La Vie en Rose… La Vie Boheme… La Vida Loca

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WhenceDay, December 19, 2012.  Happy Hump Day to all those of you who are taking time out of your Christmas shopping for Us to hump like the rutting pigs you are.  Also, if next week does in fact arrive, Happy One-Week-Till-Boxing-Day.  Yes, ladies and genitals, if the Apocalypse doesn’t happen now, in just one week, Christmas will be Christmas past, so you’d better be buying Us excellent Christmas presents.

Tense Christmas tenses having been dispensed with, We are eagerly looking forward to having Justin Bieber over for New Years Eve so We can watch his balls drop.

And now, because antici………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..pation is more than half the fun (as Carly Simon (or was it Carole King?)) sang to a ketchup bottle once…

Sorry…what passes for Our mind just went off on about eight different digressions at once, so We thought We’d break a few of them out into their very own paragraph.

First of all, We were certain We’d had this Carly King/Carole Simon issue before, and due to the miracle of modern technology, We were able to lay Our hands upon the very excerpt.  And, all the way from March 2010, here it is:

(So, how’s your Holy Week treatin’ ya so far? Crazy March…in like a line dancer, out like a lambada. But at least it’s spring, and We can feel Our Own Personal motivations being motivated like motivators, motivationally. (We can also feel the earth. Move. Under Our feet. And the sky tumblin’ down, tumblin’ down. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Carole King. (Full disclosure: We initially typed “Kiss Us quick, We’re Carly Simon.” Remind Us again why these are two separate people?)))

In other news, We were also fairly certain We’d addressed the “ketchup/catsup” conundrum previously, but that was a little more difficult to unearth.  So here, from three completely different e-pissodes of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  is every mention We’ve ever made of that particular condiment:

They’ll catch up. (But will they ketchup?  Or catsup?  And what, really, is the difference?)

Also, it is Henry John Heinz’s birthday.  He invented Heinz ketchup.  Do you want fries with that?

Apropos of nothing, urban dictionary would like us to know that “shaking the ketchup bottle”  is a euphemism for masturbation.

The things We do for YouPeople…meanwhile, having done said things, Our other digressions have gone completely out of Our heads (except for the one where We started talking about anticipation right after We said We were looking forward to Justin Bieber’s balls dropping.  But We’re gonna keep that one to Ourselves.  (You’re welcome.))

At any rate, when all this started (which now feels like it may have been somewhere in the Late Middle Triassic Period), We were gearing all y’all up to begin anticipating tomorrow’s Very Special E-Pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, which will contain an early Winter Solstice Apocalypse HannaChristmaKwaanzakkah present Just For You.  So begin anticipating…NOW!

While you are anticipating, here is the link with which you would share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius video with your friends:

http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y            

This just in from Helen Keller’s Twitter account:

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Never saw the point in wet floor signs. I'm gonna end up on the ground either way.

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

New staring contest champion!

Helen Keller ‏@Helen_KelIer

Lol but no seriously, where the hell am I...

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Edith Piaf’s birthday today.  It is a little-known Edith Piaf fact that she always wanted to enter the Pillsbury™ Bake-Off, but she was afraid she’d do the wrong thing.

(We are A Highly Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.)

You need to slow down and do as little as possible today  (Well, you don’t have to tell Us twice.)

— even if your plans feel urgent! It’s just a bad time for lots of action, as the environment favors slow, deliberate movement.  Try to relax and just clear your mind of negative things today. This isn’t about ignoring real problems you may be confronted with, it’s about learning how to let go of worry and let yourself focus on more productive things — things that you can control. Because there are just too many things in your life that you just can’t do anything about, and if you spend all your time distracted by them, you’ll only frustrate yourself. You can be happy if you really want to be.  It’s a perfect day for you to nest, recuperate and generally treat yourself right. Head out for a walk or brunch with a friend, then go for some serious rest and relaxation. It should do your heart good.

(BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!  See what We did there?)

 (You’re Your-O-Scopes:

 

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.

                                                                                                                                    

I’m coming out…I want the world to know (We’re pretty sure they knew already)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, October 11, 2012.  We continue to wait, not unlike Miss Havisham, for the handyman, but the handyman, much like Godot, but unlike the iceman, cometh not, the handyman can because he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.

Goddammit, We can put Charles Dickens, Samuel Beckett, Eugene O’Neill, and Sammy Davis Jr. all in the same quasi-logical sentence, and STILL We are single?  Oh, the humanity!

In other news (of which We have precious little, except that Our wedding dress is growing moldy, and there’s a cobweb in Our armpit (that right there was the Cliff Notes for the first seventeen chapters of Great Expectations. Fucking paid-by-the-word hack)), We have an aunt who is in her eighties, who enjoys forwarding the occasional email on a variety of topics, from the political to the look-at-this-cute-puppy, with even the stray ribald joke thrown in from time to time.  Yesterday, she sent one whose subject line was “You have never seen a water sport like this before!!”

We are still afraid to open it.

In still other news, Happy National Coming Out Day to Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and that one guy in Twilight.

Meanwhile, the following is just two weeks away:

The WaitStaff’s Halloween Match Game Extravaganza!

 The Real Housewives of South Philly join host Gene Rayburn and the usual assortment of ding-a-lings for a kreepy, kooky, mysterious and spooky, altogether ooky Halloween edition of The Match Game!

Friday and Saturday, October 26 & 27, and Wednesday, October 31 (that's Halloween!)  All shows are at 7:30.

Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/284819

Speaking of complete non sequiturs (as opposed, presumably, to the incomplete kind), here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above):

Here’s the HorrorScope:

As We are nowhere near Our smut quota for the day, We should like to point out that apparently, Matt Bomer and Luke Perry share a birthday today.  We shall pause here, while We all imagine them sharing other things as well.

(Reading Dickens aloud to each other…what did you THINK We meant?)

(Your inner twelve-year-old will be as delighted as Ours to know that Micro$oft Weird™ autocorrected “Bomer” to “Boner”.)

Also, it is Henry John Heinz’s birthday.  He invented Heinz ketchup.  Do you want fries with that?

You’ve got creative energy to spare right now  (To say nothing of farts.)

(Seriously…how long has it been since We’ve had a fart joke in here?)

— so toss off a few of your hot ideas (Heh.)

to those in need.  (The joke We would like to put here is being thwarted by Our inability to spell a fart noise.  #FunnyPeopleProblems)

You may find that you rise in their esteem;  (Or something steamy, anyway.)

generosity is sure to be rewarded today.  (Generously?)

Your resources are feeling a bit pinched lately — either you don’t have enough money, (Sing it, Sistah!)

or you don’t have enough time to get your latest goal accomplished. (Yeah.  We keep writing horoscopes that no one reads, instead of the scripts We’re supposed to be writing.  We should probably do something about that.)

But have no fear!  (Underwear is here!)

It’s time to bring out your secret weapon:  (Thirty fart jokes in sixty seconds?)

Your breathtaking ingenuity. (Or that.)

Apply some creativity to whatever’s got you flummoxed, (Oh, please.  We can’t even REMEMBER the last time We were flummoxed.)

and in no time at all you’ll be humming along (Shouldn’t that be “flumming along”?)

on the right track again. (If you’re on the right crack, who cares what track you’re on?)

Your quick thinking will gain you a new fan, too (Just the one?)

— and it might even ignite a few romantic sparks.  (Insert lighting-your-farts joke here.)

If you’ve been feeling a little frustrated in the realm of romance, (A little?)

energy coming from the stars right now that can change all that in a big way. (Proofread, fercrissakes!  AssHat.)

Start by listening up (Why?  Is someone talking down to Us?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

— to both a certain someone and to your intuition.  (And so it ends.  Not with a bang.  Because it is, after all, about Us.)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

 

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

*****************************************************************************

Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.