Oh, dem golden codpieces!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherHowDoYouHandleAHungryMan?TheManHandler™Monday,  September Ateth, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Michael who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where he can be found improving the scenery in Our very Own neighborhood, even though We Our Own Self Personally never manage to see him.

Happy Birthday also to TheLovelyAndTalented Cherry, who also turns twenty-four today, pretty much wherever Michael is.

Happy Birthday also too to Chris, who also too turns twenty-four today in New York.  New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Kelly, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Hershey.  Ya know, the one they named the highway after.

Happy belated birthday, meanwhile, to Bill, and Brian, and Debbie, and Melinda, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.

In other news, The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed!

 was SOLD OUT (and very well-received)  both Friday and Saturday nights, so if you want to curry favor with Us by showing up  (because mmmm….curried favor) get your tickets now and/or quick, fast and in a hurry: 

http://fringearts.com/event/the-waitstaff-sht-the-bed-10/

Said show also contains, speaking of LovelyAndTalented, a sketch by a former student from the sketch comedy class at which We assist, so We are herewith giving a shout-out to TheLovelyAndTalented Danny.  More on that show here:

https://www.facebook.com/events/631876713594265/

We Our Own Self Personally, meanwhile, are shrilled and ignited to be off this evening to see Tribe of Fools’ Two Street: A Tale of Star-Crossed Mummers  at The Church of the Crucifixion (which makes Us giggle every time We type it).  Finally, We will be able to stop avoiding their stellar reviews for fear of being spoiled.  Info here: 

 http://fringearts.com/event/two-street-a-tale-of-star-crossed-mummers-12/

In Functional Celebrity Penis news, Prince William’s penis continues to perform properly, as he has apparently impregnated Princess Kate once again.

Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka are now married, so presumably their penises (penii?) present perpenDICKularly.  (Heh…see what We did there?)

Speaking of gay marriage, here is a behind-the-scenes photo from tech week of La Bete  at the Arden:

This photo is theatrically historical (as well as hysterical) for documenting the first known instance in which two costumes have ever gay-married each other.

Please note that We do not purport to possess any information about the penises (penii?) of the players pictured.

*****************

Speaking of penises (penii?)  (howZZAT for a segue?), here is a flashback to Our FIRST Virgo video, the one with the naked angel:

In other other news, We have Our schedule at the Murder Mystery Factory for September.  We will be performing this Friday, September 12 and Friday, September 26.  If you are interested in seeing Us perform in same, holla at Us.  (For those naked skimmers who may not be aware, We have been promoted to A Position Of Power at the Factory, and so will be performing somewhat less.)

And heeeeerrrre’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, apparently “Web Video Star” is a thing now.  We are a “Web Video Star”, yet they never seem to list OUR birthday.

And now, as the day is galloping away from Us apace, here, in lieu of call-and-response with the AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

A warm welcome back to Madame Olivia.

Madame Olivia can see that many people enjoy your company and she urges you to keep this in mind whenever you strike up a conversation with somebody you'd like to get to know. Listen to that positive voice inside instead of the critical one that starts yammering at you. That critical voice is actually from the culture, not from you. Listen to the positive voice when you're with that person you've been thinking about. Make your move.

And now, dear Aries, let's talk about the choice that will soon present itself before you. Which way to go? Madame Olivia advises you to make a careful analysis and then do exactly as your heart tells you. This way you can satisfy your inner critic (with those incredibly high standards) and follow your instinct, which will not lead you astray.

Madame Olivia sees great energy for you around odd numbers.

It has been a pleasure being with you. Madame Olivia wishes you all the best until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                     

I woke up in love this morning

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for The Very First Hump Day Of 2013, January 9, 2013.  Happy Wednesday Addams to all you Pugsleys out there in GentleReaderLand!  No, We have no idea what We’re talking about, and We are even more confused than We are letting on, because, even though We are well aware that today is only Wednesday Addams, every time We think about tomorrow, We assume (thereby making you think of Uma Thurman’s ass) that tomorrow is Friday.  The next day, presumably, is Grizzly Adams, followed, naturally, by his son, John Quincy Adams, and his grandson, Adam Ant.

Apparently, We woke up this morning, but Our mind is still in bed.  Which should make for a very interesting e-pissode of Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope!

One of Our neighbor is playing some sort of New Age music which is about to drive Us into a coma.

We may also be a little more delusional-confusional than usional because We have spent each of the past three evenings in the company of a different attractive Gentleman Caller.  (Don’t get too excited…all three play for the wrong team.  But still…go, Us!)

The New Age music has now turned into music One might imagine hearing at a 1950s roller skating rink.  We are not so much slipping into a coma as We are going mad.

Speaking of autistic…er, artistic endeavors, here is how you would share  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:Capricorn  video with a friend.  If you are not going to share it, however, please at least refrain from attempting to thwart Our efforts to do so.  KThxBye.:

http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Today is Tricky Dick Nixon’s birthday.  Speaking of tricks with dicks, it is also Kate Middleton’s birthday.  (Is it just Us, or has it been quite a while since We’ve referenced Prince William’s penis?  Or Prince Harry naked? (Now We’re going to have to go lie down.))

Honesty is key right now  (That’s not true!)

(Sometimes, the level of the humor inhere astounds even Us Our Own Self.)

(This is not one of those times.)

— even if it means hurting someone’s feelings a little bit. (As long as you mean someone ELSE’S feelings.  (That IS what you mean, right?))

You need to make sure that you’re not just bulldozing right over them,  (Oh, sure.  As though anyone could picture Us ever driving a bulldozer.  Are We wearing a hardhat?  And plaid flannel?  Jeebus.)

but the truth is of the utmost importance now.  (And the truth, as They say, shall give you fleas.)

 (They say such peculiar things, it’s a wonder anyone still listens.)

Music, art and culture make for an excellent escape, (As does random indiscriminate sex.  Or so We’ve heard.)

so keep these pastimes in mind when someone or something starts bugging you today.  (They already said, the future’s so bright, you got to wear fleas.  Which doesn’t make any sense.  Maybe They said “fleece”…”the future’s so bright, you got to wear fleece”.)

(Nobody actually WEARS fleece, do they?)

(Mary had a little lamb

Whose fleece was white as snow

It tasted so delicious

That she ate herself some mo’.)

(Why no one lets Us babysit their chirren, We’ll never know.)

Stepping outside of your everyday world and focusing on something that is all about expressing someone else’s ideas is a tonic for your soul.  (Our soul would like a GIN and tonic, ThankYouVeryMuch.)

Someone else’s point of view on your particular romantic conundrum (Does anyone else get “conundrum” and “pudenda” mixed up?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

can help you out of this latest pickle. (Meanwhile, “conundrum” and “pickle” aren’t even remotely the same thing.)

Don’t be stubborn; (“Stubborn” would be Taurus…We are Aries; We’re impatient.  Try reading your Astrology For AssHats book a little more often, Kelli.)

ask for their take on it — and be sure you listen to and consider the advice. (Why would you ever take anyone’s advice?  If they’re giving it away, it means THEY’RE not using it.)

(This just in:  We have just been retweeted on Twatter by Joshua Morrow of The Young and the Rest of Us, for informing him that ninjas?  Should not wear corduroy.  Top THAT, mere mortals.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

Rita Hayworth gave good face

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for MoaningMonday, January 9, 2012.  In a fit of industry this weekend, We took down Our Twissmas Twee just ONE DAY after The Feast Of The Epiphany (why dat betch gess her own feass, We ain’t gots no damn idea (Who the hell let Sucretia in here?  Mitochondria, lock the door!  Saliva, call the POlice!)), which would be the earliest We have ever done such a thing since We started erecting (ahem) a twee.

Nice weather We’re having, though.

Is it just Us, or was there enough comedy in that first paragraph to last the entire week?

Meanwhile, poor Himself.  If he’s not having the recurring nightmare in which he still has to report to the EAC every day, despite having been made redundant and earning no salary, then he’s having the recurring nightmare about going back to school and having to take the final for a class he’s never attended, or the recurring nightmare about being stuck on top of some high place and unable to get down.  It’s a wonder he still has the balls to go to sleep at all.  Fortunately, there’s no shortage of balls around here.

In other news, whatever is going on in The Heavens, it is clearly a full moon on the WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning, as the cray-crays are out in full force.

And to top it all off, Kristy McNichol is a lesbian.  Who saw THAT coming?  Well, apparently not all those people who are saying, “Who the fuck is Kristy McNichol?”

Speaking of Aretha Franklin’s hat, go watch this:

 And share it with your friends:

http://youtu.be/qQ4zUrLmBPg

Meanwhile, it occurs to Us that Kristy McNichol and Meredith Baxter Birney were both on Family, and have both come out as lesbians.  Sada Thompson always struck Us as a little butch as well…One wonders what Charlene Tilton would have to say about all of that.  Alternatively, The HorrorScope:

(OMG, this just in, it is apparently Kate Middleton’s birthday!  How We managed to be uninformed of this fact until this very moment, We haven’t got any idea!  Of course, We’ve heard precious little out of The Royals since the nuptials…Her Royal Heinie Princess Kate must be pounding the Princely Pony morning, noon, and night.  Anorexic bitch.)

Your family is even more important to you than usual today, (And yet, We don’t see any of them doing Our chores or running Our errands.  Chop, chop, people!  This house ain’t gonna clean itself!)

so make sure that you’re listening carefully (Sorry, what?)

and letting them know you’re there for them. (No, We are HERE for them.  Being THERE would require that We move.)

You can score some major points!  (Especially if Prince Harry is the goalie.  Scrum, Bay-Bee, scrum!)

(That’s a rugby word, ya know.  We would tell you what it means, but there are ladies present. Use your imaginations.)

Can’t decide whether to take the plunge on a big purchase, a new relationship or another potentially perilous venture?  (That sentence was just one P shy of being alliteratively annoying.  Asshat.)

(Heh. She said “pee shy”.  By the seashore.)

You may be acting too cautiously (So We should be careful not to do that?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

— beware of second-guessing yourself.  (But what if Our first guess was wrong?)

Right now, you might as well jump right into the deep end!  (That’s what Princess Kate said to her hubby on their wedding night.)

(That was a little buggery joke.  The Brits love buggery jokes.  (What’s that?  You don’t, you say?  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.))

Have the courage to face whatever happens, (Starzina Starfish-Browne gives good face.)

and more importantly have confidence in yourself. (We are wearing Depends™.)

Hesitation and diffidence will only cause important opportunities to pass you by. (To say nothing of their knockers.  (No, really…say NOTHING.))

Today you might feel the urge to be reflective. (Wow.  That’s heavy.  Really heavy.  We’ll have what she’s smoking.)

Allow yourself some time to think about the past, but only for a small amount. (All things considered, We’d rather think about the pasta.)

The longer you loiter on memory lane, the harder it will be to be mindful of the present.  (“Loiter” is a peculiar word, no?  Loit…loiter…loitest… appears as though it should be related to “toilet”…okay, never mind.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

                            

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, May 03, 2011.  Happy birthday to Deborah, who turns twenty-four today.  So.  Wills and Kate are still married, Osama bin Laden is still dead, Johnny Depp still won’t return Our phone calls, what’s new TODAY?

Not much. Here at Casa de CrapHole, Our brand new SmartAss Phone has decided that it is, in fact, SO smart that it can make decisions on its own. So it has taken to calling people randomly, of its own accord.  (It’s a cell phone, it doesn’t have a cord; try to keep up.)  Another thing it has decided is that Cathy, Catherine, and Kathleen are all the same person. This will no doubt come as quite a surprise to those three ladies.  We don’t know about you, but, back when We obtained Our first cell phone, which We carted about in a wheelbarrow, We made entries into the contact directory on a first name basis.  Thus, an entry would be “Cathy 123-456-7890”, not “Cathy LastName 123-456-7890” or “LastName, Cathy 123-456-7890”.  The Last Name field was reserved for qualifiers, i.e. “Cathy Home”, “Cathy Cell”, “Cathy Work”.  Should We acquire the number of a second Cathy, her first name would be entered as “Cathy X”, where “X” was the first letter of her last name (or as many letters as were required to distinguish her from Original Recipe Cathy).

(Is it just Us, or does the word “Cathy” start to look really peculiar when you type it that many times in a row?)

How this phone has the audASSity to violate Our brilliant system is entirely beyond Us.  But, when Cathy called Us yesterday, SmartAss Phone promptly identified her as Kathleen.  Which is not the same name at all, and starts with a completely different letter, and We would never call Kathleen “Cathy”, (or, presumably, “Kathy”).  All of the Cathy numbers, and Catherine, are now lumped together under “Catherine” and repeated under “Kathleen”.  (How SmartAss Phone decides what name to display when the same number is listed under two names is a mystery to Us.)  And, since the only number We recognize is Cathy Home, We have no way to tease the other numbers apart.

(Remember when you used to know a couple dozen phone numbers by heart?  We can still remember Our childhood best friend’s phone number.  Now, We have to look up the number for 9-1-1.)

So, Cathy, Catherine, Kathleen, send Us your digits.  And the rest of you, as dull as this was, be glad it happened, or We’d be regaling you with tales of how We stubbed Our big toe during Sunday’s photo shoot and are about to lose Our big toenail.  Possibly with photographs.

Yes, boyz and gurrrlllzzz, Our life is That. Dull.

Here’s the HorrorScope.  There’s a nap for that.

Someone tests your patience early today (Well, We sure hope they grade on a curve.)

— but you need to show them you can take it. (We can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan…)

(What?)

It’s not as hard as you think to wait them out, as things are sure to get better in the very near future.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT’S what always happens.)

Utilization is the most important thing on your mind today, (Second only to Uranus.)

so feel free to take advantage of anything you can. (We already told you, Johnny Depp won’t return Our calls.)

Creative thinking has always been your specialty, (Now if somebody would just pay Us for it.)

and today it comes in extremely handy. (Hands are lucky.  Most body parts don’t get their own adjective.  Well, there’s hearty.  And ballsy.  But livery has nothing to do with your liver. And eary isn’t spelled that way, and has nothing to do with your ears. And the army is concerned with different arms altogether.)

(There’s a reason this horoscope is so boring today.  Our phone is writing it.  (Please send help.))

A group event might seem like it’s about to run off the tracks, but some quick ideas on your part save the day. (Everybody really does love the Hokey-Pokey.)

It’s a great time to take part in your community, whether that means walking around the neighborhood or attending a town meeting. (You put Uranus in, you put Uranus out, you put Uranus in, and you shake it all about…)

Getting involved can be a gradual thing.  (Actually, once you’ve put Uranus in, there’s precious little “gradual” about it.)

Arguing could be another way for you to flirt, (Could not.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

but today you need to lay off the cage-match act. (Could We try that in English, please?)

If you are agreeable, you should get more attention than if you start a war of words. (We disagree.)

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(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.