Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SunDee, December 16, 2012. Happy birthday to Holly, who turns twenty-four today.
This just in from Helen Keller’s Twitter account:
Why's it so dark out? It's only 2:30
I heard dropping acid makes you see things...gonna give it a go!!
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number...don't expect me to pick up.
And now, because it is Christmastime, fercrissakes, and We have Things To Do, but We’re still trying to post every day for Holidailies™, the following is an encore presentation of an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! from December 16, 2010:
I see your true colors
Greetings, Eating Reindeer Isn’t Cannibalism---
Here is your horoscope for Thursday, December 16, 2010 (Forgive Our tardiness this morning; having been awake from 4AM till around 7AM, when We finally went to sleep, We just stayed in da bed. Also, forgive Our REtardiness, as We have nothing whatever to report. Our excitements du jour include a visit to TheCutestDentistInTheWholeWideWorld, buying ink cartridges for Our printer, and redeeming a free lottery ticket that We won. How We shall ever recover from the glamour overload, We haven’t got any idea.) :
(We usually choose the Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Joyeux Noelle Bella Bella Bo Bella Banana Fanna Fo Fella Me My ‘Mo Mella Bella Donna Mills first, and then begin writing the day’s entry. However, We just now went and picked the pixture, and would like you to try a little experiment. Cover up the caption with one hand, and the part of the hot tub in which Frosty appears with the other. Deeply disturbing, no?)
(Meanwhile, Donna Mills is 70, people! (Well, except when she’s only 68, depending upon which website you check. Fortunately, We Our Own Selves Personally are only twenty four, and won’t have to start lying about Our age for quite some time. (It occurs to Us that being currently twenty four means We were born in 1986, and…well, We’re just gonna leave that alone.)))
(Our mouse is hyperactive…has this ever happened to you?)
You have got to get your way today, but you shouldn’t burn bridges (Nor should you Beau Bridges. Although you can Jeff Bridges if you like. Lloyd Bridges is, of course, dead.)
— they are sure to stay burnt. (Like umber. And sienna. (Who NAMED Crayola™ Crayons, fercrissakes? We were CHILDREN, people. “Umber”, “sienna”, indeed.))
Draw on your tact reserves (Ah, yes, Our tact reserves.)
to keep people feeling friendly. (‘Tis the season to cop a friendly feel.)
This is probably one of your favorite times of the year. (Indeed it is. Although We are hard pressed to figger out why, in Our previous parenthetical, Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to add an S to either “season” or “feel”.)
Everyone is a bit more sociable (Do they still make those crackers? (We just Googled them on Wikipedia, and indeed they do. And they sell them at Our very own Ack-A-Me. Inquiring minds, and all that.))
— and even the meekest among us (Shall inherit the girth?)
(You know the meek are gonna get what’s coming to ‘em, by and by.)
are a lot more willing to try something new, at least once. (Because if you try it a second time, it’s not new anymore. @sshat.)
Now, you’ve never needed any prodding (That’s what YOU think.)
when it comes to experimentation, so you’ll be even more impetuous, impulsive and risk-loving than usual. (A REAL writer would have replaced “risk-taking” with a third word that started with I. Just sayin’. Hack.)
Sure, it’s hard to believe, but it’s true, and you’ll enjoy every minute — especially now that you have a playmate who’s equally game. You may want to move forward with this low-key relationship, but you don’t know what to say. Don’t force the issue — your energy and honesty can get you through this. You should come out smiling on the other end. (Obviously, all of the preceding stumbled in here from somebody else’s horoscope entirely. “Playmate”? “Relationship”? “Our energy”? “Smiling”? Must be Capriquarius or something.)
(Join Us again tomorrow, when We’ll have clean teeth, ink in Our printer, and a losing lottery ticket.)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.