Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, May 25, 2011. Happy Hump-A-Day Miss Jane Hathaway. (Now THERE’RE two things that don’t belong in the same sentence together. Of course, as an Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know, We had just perforce to look up Miss Nancy Kulp, who would, it turns out, were she (subjunctively) still alive, be ninety this year. She was, apparently, in her later life, an out lesbian. Quelle surprise. (Didja hear the one about the Polish lesbian? She liked men.))
Speaking of later in life, We are having difficulty assessing whether We are sick with a cold, or whether We have developed allergies this late in life. Is it possible to be allergic to menopause?
Apparently, some of Our Gentle Readers were disturbed by Monday’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Buddy Ebsen Irene Ryan Max Baer Donna Douglass (hark, a theme emerges). So, to soothe your nerves, We have chosen a much more tranquil image today. It is a still life entitled “Still Our Life”. Enjoy.
Speaking of enjoy, the deafening silence in response to Our latest autistic endeavor makes Us wonder if some of you out there have neglected to pay your YouTube bill. We realize that We are a brilliant and glamorous artiste who makes it all look effortless, but trust Us, there were efforts involved. Are said efforts so unworthy of comment? Did someone move your “Like” button? Has it occurred to no one that We have given you a gift that keeps on giving, which you could cheerfully slap onto the SitOnMyFaceBook pages of any of your friends who are having a birthday, whether We know them or not? Don’t MAKE Us shoot this kitten.
So We were busy dreaming again last night. We had a very lovely dream, which We unfortunately don’t remember, because We woke up and went back to sleep and had a dream about going to an audition. A DANCE audition. For people in their 20s. We’re not entirely sure, but We may have been wearing a headband. In case you were wondering if it is possible to wake up embarrassed, it is.
We don’t recall who sent Us to the audition in the dream, but We were told that it was for dancers in their 20s after arriving there by two actors whom We only know in Our dreams. (By “whom We only know in Our dreams”, We don’t mean like, say, Johnny Depp, whom We don’t know in real life, but might (ahem) have dream about, but rather two actors who, to the best of Our knowledge, do not actually exist in real life, but have been recurring characters in Our dreams for some time now.)
Does this happen to you, too, or are We just out of what’s left of what used to pass for something resembling Our mind? For example, there is a wonderful restaurant that We’ve only ever been to in Our dreams, and often We try to take people there (in Our dreams) but We can’t always find it. Not because We’re geographically challenged, but because you have to go through several other restaurants to get there.
Oh, dear. We can see you edging for the door and surreptitiously dialing the authorities. Let’s change the subject, shall We?
James van der Beek has a really large head, no?
How about a horoscope?
Messages aren’t always clear, (Massages, alternatively, are often queer.)
and on a day like today, (On a clear day, you can’t see the weather…)
(Kiss Us quick, We’re Barbra Streisand.)
it might feel as if you’re in a foreign film without subtitles. (Or a domestic film without subtleties.)
(See what We did there?)
Just smile and nod and press on (Smile and Nod and Press On Your Nails…that’s the title of Our memoirs. No word yet on the subtitles. But expect a complete lack of subtleties.)
— if anything is really important, you’ll hear about it later. (Later than everyone else, you mean. Sigh.)
People do not always practice what they preach, (They do invariably, however, cactus what they screech.)
(No. We’ve no idea. Move on.)
and it might seem as though someone has an ulterior motive when she or he makes a huge effort to help others today. (God humps those who hump themselves.)
(What does that even MEAN?)
This person’s enthusiasm might not make any sense to you right now, (Enthusiasm in general doesn’t make any sense to Us right now.)
but that doesn’t necessarily mean that anything fishy is going on. (Animals as Adjectives: crabby, catty, ducky, horsy, assy.)
Keep mum about your suspicions for now, and wait at least until the afternoon before sounding any alarm bells. (It IS the afternoon. PANIC!!!)
Being a tattletale isn’t really your style, anyway. (We shall report you to the authorities for saying that.)
Real issues need real answers. (Also, real ballrooms need real dancers. What’s your point?)
If you can’t motivate yourself to start up dating again, (Oh, please. We can’t motivate Ourself to put a spoon in the dishwasher.)
then it could be time to consider seeing a professional (A dating professional? Wouldn’t that be…a prostitute?)
for a deeper look into your mental state. (Nebraska.)
You could find that the solution is simpler than you think. (Yeah. ‘Cause THAT happens.)
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.