Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WhenceDay, December 19, 2012. Happy Hump Day to all those of you who are taking time out of your Christmas shopping for Us to hump like the rutting pigs you are. Also, if next week does in fact arrive, Happy One-Week-Till-Boxing-Day. Yes, ladies and genitals, if the Apocalypse doesn’t happen now, in just one week, Christmas will be Christmas past, so you’d better be buying Us excellent Christmas presents.
Tense Christmas tenses having been dispensed with, We are eagerly looking forward to having Justin Bieber over for New Years Eve so We can watch his balls drop.
And now, because antici………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..pation is more than half the fun (as Carly Simon (or was it Carole King?)) sang to a ketchup bottle once…
Sorry…what passes for Our mind just went off on about eight different digressions at once, so We thought We’d break a few of them out into their very own paragraph.
First of all, We were certain We’d had this Carly King/Carole Simon issue before, and due to the miracle of modern technology, We were able to lay Our hands upon the very excerpt. And, all the way from March 2010, here it is:
(So, how’s your Holy Week treatin’ ya so far? Crazy March…in like a line dancer, out like a lambada. But at least it’s spring, and We can feel Our Own Personal motivations being motivated like motivators, motivationally. (We can also feel the earth. Move. Under Our feet. And the sky tumblin’ down, tumblin’ down. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Carole King. (Full disclosure: We initially typed “Kiss Us quick, We’re Carly Simon.” Remind Us again why these are two separate people?)))
In other news, We were also fairly certain We’d addressed the “ketchup/catsup” conundrum previously, but that was a little more difficult to unearth. So here, from three completely different e-pissodes of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! is every mention We’ve ever made of that particular condiment:
They’ll catch up. (But will they ketchup? Or catsup? And what, really, is the difference?)
Also, it is Henry John Heinz’s birthday. He invented Heinz ketchup. Do you want fries with that?
Apropos of nothing, urban dictionary would like us to know that “shaking the ketchup bottle” is a euphemism for masturbation.
The things We do for YouPeople…meanwhile, having done said things, Our other digressions have gone completely out of Our heads (except for the one where We started talking about anticipation right after We said We were looking forward to Justin Bieber’s balls dropping. But We’re gonna keep that one to Ourselves. (You’re welcome.))
At any rate, when all this started (which now feels like it may have been somewhere in the Late Middle Triassic Period), We were gearing all y’all up to begin anticipating tomorrow’s Very Special E-Pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, which will contain an early Winter Solstice Apocalypse HannaChristmaKwaanzakkah present Just For You. So begin anticipating…NOW!
While you are anticipating, here is the link with which you would share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Sagittarius video with your friends:
This just in from Helen Keller’s Twitter account:
Never saw the point in wet floor signs. I'm gonna end up on the ground either way.
New staring contest champion!
Lol but no seriously, where the hell am I...
And here’s the HorrorScope:
It is Edith Piaf’s birthday today. It is a little-known Edith Piaf fact that she always wanted to enter the Pillsbury™ Bake-Off, but she was afraid she’d do the wrong thing.
(We are A Highly Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.)
You need to slow down and do as little as possible today (Well, you don’t have to tell Us twice.)
— even if your plans feel urgent! It’s just a bad time for lots of action, as the environment favors slow, deliberate movement. Try to relax and just clear your mind of negative things today. This isn’t about ignoring real problems you may be confronted with, it’s about learning how to let go of worry and let yourself focus on more productive things — things that you can control. Because there are just too many things in your life that you just can’t do anything about, and if you spend all your time distracted by them, you’ll only frustrate yourself. You can be happy if you really want to be. It’s a perfect day for you to nest, recuperate and generally treat yourself right. Head out for a walk or brunch with a friend, then go for some serious rest and relaxation. It should do your heart good.
(BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! See what We did there?)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.