Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monday, May 30, 2011. Happy belated birthday to Deb, who turned twenty-four on Friday. And happy birthday to Josh, who turns twenty-four today. And happy Memorial Day to Our readers who remember stuff. Unlike Our Own Self, who has a mind like a steel sieve. We just popped in to see what condition Our condition was in, and to say “hello”, as We realized that We gave you short shrift last week. Although We would assume that a short shrift would be better than no shrift at all, if, of course We had any idea what the hell is a “shrift”.
Said less-lengthy-than-usual shrift (it occurs to Us that there was a boy in Our high school whose last name was Shrift. We have no recollection whatsoever about the lengthiness of his shrift, or the lack thereof) was due to a visit from The Sainted Mother, which began on Thursday. We spent some of her time here touring historical stuff. Of which there is, of course, an abundance in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. And that’s not even counting Us Our Own Self Personally. We are most definitely Historical Stuff, although We haven’t been toured in what seems like decades.
Once again, Our shrift appears to have shrunk. The next two weeks are going to be crazy-busy, with several deadlines whizzing at Us like whizzy things that whizz. Capped off with jury duty, because apparently We didn’t scream “Off with their heads!” loudly enough the LAST time We had jury duty. However, at some point in that two-week period, there will occur a Very Important Announcement, which will no doubt cause your shrifts to swell with excitement.
In the meantime, please get your tickets NOW for The WaitStaff’s Real Housewives of South Philly at Helium Comedy Club at 8PM Wednesday, June 1th: https://www.seatengine.com/venue/helium-comedy-club/event/471
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Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s of the world, unite!
Kick back (If they kick Us, We will assuredly kick them back.)
and enjoy the fruits of your labors today (To say nothing of Our Fruit-of-the-Looms™. Also, Jacqueline Bissett, the fruit of Our womb, Jeebus.)
(It’s a holiday; leave Us alone.)
— even if it feels as if you need to keep working. (Oh, please. Just trying to purchase the winning PowerBall™ ticket is a full-time jawb.)
It’s far better for you to let today move at its own pace, and take care to appreciate the small things. (Are you mocking Our shrift? Fu(king size queen.)
A big test of your patience will come in the form of a rather demanding person today. (Okay, We? Are an Aries. If Our patience has to take a test, it will fail. It did not study, the dog ate its homework, and it has ADD.)
But don’t worry (Sorry…what?)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
— the universe has loaded you up (Was that a fat joke? (Could the gargantuan size of Our ass possibly make up for Our short shrift?))
with an extra supply of tolerance, (Oh, great. So now We have to shoot up twice as much heroin.)
so you will be prepared for whatever comes your way. (Which will, naturally, be nothing. As usual.)
None of your feathers can get ruffled right now, (It is NOON, fercrissakes. That is FAR too early for a boa, unless you are Eva Gabor. And, last We checked, We were not Eva Gabor. (Although, come to think of it, We didn’t test for Zsa Zsa.)))
so it might be the perfect time (Yeah. Because “Our life” and “the perfect time” so frequently go together.)
to have that conversation you’ve been putting off with a relative. (We realize that We lost most of you back at “test for Zsa Zsa”. Because who could ever possibly imagine what a “test for Zsa Zsa” would be? Certainly not Us. And Our imagination, she is fertile. Though Our shrift is short.)
Your criticism shields are nearly impenetrable, so a long lecture is something you’ll be able to tolerate easily today. (Ya know what would be better, though? No lecture at all.)
Your unique perspective inspires those around you to be more creative in their everyday activities. (Of course it does. Just look at all those “So-and-So’s Daily Horoscopes” springing up, like upspringy things that spring up in the Spring..)
Use this ability to influence people to your best advantage. (Back in the day, We were a “Disturbing Influence”. We should probably get a T-shirt made.)
Spend time with someone you like so they can find a new way to be. (How does “at Our beck and call” strike you?)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.