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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, May 03, 2011.  Happy birthday to Deborah, who turns twenty-four today.  So.  Wills and Kate are still married, Osama bin Laden is still dead, Johnny Depp still won’t return Our phone calls, what’s new TODAY?

Not much. Here at Casa de CrapHole, Our brand new SmartAss Phone has decided that it is, in fact, SO smart that it can make decisions on its own. So it has taken to calling people randomly, of its own accord.  (It’s a cell phone, it doesn’t have a cord; try to keep up.)  Another thing it has decided is that Cathy, Catherine, and Kathleen are all the same person. This will no doubt come as quite a surprise to those three ladies.  We don’t know about you, but, back when We obtained Our first cell phone, which We carted about in a wheelbarrow, We made entries into the contact directory on a first name basis.  Thus, an entry would be “Cathy 123-456-7890”, not “Cathy LastName 123-456-7890” or “LastName, Cathy 123-456-7890”.  The Last Name field was reserved for qualifiers, i.e. “Cathy Home”, “Cathy Cell”, “Cathy Work”.  Should We acquire the number of a second Cathy, her first name would be entered as “Cathy X”, where “X” was the first letter of her last name (or as many letters as were required to distinguish her from Original Recipe Cathy).

(Is it just Us, or does the word “Cathy” start to look really peculiar when you type it that many times in a row?)

How this phone has the audASSity to violate Our brilliant system is entirely beyond Us.  But, when Cathy called Us yesterday, SmartAss Phone promptly identified her as Kathleen.  Which is not the same name at all, and starts with a completely different letter, and We would never call Kathleen “Cathy”, (or, presumably, “Kathy”).  All of the Cathy numbers, and Catherine, are now lumped together under “Catherine” and repeated under “Kathleen”.  (How SmartAss Phone decides what name to display when the same number is listed under two names is a mystery to Us.)  And, since the only number We recognize is Cathy Home, We have no way to tease the other numbers apart.

(Remember when you used to know a couple dozen phone numbers by heart?  We can still remember Our childhood best friend’s phone number.  Now, We have to look up the number for 9-1-1.)

So, Cathy, Catherine, Kathleen, send Us your digits.  And the rest of you, as dull as this was, be glad it happened, or We’d be regaling you with tales of how We stubbed Our big toe during Sunday’s photo shoot and are about to lose Our big toenail.  Possibly with photographs.

Yes, boyz and gurrrlllzzz, Our life is That. Dull.

Here’s the HorrorScope.  There’s a nap for that.

Someone tests your patience early today (Well, We sure hope they grade on a curve.)

— but you need to show them you can take it. (We can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan…)


It’s not as hard as you think to wait them out, as things are sure to get better in the very near future.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT’S what always happens.)

Utilization is the most important thing on your mind today, (Second only to Uranus.)

so feel free to take advantage of anything you can. (We already told you, Johnny Depp won’t return Our calls.)

Creative thinking has always been your specialty, (Now if somebody would just pay Us for it.)
and today it comes in extremely handy. (Hands are lucky.  Most body parts don’t get their own adjective.  Well, there’s hearty.  And ballsy.  But livery has nothing to do with your liver. And eary isn’t spelled that way, and has nothing to do with your ears. And the army is concerned with different arms altogether.)

(There’s a reason this horoscope is so boring today.  Our phone is writing it.  (Please send help.))

A group event might seem like it’s about to run off the tracks, but some quick ideas on your part save the day. (Everybody really does love the Hokey-Pokey.)

It’s a great time to take part in your community, whether that means walking around the neighborhood or attending a town meeting. (You put Uranus in, you put Uranus out, you put Uranus in, and you shake it all about…)

Getting involved can be a gradual thing.  (Actually, once you’ve put Uranus in, there’s precious little “gradual” about it.)

Arguing could be another way for you to flirt, (Could not.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

but today you need to lay off the cage-match act. (Could We try that in English, please?)

If you are agreeable, you should get more attention than if you start a war of words. (We disagree.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.