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Friday, May 6, 2011

Stand by your man

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, May 6, 2011.  According to SitOnMyFaceBook, nobody was born today.  So, by all rights, We should be taking the day off.  And yet, here We are, slaving and toiling, typing Our little fingers to the bone for YouPeople.  And do you call?  Do you write?  Do you mix up FTD and FDS and send Us feminine hygiene spray instead of flowers?  No, you do not. Sigh.

Now, in the Born Yesterday Department (and, if One looks at Our calendar for yesterday, it clearly says “Not Us”), We have already mentioned that Sinko de Mayonnaise (that, for the monoliterate monoglots amongst you, is Frawnch for Cinco de Mayo) was The Sainted Mother’s twenty-fourth birthday.  She has been Our Sainted mother for twenty-four years (hey, you measure your time-space continuum, We’ll measure Ours), and yet We only just yesterday discovered that she shares her birthday with Tammy Wynette.  We are not sure just what the significance of this factoid is, but We thought We’d pass it along. Like gas.  You’re welcome.

Also from the Born Yesterday Department, congratulations to Beth, and Jeremy, and Little Sister Penny on the birth of baby Beatrix, who now shares her birthday with Our Sainted Mother. And Tammy Wynette.  And Tina Yothers from Family Ties.  (In retrospect, perhaps We should have said “little sister Penny” without the caps.  Because with the caps, “Little Sister Penny” looks like a midget nun, no?)

For the rest of you folks who are not caught up in birthin’ babies and the dearth of birthdays (is it just Us, or is “The Dearth of Birthdays” a really good title for…something?), please direct your attention to the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Charles Schulz Is Rolling In His Grave, which come from, which is guaranteed to destroy your productivity for the remainder of the day.  You’re welcome.  AGAIN.

In still other news, We are just two weeks away from A Really Exciting Announcement.  Could you just plotz?  We know WE could.  Unfortunately (for you, anyway), it’s a secret, so don’t plotz prematurely.

And now, just in time to plug up your premature plotz, the HorrorScope:

Now is a good time to make purchases, (A better time, of course, would be when One had any money.)

especially if you are upgrading some technological gadget or tool. (You must be reading Our mail.  We went to the phone store yesterday, to complain about Our phone.  (As most of you are aware, We are to complaining what Yoko Ono is to…whatever those sounds Yoko Ono makes are.)  The PhoneStore HomoSexual gave Us a new sim card and sent Us on Our way.  Once back in OurHovelWhereWeLive, We were somewhat more able to make phone calls than We had previously been, but seemed unable to send text messages.  We hate Our phone, Our life, and that bear on the Snuggle™ commercials, but We’re no longer sure in what order.)

 Moving ahead toward the future is definitely favored in every way, (Mainly because moving back toward the past is pretty much impossible, unless One can get the time machine out of the credenza (which is in the time machine…don’t ask). Asshat.)

so don’t be shy.  (We shall give it the old college try.)

Like confetti falling all around you, there are many trivial dramas fluttering about — and they’re equally celebratory. (Ya know, if you cut a whole bunch of syllables out of that sentence, it might make a decent haiku.)

Good news is everywhere today, (Which is itself good news, no?)

but most of it will affect the people around you more than it will affect you (Oh hai, other shoe dropping.)

— so be wary of the green-eyed monster showing up when you least expect it. (Not to worry…nobody ever shows up here.)

The good fortunes of others may become downright annoying as the day continues, (Sing it, Sistah.)

but try to remember (…the corpse you dismembered/And put in the freezer/Last September…)

that good things come to those who wait, (Also, a stitch in your hand is worth two in your bush.)

and every good dog has its day.  (What the hell does that even mean?)

 If you’re having trouble breaking the ice with your latest crush, (Then you’re just not hitting it hard enough.)

try using email to get things moving. (Or, alternatively, a Fleets™ enema.)

Sometimes, simply writing down a friendly ‘hello’ is much easier than saying it in person.  (And there’s always room for Hell-O™. (What the hell are We talking about?))

Flirt with smilies! (If We ever…EVER…”flirt with smilies”, please send a battalion of ninjas to kill Us in Our sleep.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.