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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I won’t send roses

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  IfMondayIsManicMondayDoesThatMakeItDepressiveTuesdayAndIfSoMayWeJustGoBackToBedNow, December 11, 2012.  Happy birthday to Beth, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Michael, who also turns twenty-four today.  Also too, happy birthday to Darin, who also too turns twenty-four today.  Also too in addition, happy birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today also too in addition. Not to mention also too in addition plus, happy birthday to John, who also too in addition plus turns twenty-four today.

That is one metric fuckton of birthday cake.  And a whole lotta folks co-inky-dink-ally turning twenty-four all on the same day.  Also, some kind of orgy clearly occurred in March, 1988.  Was that the year they had Woodstock II?

In other news, We have reached an opinion about the tea We have been drinking.  Our opinion is that We would like a cup of coffee, FuckYouVeryMuch.  So that is what We are having.

We also neglected to mention that, in addition to watching Not-So-Magic Mike this weekend, We also partook of the Dark Shadows fillum.  Could We get some sort of intervention going to pry Johnny Depp loose from the artistically-bankrupt clutches of Tim Burton and his hellspawn wife?  KThxBye.

We have very little else to report.  We shall be going out Christmas shopping a little bit later.  And, of course, all of your calls, letters, and well-wishes on the occasion of Our 666th Eric’s Daily Horoscope e-pissode in Bloggonia yesterday continue to pour in.  We can barely move in here for the number of floral tributes.  Earlier, We slipped on a hibiscus blossom and a gladiola went up Our ass.  At least We think it was a gladiola…come to think of it, We haven’t seen Our houseboy since.

Dammit…We invented that houseboy character just for the purpose of that joke; now We’re gonna be forced to keep track of him.  The things We do for YouPeople. Why, if We had two nickels to rub together, We’d trade ‘em in for a dime.

That there was for Our Sistah Ovella, who gets tickled by Our nickels.  We won’t tell you what she gets triggered by.

Speaking of Christmas shopping, once One has been shopping, One has to do wrapping.  And here, with a few tips, is everybody’s favorite Aunt Chippy:

Here, in case you missed it the past four days, is where to get tickets to Heavy Metal Dance Fag:

Here, in case you’ve missed it every day since November 25, is the link with which to share Our Sagittarius video with your friends:

Meanwhile, this just in from Helen Keller on Twitter (Why, yes, We DO follow Helen Keller on Twitter; thanks for asking.): 

I see London, I see France. I see ---- Nevermind.

That awkward moment when actions are just as quiet as words.

Knock knock! *who's there* I don't know.

Here’s the HorrorScope:

 From The Department Of People Who Have Porno Names, it is Rider Strong’s birthday today.  Just in case you’ve been missing him since Boy Meets World left the airwaves.

There’s a lot more going on than meets the eye, (To say nothing of Uranus.)


(No, really….say NOTHING.)


(How many of you are picturing Uranus speaking now?  With a quack-quack here, and a quack-quack there…)


(We kill Us.)


so you ought to make sure that you are dealing with it appropriately. (We’re telling jokes about Uranus talking…how “appropriate” do ya think We’re gonna get?)


It’s a tough time for sure, but that just means you need to step up and be a grown-up about it!  (You’re no fun, ya big meanie-head.)


You’re eager for a sense of renewal to come into your life (What, We’re a library book?)


(Is it just Us, or are We suddenly channeling Aunt Chippy?)


— both in terms of the environment around you, (As opposed to the environment that’s NOT around you?)


and in terms of your own emotions. (We second that.)


(SuBtle is Our middle name.)


If you’re feeling stale, you need to create your own fresh air and sunshine (Yeah.  Because We’re just like God.  Only with better shoes.)

--- in the form of good energy and good times with your friends. (Apropos of nothing, We have been meaning to tell you that, when you see Us in Our videos, Our nail polish is called “Rock The Night Away” and Our lipstick is called “Cherry Rain”.  Just in case you’re attempting to recreate Our look.  You’re welcome.)



Get together with the silliest folks you know (Way to narrow it down.)


and have a ball (ExSQUEEZE Us?)


just sitting around complaining about the weather. (Wow.  That sounds like fun.  Except for the “fun” part.)


You can’t go wrong when you’re with them.  (Don’t underestimate Us.)


If you’re sensing something weird between you and a certain someone, don’t get mad or try to get even.  (First figger out whether it’s a gladiola or the houseboy.)


Figure out what’s really happening first (That’s what We said.)


— then figure out how you really feel about it.  (Especially if it’s the houseboy with a bouquet of gladiolas.  (You don’t bring Us flowers any more.))



(You’re Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.