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Thursday, May 19, 2011

When the Moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Uranus

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, May 20, 2011.  First off, please try not to plotz from shock that this has arrived so early.  We have exercised every little shred of patience We have, which is, admittedly, not much, in a desperate effort to keep this under wraps until the appointed day.  But We just had to be sure it was out there in The Universe at the very stroke of 12:00:01AM as the appointed day arrived, so We are actually typing this at 10:40 on Thursday night.  (Like you care.)

Firstly, We must thank a number of people without whom there would be nothing to thank a number of people for. (Yes, We ended a sentence with a preposition.  We are giddily ungrammatical.  Also, We feel pretty and witty and gay.) We would like to thank Patrick in Greater Bostonia, who first caused Us to put pen to paper as Starzina.  We would like to thank MizGerreGarrett, who gave Starzina the name “Starzina”.  (Lest We besmirch her reputation, MizGerreGarrett did NOT come up with “Starfish-Browne”; that was Our Own vulgar Self.)  We would like to thank Bill P, who contributed to Ms. S-B’s haute couture.  And We would like to thank the WaitStaff, who first unleashed Starzina on an unsuspecting public in their 2008 Fringe show.

(The Royal We + The Third Person = Looney Tunes.)

Most importantly, but still a part of “Firstly” despite appearing (deservedly) in his very own paragraph, We would like to thank Joe G, who realized the entire project so beautifully and who, inexplicably, never shot Us with a tranquilizer gun.

Seconal, We would like to express Our gratitude to you, Our Gentle Readers, for being Our Gentle Readers.  Also, We would like to thank you in advance for spreading this project like manure on your back forty (what?).  Got a friend with a Gemini birthday?  Send ‘em this video.  Got a friend with a non-Gemini birthday?  Send ‘em this video.  Know Johnny Depp or Prince Harry personally? Send ‘em this video.

Thirstily, We would like to reiterate Our Seconal point, and add that We are even more desperate than the proverbial two-bit whore.  Which presumably makes Us a one-bit whore, although, two bits being a quarter, We’re not quite sure how the change-making aspect of it goes, but We’re a bright girl, and We’ll figger it out.  This is going to be a monthly feature here at Erix Daily Horoscope, so if you’ve got a friend whose name you’d like mentioned in the next installment’s birthday wishes, let Us know.  Likewise, any other feedback will be graciously appreciated, subject to the approval of Cecil B de Joe G.

To recap:

1.    Thanks.

2.    Send this video to everyone you know, and some people you don’t.

3.    Then send it to some more people.

Ladies and genitals, the long-anticipated greatly-awaited partially-constipated:

Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscopes: Gemini 2011

(In case you have Technological Issues, here is the direct YouTube link: )

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.