Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WhenceDay, December 19, 2012. Happy Hump Day to all those of you who are
taking time out of your Christmas shopping for Us to hump like the rutting pigs
you are. Also, if next week does in fact
arrive, Happy One-Week-Till-Boxing-Day.
Yes, ladies and genitals, if the Apocalypse doesn’t happen now, in just
one week, Christmas will be Christmas past, so you’d better be buying Us
excellent Christmas presents.
Tense Christmas tenses having been dispensed
with, We are eagerly looking forward to having Justin Bieber over for New Years
Eve so We can watch his balls drop.
And now, because antici………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..pation
is more than half the fun (as Carly Simon (or was it Carole King?)) sang to a
ketchup bottle once…
Sorry…what passes for Our mind just went off
on about eight different digressions at once, so We thought We’d break a few of
them out into their very own paragraph.
First of all, We were certain We’d had this
Carly King/Carole Simon issue before, and due to the miracle of modern technology,
We were able to lay Our hands upon the very excerpt. And, all the way from March 2010, here it is:
(So, how’s
your Holy Week treatin’ ya so far? Crazy March…in like a line dancer, out like
a lambada. But at least it’s spring, and We can feel Our Own Personal
motivations being motivated like motivators, motivationally. (We can also feel
the earth. Move. Under Our feet. And the sky tumblin’ down, tumblin’ down.
(Kiss Us quick, We’re Carole King. (Full disclosure: We initially typed “Kiss
Us quick, We’re Carly Simon.” Remind Us again why these are two separate
people?)))
In other news, We were also fairly certain We’d
addressed the “ketchup/catsup” conundrum previously, but that was a little more
difficult to unearth. So here, from
three completely different e-pissodes of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is every mention We’ve ever made of that
particular condiment:
They’ll catch up. (But will they
ketchup? Or catsup? And what, really, is the difference?)
Also, it is Henry John Heinz’s birthday. He invented Heinz ketchup. Do you want fries with that?
Apropos of nothing, urban dictionary would
like us to know that “shaking the ketchup bottle” is a euphemism for masturbation.
The things We do for YouPeople…meanwhile,
having done said things, Our other digressions have gone completely out of Our
heads (except for the one where We started talking about anticipation right
after We said We were looking forward to Justin Bieber’s balls dropping. But We’re gonna keep that one to Ourselves. (You’re welcome.))
At any rate, when all this started (which now
feels like it may have been somewhere in the Late Middle Triassic Period), We
were gearing all y’all up to begin anticipating tomorrow’s Very Special
E-Pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, which will contain an early Winter
Solstice Apocalypse HannaChristmaKwaanzakkah present Just For You. So begin anticipating…NOW!
While you are anticipating, here is the link
with which you would share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:
Sagittarius video with your friends:
This just in from Helen Keller’s Twitter
account:
Never saw the point in
wet floor signs. I'm gonna end up on the ground either way.
New staring contest
champion!
Lol but no seriously,
where the hell am I...
And here’s the
HorrorScope:
It is Edith Piaf’s
birthday today. It is a little-known
Edith Piaf fact that she always wanted to enter the Pillsbury™ Bake-Off, but
she was afraid she’d do the wrong thing.
(We are A Highly
Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.)
You need to slow down
and do as little as possible today (Well, you don’t have to tell Us twice.)
— even if your plans
feel urgent! It’s just a bad time for lots of action, as the environment favors
slow, deliberate movement. Try to relax
and just clear your mind of negative things today. This isn’t about ignoring
real problems you may be confronted with, it’s about learning how to let go of
worry and let yourself focus on more productive things — things that you can
control. Because there are just too many things in your life that you just
can’t do anything about, and if you spend all your time distracted by them,
you’ll only frustrate yourself. You can be happy if you really want to be. It’s a perfect day for you to nest,
recuperate and generally treat yourself right. Head out for a walk or brunch
with a friend, then go for some serious rest and relaxation. It should do your
heart good.
(BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! See what We did there?)
(You’re Your-O-Scopes:
http://www.humorscope.com)
(Meanwhile, why
We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys
Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of
the Penn rowing team.
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