Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, May 19, 2011. He’s making a list, and checking it twice; He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice…Jeebus Cripes is coming to town. He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows who you’re sleeping with, He knows you like buttsecks with toys…
Ooops…sorry. We got all caught up for a second there in The Rapture Holiday Spirit. Caroling, as it (subjunctively) were. (Who is this “Carol” of whom you speak, and how did she become a verb? (It was Rapture Time, and everyone was feeling Merry, so she went home.)) We would wassail as well, but why?
Hmmm. It would appear that that’s one that takes a little while to sink in, so We’ll let you try it again, all on its own this time:
We would wassail as well, but why?
Heh. We kill Us.
Meanwhile, it occurs to Us that Carol Channing would make a rather excellent verb, as would, albeit to a lesser extent, Carol Burnett. These are the sorts of passing thoughts that pass through what passes for Our mind.
At any rate, this is the last time We’ll be able to discuss The Rapture before it actually doesn’t happen, as tomorrow’s Erix Daily Horoscope will be entirely dedicated to Our Grand Announcement. Meanwhile, We just this very morning learned that The Rapture is totally being caused by The Ho-Ma-Seck-Shools. Yes indeed, ladies and gerbils, the religious whackadoodle wingnuts would have Us believe that Gawd is gonna destroy the world because people are having The Buttsecks. (Well, actually, because people are having The Buttsecks with people of the same gender. Presumably, people of the opposite gender having The Buttsecks is just fine and dandy, like a hard-candy Rapture. (A little Dolly Parton always brightens up the day, no?)) Yes, you see, in their particularly screwy religious universe, Gawd CHANGED HIS PLANS, because the existence of Ho-Ma-Seck-Shools having The Buttsecks CAME AS A SURPRISE to Him. Is it just Us, or does their version of Gawd sound less and less like Gawd, and more and more like a constipated Southern Baptist minister with erectile dysfunction issues?
Of course, the most disappointing thing about this whole The Rapture business is the fact that, come Sunday, all those inbred idiots who thought they were going to ascend directly into Heaven on Saturday will still BE here, trying to run things. We wouldn’t let such nutcases organize Our spice cupboard, much less run Our country, but, as the existence of Our plethora of naked skimmers attests, nobody listens to Us.
Naturally, We are well aware of the burning question on all of your minds as you prepare to ascend directly into Heaven. (“Naturally”, that is, because We are psychic. Also psycho, but that doesn’t impact on the wisdom tooth that is this particular discussion.) That question being, of course, is there Erix Daily Horoscope in Heaven? And the answer is, of course there is. Gawd doesn’t need to read it, naturally, since He already knows what’s on what’s left of Our mind, but the Virgin Mary is a big fan, and frequently prints out excerpts and posts them on her refrigerator.
And now, unless you actually want Us to delve further into the concept of the Virgin Mary’s refrigerator, the HorrorScope:
Try to make the most of your contacts today (What? They’re suddenly gonna give Us x-ray vision? (Those In The Know will want to go back and read that a la “you want I should do a bubble dance?”))
— you can make great progress if you try! (Nice werq if you can get it, and you can get it if you try. (Our life is really just one big musical comedy. Kind of like Glee, except with old people.))
It may be that someone you’d never suspect has a job prospect or something even bigger in mind for you. (There’s gotta be something better than this, there’s gotta be something better to do…)
(Can We sustain this “every response is a song lyric” gimmick We seem to have started? (Can the naked skimmers play Name That Tune by farting on a kazoo? (Now THERE’S a reality television show We’d tune into. Move over, American Idol.)))
If it feels as though the time to tackle a tough task has finally come, (That makes Us want to say “tickle a taffy tusk”. Which is not, of course, a song lyric. So sit on Our happy face.)
today is the day to gear up for it. (No day but today.)
(Not only, you will notice, is every response a song lyric, but the songs are all from musicals. And, with the exception of “Nice Work If You Can Get It”, which is from a movie musical (We just looked it up), all from Broadway musicals. There is, apparently, a Ho-Ma-Seck-Shool in da house.)
It looks bigger than it really is, (Hmm. We’re pretty sure We don’t know a Broadway musical song about penis size.)
probably because you’ve been putting it off for so long. (Farewell, auf wiedersehn goodbye.)
Use the courage you’ve been mustering up to make a plan and get more people on board. (For Our choo-choo honeymoon.)
If you need any type of assistance, the folks you need to be there will be there — with bells on. (And all We can say is, if We were (subjunctively) a bell, We’d be ringing.)
You have a vision to follow — all the way into a new era in your life. (To life, to life, l’chaim!)
You are driven for success in all aspects of your life — including romance. (A fine romance, with no kisses.)
When you see today’s opportunity, don’t hesitate — you know exactly what to do to turn a flirty glance into something deeper. (No pain could be deeper, no life could be cheaper.)
(Oddly enough (for Us, anyway), not a Sondheim lyric in the bunch. Okay, kidz, We’re outtie. See ya on the flip side for Our big announcement!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.