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Monday, May 16, 2011

And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May 16, 2011.  Happy belated Friday the 13th to Juan Anne Doll.  As those of you who were not nakedly skimming no doubt noticed (There are three “no”s so far in this sentence…are triple negatives grammatically correct? (In the age of digital photography, does anyone even know what a negative is?)  Of COURSE they are; this is OUR life; the negatives just keep on piling on.), there was a little glitch in Bloggonia on Thursday/Friday, and Google’s blogspot went down like a cheap whore for umpteen and eleventy-twelve hours.  It has since recovered, and had damn well better stay that way, as We have an announcement forthcoming on Friday that will change the face of Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulism) for Good Anne Doll Jane Goodall Morris Udall Joan Blondell Arlene Dahl.

(“Umpteen” = “a word”.  “Eleventy” = “not a word”.  “Went down like a cheap whore” = “a colorful simile of staggering brilliance”.  As you were.)

Our announcement will be just in time, coming as it does on Rapture Eve.  One day later, and people would be too busy ascending directly into Heaven to pay any attention to Little Old Us.  (As a public service, We shall at this juncture point out that there are only five more shopping days till The Rapture.  We Our Own Self Personally have, of course, finished Our Rapture shopping and wrapped all of Our Rapture presents, which We will put under the Rapture tree as soon as We finish trimming it later today. (Meanwhile, when all these religious whackadoodle wingnuts are still here come Sunday, meaning they haven’t Raptured any damn where, can they please shut their stupid ignorant moronic mouths and stop trying to run the gummint?  KThxBye.))

Here at Casa de CrackWhore, We are just a leetle cranky this morning.  (Jimmy smokes crack, and I don’t care… (Who said that?)) Partially We are under the weather (which, as you will have noticed, is total pants), and partially We are annoyed as We have a somewhat Sisyphean task to perform.  (Actually, We are misusing Sisyphus here….Sisyphus knew how to do his task; he just kept having to do it over and over.  We have no idea how to do Ours, but, if We get it done, which We don’t know how to do, We’ll only have to do it once, but We don’t know how, so chances of it happening are Virginia Slims Nuns.  We are not, however, editing Sisyphean out, because using words like “Sisyphus” and “Sisyphean” might delude some of you into thinking We are smart, unless you also happened to notice “Virginia Slims Nuns”, in which case you will be drawing up commitment papers.).

We could continue to wax poetical, or We could start the HorrorScope, so We can finish and get started with The Task We Know Not How To Do.  Alternatively, We could wax the carrot somewhere in between.  Whatevs.

It occurs to Us that We have been remiss in mentioning Himself’s endeavors (or, indeed, come to think of it, Himself), so We should point out that, following their critically acclaimed sold-out performance at Helium Comedy Club in March, the WaitStaff Sketch Comedy Strormtroopers will triumphantly return to same on June 1th, and would love to see you there.  Further info can be found here:  Tickets here:

Perhaps if Himself would get his lazy ass out of bed, he could help Us with The Task We Know Not How To Do.  However, We are fairly sure that he is even more clueless than We are.

The HorrorScope:

You’re stuck in an uncomfortable situation — watch out for reality show cameras! (Oh, please.  Reality television would be a step up around here.  C’mon over, We’ll eat a bug.)

It may end up being hilarious or just stupid, (Those two are not mutually exclusive, ya know.  We are living proof. (Also, We are wearing a Living Girdle™. (Well, We aren’t really, but We should be.)))

but at least you can take solace in the fact that it’s over quickly.  (Or, you could take Colace™ and poop like a champion.)

 All the shopping and adventure-seeking you’ve been up to lately has sure been fun, but it has also done quite a job on your budget. (Do people who keep budgies have a budgie budget?  Do people who wear wedgies have wedgie widgets?  And what if those same people are midgets?)

(It’s a cry for help, people.)

(Since obviously no one is going to help Us, We are left to contemplate why Micro$oft Weird™ grants wordhood to “wedgies” but not “wedgie”.  People who only have one leg enjoy stylish footwear too.)

(Is anyone else now picturing a one-legged person wearing a wedgie?  Is the person you are picturing engaged in a three-legged race, or is that just Us?)

(Meanwhile, why does Micro$oft Weird™ not grant wordhood to “wordhood”?)

 The rainy-day fund isn’t getting any bigger on its own (Wait…We’re expected to PAY for this weather?!?)

… it might be time to face the fact that you need to tighten your belt (Not bloody likely.  Muumuus don’t HAVE belts.)

and kiss some of those fancy espresso drinks goodbye — for a little while. (Does anyone have any idea what the hell she’s nattering on about?)

A small sacrifice here and there will make a big difference over time. (Fine.  Bring Us a virgin. Or a goat.  Or a virgin goat.  (Not YOU, GoatFucker.))

Do yourself a favor by setting a savings goal — and sticking to it!  (What exactly are We supposed to be saving?  The two nickels We don’t have to rub together?  The Chuck-E-Cheez token and the Canadian dollar We found in the gutter last month?  S&H Green Stamps?)

(All of Our under-24 readers just collectively said, “What the fuck are S&H Green Stamps?”  Sigh.  Aren’t they cute?)

 Find a quiet space to ask yourself what’s really underlying your choices lately. (What, there’s a problem suddenly with “eeny, meeny, miney, moe”? (Other than what exactly We are catching by its toe these days?))

Did you turn down that last date request just because you were nervous? (Wait…someone asked Us on a date?  Where are Our hearing aids when We need them?)

Be as honest as you can, and you should make good decisions. (Alternatively, lie like a cheap rug, and you can TELL everybody you made good decisions.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.