Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, May 05, 2011. Happy birthday to The Sainted Mother, who turns twenty-four today. (Where is the time machine? It’s in the credenza. Where is the credenza? It’s in the time machine.) Also, happy birthday to Katie, who also turns twenty-four today. Also also, happy belated May The Fourth Be With You Day. (People on the WorldWideInterWebNetz were saying that all day yesterday. We STILL don’t get it. You Yanks and your wacky, zany, madcap fleeting pop culture references.) Also also also, happy belated Hump Day. (Although any hump’ll do…better late than never, We always say.) Also also also also, happy Cinco de Mayo to Our Mayan friends who like mayonnaise.
Whew! That’s a whole lotta alsos! Also also also also also like an alto lhasa apso eating Alpo™.
Our mind. It’s terrible that it’s not bigger than Our waist. This is your brain; this is your brain on drugs. Any questions? (Yes! Why are drugs so fu(king expensive?)
So We have been terribly remiss in forgetting to remember to post these pixtures that We took recently in a Souf Philly churchyard. (Why is it so easy to forget to remember, and yet so difficult to remember to forget? (That’s a little existential humor, for Our Zen Buddhist readers. Keep ‘em busy till Memorial Day, that will.)) Yes, today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Jeebus Lubs Me Dis I Know ‘Cause He Made Mark Ruffalo (We have, as We recall, discussed previously in these pages the fact that We do not find Mark Ruffalo particularly All That. However, he was the only even remotely appealing male celebrity whose name ends in -O that We could think of on short notice and who fit the meter of the song. Other suggestions are welcome) were taken shortly after Zombie Jeebus Day in a churchyard near Us. Now, leaving off the question as to why said churchyard did not immediately burst into flames when Our Jimmy Choos first set foot upon it, One still has to wonder how a zombie found its way into a Catholic churchyard. And why said zombie looks so remarkably like Bart Simpson in a Halloween costume.
The pixtures in question were taken with Our SmartAss Phone. It’s nice for the phone to have a skill to fall back on, since it so dislikes making phone calls. And, whatever your religious persuasion, you should be grateful for these pixtures, because they are once again sparing you graphic pixtures of Our maimed big toe. (They are also sparing you pixtures of Our maimed big toe doing Mame. (We have now put Our two big toes together. The maimed one is Bea Arthur, and the other one is Angela Lansbury, and they are singing “Bosom Buddies”.))
You know We’re just kidding, right? We aren’t really sitting here with Our big toes together, singing a Jerry Herman duet. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to teach harmony to a toe?
(Insert “one toe clapping” joke here.)
That was a little something for all of Our foot fetishist readers. Although One does have to stop to ponder just how many readers One could possibly have with foot fetishes involving Bea Arthur.
And, while We ponder, going blonder, as absinthe drunkens Henry Fonda, the HorrorScope:
Events are moving rapidly today (Oh, We know! Why, it’s barely ten AM, and already Our toes have staged a Broadway musical! Just imagine if We were (subjunctively) naked.)
— so much so that even you might have a hard time keeping up! (That, as they say, is what she said.)
As long as you stay focused, (Sorry…what? (Our Bea Arthur toe just segued into “The Man In The Moon Is A Lady”.))
(All of Our gay boi readers are currently picturing this in vivid color. They are, unfortunately, somewhat flummoxed by the fact that they cannot imagine what Our toe is wearing.)
all should go as planned, (This is Broadway, Missy; all should go as REHEARSED.)
and you may end up further ahead. (Well, you know what They say: any head in a storm. Let a smile be your umbrella, and don’t forget to wear your rubbers.)
They say that only two things are certain: Death and taxes. (And the corollary: dicks in Texas.)
Fortunately, you won’t be dealing with either of those now. (Well, We should hope not. It’s not even intermission yet.)
Unfortunately, you will have to deal with a lot of uncertainty. (oh, We’re not so sure about that.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
Changes will be popping up all day long (Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular?)
— expect continually revised schedules or postponed social appointments. (Expect to be mistakenly crowned Queen of Norway.)
Just go with the flow and enjoy the fact that change is constant. (You know what They say: the more things change, the more your toes do Mame.)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
In a way it’s freeing (In Norway, it’s freezing. That’s why nobody wants to be Queen.)
(Is it really funny in here this morning or is it just Us?)
— don’t let yourself get worried about a certain delay. (Tom Delay? We DO worry….is he still in prison? Is he getting laid more than We are?)
When the time is right, it will happen! (No. No, it won’t. People will just continue to waste Our time, and annoy Us to within an inch of the Days of Our Lives.)
For once, you’re not tongue-tied. (Hummmanna-hummmannna-hummmanna…)
(Oh, go back and do it like Jackie Gleason. You KNOW you want to. (Those youngsters who do not recall Mister Gleason might want to take this opportunity to teach their toes to sing “We Need A Little Christmas”.))
Let your talent for communication do all the work. (Also, let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.)
Open, easy communication is sure to clear up any misunderstandings that could get in the way of a true connection. (Alternatively, We could have Our toes sing ‘em a song.)
(Who coaxed the blues right outta the horn? MA-AME!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.