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Monday, May 9, 2011

Found a peanut, found a peanut, found a peanut just now

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May 09, 2011. We trust that all you mothers had lovely Mothers’ Days. (You will get a much better sense of the preceding if you go back and snarl it bitchily.  Sigh.  Print is such a two-dimensional medium.  Would that there were (subjunctively) a video version of Erix Daily Horoscope.) Other than having spoken to Our Own Personal Sainted Mother, the less said about Our day, the better.

From the WorldWideInterWebNetz:  the difference between kinky and freaky is, kinky teases with a feather, while freaky uses the whole chicken.

See how right away We changed the subject there, rather than wallowing in the misery that is Our daily existence?  That there is the mark of a Highly Trained Professional.

Once again changing the subject (you’re welcome), in Our ever-vigilant pursuit of truth (to say nothing of justice and what Americans weigh), We are here to disabuse you of a persistent, prevalent notion.  To wit, there are still those people, possibly even some amongst Our very readers, who believe that the saying is actually, “Find a penny, pick it up, and all the day, you’ll have good luck.”  Nothing could be further from the truth.  (Well, actually, that’s not true; many things could be further from the truth.  However, Our point is, this particular thing is far enough from the truth that it is patently false.) Why, in the month of April alone, We Our Own Self Personally found not one, not two, but THIRTY-FIVE pennies.   Also, seven dimes, a nickel, a quarter, a Canadian dollar, and a Chuck-E-Cheez™ token.  And We picked them all up.  And Our “luck” in the month of April?  Our Pay-Pal account was hacked, Our invitation to the Royal Wedding was lost in the mail, and We discovered that they no longer make Chicken Tonight™ in this country. Also, We learned that David Cassidy had turned sixty-one, Our Conchata Ferrell support group failed, and We obtained Satan’s SmartAss Phone From The Left Side Of Hell, which has been plotting against Us since it was brought onto these premises.

“Find a penny, pick it up, and all the day, you’ll have good luck”?  Not so much. The ACTUAL saying is, “Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long, you’ll fuck a duck.”

Meanwhile, do any of YouPeople know where We can trade in a Canadian dollar for real money?  Or what a Chuck-E-Cheez™ token is worth?


It has, naturally, come to Our attention that there are those Gentle Readers who doubt the verisimilitude of Our anecdotes here at Erix Daily Horoscope.  And, while We certainly are not averse to the occasional exaggeration for comic effect, We would like to point out that virtually every story told within these pages has its roots in truthiness.  For instance, in the month of April, We did in fact find on the street every single coin mentioned above, including the Chuck-E-Cheez™ token.  Our Pay-Pal account WAS hacked, We did NOT receive an invitation to the Royal Wedding, and they DO NOT any longer make Chicken Tonight™ in this country.  Further, David Cassidy DID turn sixty-one, what could a Conchata Ferrell support group do BUT fail, and the less said about Our phone, the better.

In other news, for those Trusting Gentle Readers who believe everything We say, bless your hearts, lest you have read the preceding paragraph in vain, We shall point out that “verisimilitude” is the Erix Daily Horoscope Word Of The Day Du Jour, and also that We are as shocked as you are that Micro$oft Weird™ accepted “truthiness” as a word.

See how well We are keeping the subject changed from those things that are making Us want to climb a belltower with an Uzi?  Well, except for, ya know, mentioning it now…

Oh, look!  The HorrorScope!

Use that creative energy you’ve got going on right now (Jigga WHAT?)

to make a serious dent in your to-do list (Oddly enough, this is one of those days when the first thing on Our to-do list, if We had one, would be “make a to-do list”.  Which is why We don’t have one.  Because there’s no to-do list to tell Us to make a to-do list, so We have nowhere to write “make a to-do list”.)

(How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?  Strawberry.)

— or to blow it off entirely (NOW you’re talkin’!)

and try something new!  (Like sentences ending with exclamation points!  Yay!  False senses of excitement!  Kill Us now!)

(Since when is “yay” not a word?  Shut up, Micro$oft Weird™.)

You should feel great about whatever you decide to do. (So We SHOULD climb a belltower with an Uzi?)

 Another spurt of creativity hits you today (Not in the eye, We hope.  That shit BURNS.)

— this could be the beginning of a very productive period, (Always™.  Have a very productive period…nope, just doesn’t have the same ring to it.)

so make the most of it. (Is that like making a mountain out of a molehill?  Is that the most you could make out of a molehill?  Or is there more?  Could you make a VOLCANO out of a molehill?  Or would you have to make a volcano out of a volehill?  Is there even such a thing as a volehill?  If there is, Micro$oft Weird™ is obviously insisting that it be “vole hill”, unlike “molehill”, which is all one word.)

(And We wonder why We spend entire weekends alone.)

Concentrate on output (Everybody poops.)

 — quantity is more important than quality. (Then We may already be the winner.)

Resist the temptation to edit yourself, (Have you READ an Erix Daily Horoscope recently?)

because the nuttier the idea, (The more likely you heard it here first?)

the more likely it will spawn another, more doable plan. (Or that.)

A family member may have an unusual request  (Clearly, you have met Our family.)

— is this a battle you really want to fight? (That depends…do they have an Uzi as well?)

Give them what they need for now and you’ll be paid back later.  (Well, tomorrow IS Tuesday, so they could have a hamburger today.)

(Did We really just make a Popeye pop culture reference?  Have you sent someone over to kill Us yet?)

If you feel stressed, you’re not taking good care of yourself. (Oh, sure.  We have to do everything Ourselves.  Stick a broom up Our ass and We’ll sweep the floor while We’re at it.)

(We’ll pause here, for those of you who like to viZZZualize.  You’re welcome.)

Carve out a chunk of time to do absolutely nothing. (We already have.  It’s called “this century”.)

Just lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling. (Don’t tell Us what to do.)

Think about what comes next and then make your move. (Pawn to Queen’s Bishop Seven. (Don’t ask Us where that came from.  We haven’t played chess since David Cassidy was a boy. (And Chastity Bono was a girl. (Ba-DUMP-bump.))))

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes: )
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really.  She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman.  At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.  There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.  Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.