We heard the news.  In fact, today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Isn’t Constantly Clamoring A KD Lang Song was taken at the exact moment that We heard the report: they found Mamie van Doren.

We didn’t even know she was missing.

Seriously.  Such a lot of fuss for something We could have solved in two seconds with a flip through Our Rolodex™ if only someone had asked.  Not that We know Mamie van Doren personally, mind you, but, based on the principle of Six Degrees Of Making Kevin Bacon, We’re pretty sure We could lay Our dialing digits upon someone who does.

And that’s all We’ve got, folks.  Now, of course, astute readers amongst you (astute readers being much like horse whisperers, except they read stutes (which, for some peculiar reason, made Us think of They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?, which starred Jane Fonda, who was also in Klute. (Summer vacation time shares in the windmills of Our mind are still available, but going fast))) will have no doubt realized that We wouldn’t get Our hair did and get all gussied up, including Our Sunday-go-to-meeting turban, just to get Our pixture tooken. And those readers of stutes who were not in Klute (unless they are Jane Fonda (are you in here, Jane?  Hi, Jane!)) would be entirely correct. There is in fact a project in the works, but you will just have to wait to hear more about it, as We have been sworn to secrecy (and cursed with celibacy, but that’s a horse whisperer of another coloring book).

And now, just as you are pixturing Us playing Gloria Swanson’s great-granddaughter in a remake of Sunset Boulevard, here comes the HorrorScope:

You need to slow down some more today (That was Uncle Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow at the Junction.  (Jeebus Cripes, We’re old.))

— even if you feel that you are falling behind. (Oh, honey.  Have you SEEN Our behind recently?  If it falls, there’ll be Hell’s toupee. (What does that even mean?  Why would Hell wear a toupee?  You Yanks and your wacky, zany, madcap sayings.))

 It’s a good time for you to remember what is most important (Parsnips.  Particularly, pureed parsnips.)

(What?)

and to focus on that exclusively.  (Well, We’re not sure about all that.  They’re only parsnips, after all.  Yes, they’re pureed, but still.  It’s not like they’re rutabagas or anything. Really.)

With your confidence climbing to an all-time high, (We’re not so sure about that.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

your efforts will start to yield immediate results today. (Notice how she keeps mum about whether those results will be positive or negative.)

You can throw all your patience right out the window, because you won’t need it. (See also: Aries, Definition of.)

Just be aware that fast action will create some fast forward momentum, so be sure you know what direction you want to go in before opening your mouth. (TAXI!!!)

What you say goes right now, (Yeah.  Like THAT ever happens.)

so be careful what you say!  (So, wait…should We or should We not say, “Jell-O™ wrestling with Johnny Depp”?)

You don’t want to have to take back your words and appear indecisive.  (We hate Indian givers…no We don’t, We take that back.)

Patience should be your highest priority today. (Really?  What happened to “You can throw all your patience right out the window, because you won’t need it.”?   Does no one proofread this drivel?)

Rushing others to finish up doesn’t do anyone any favors. (What makes you think We want to do favors for people all of a sudden?  What did they ever do for Us?)

Give people room to breathe and you could be pleasantly surprised! (Room, shroom…give ‘em carbon monoxide to breathe, and things’ll be even MORE pleasant.)

*****************************************************************************  

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.